Fuck Off Bob!

I woke up and saw things clearly about Bob. I realized that all of those "feelings" that I thought I still had were still stupidity and indigestion. As of today, I have completely forgotten about him. I am removing him from my myspace page - all notes, comments, etc. I moved on awhile ago, and I thank my lucky stars for that. Who needs all those reminders of the past, especially one that treated me like that?

Gwen

in a relationship

Usually, the first time you use the phrase "in a relationship" to describe yourself in a new relationship it feels nice. I didn't realize how nice these words could really be. I talked with my new guy, David tonight. He mentioned that he had updated his profile to state that he was now "in a relationship", and I had updated my profile to say this as well today. We both did this without realizing that the other person also had.

It may seem like an insignificant gesture to the average person. However, when you are dating someone it is a milestone. This is where you admit to the world that I only want the person that I am dating, and I don't want anyone else. I decided last week that I wanted to be his girlfriend. I didn't have to think about it. Gee, this guy is:

Cute, funny, sweet, caring, loving, gentle, great with my son, open minded (!!!), and wants to make me happy. He is genuine, and we have so much in common. We even have a very very similar sense of humor and personality. I couldn't ask for much more than that!!! There is one thing that I don't like about him - that he lives so far away!!! If that is the major problem, I can deal with that!!!

He did say that he has gotten emails from a few people about the change of relationship status on his profile. Hopefully they'll realized what they could have had, and missed out on. I certainly know, since I have the pleasure of being the other half of his "in a relationship", and very happy about it!!

Gwen

New Beginnings and Old Flames...

I recently started dating someone new. I met him through MySpace, and we agreed to be just friends since I was not sure that I was ready for a new relationship. We chatted on messenger with a web cam, so I got to see his face. He had a great smile, and a great sense of humor. I was having a great time talking with him and wanted to hear his voice so I gave him my number. We ended up talking for 3 hours that night! I was surprised that we had so much in common, and he is so caring. Technically, we have only gone on two “dates”, but we have spent a lot of time together both in person, and talking while we are apart. I have realized that I want to be with him, and I want to be his girlfriend. I think he is wonderful. I have the best of both worlds with him – it feels like I have known him for a long time since I am so comfortable with him, but we have the great feeling of having a brand new relationship. :o)

Ok, I am on cloud 9 with this guy. I have finally found someone that I like that is kind, decent, caring, and loving. He even likes and gets along with my son. What could get in the way of that?!? One thing could – Bob. Yes, Bob. I get the email that I was wishing would come for months. He emailed me and asked me if I would want to give our relationship another try. And then I get another email saying never mind. For months I cried for this man, and for months I wished for this email to come. My heart shattered into a million pieces. Now that I have started picking up the pieces and putting my heart back together again this happens. Part of me still loves Bob very much, and would jump at the chance to be with him if I was not dating anyone. But the rest of me really cares for this new guy and I want to be with him. I don’t want to hurt him, I don’t want to leave him, and I don’t want to lose him.

Gwen

Tattoos, first dates, giddiness, and lack of sleep...

I am at work now on my lunch break. The topic of tattoos came up, and I mentioned my tattoo. I have told my co-workers about it before, but today they seemed shocked. I also mentioned the piercing I had that was removed (labret, not anything perverted). I guess I'm "wild" compared to my co-workers.

Today I am so tired. I didn't get much sleep. I was up late last night. ;o) I met someone new, who is kind, sweet, and loving. I didn't want to say goodbye!! The lack of sleep and the first date has me in a great mood, but a little giddy! Could be worse! :o)

I'm happy! That's always good!!
Gwen

:o(

It's hard to put into words what I am feeling. I have been depressed lately. Little things really get to me. What bothers me most is that I miss someone that I care about deeply, who shattered my heart. Yes, it's Bob. Whenever I meet someone new, I seem to compare them to him even without realizing it. I'm not conciously looking looking for someone who is "Bob II", but I find myself attracted to people who have similar qualities to him. I have missed him so much more lately, and I have no idea why. I loved that man with all of my heart, and now I feel that a piece of me is missing now that he is gone. My heart just wants him back.

Gwen

Battle Scars

I was driving home from work today and thinking. I do this a lot, since it takes me about 45 minutes one way to get from work home, of course stopping at day care. There is not much else to do except drive and think. I realized that I have a lot of emotional battle scars. Some are fresh and still hurt. Some are old and even though they may be hard to find and they may not hurt, they are still there and always be there. They are hard to see unless you are looking. Women with battlescars seem perfectly normal until something happens. It could be that they are bursting to tears when their boyfriend cancels their plans at the last minute, or when she finds that someone has been hiding something from her just as many other people have done in the past.

I'm not currently in a relationship at the moment, and I'm looking back at my last few relationships. The last guy I dated seemed nice, but turned out to be too freaky, and not in a good way. It was 2 dates that turned out to be just sex (not good mind you), and I never called him again. I felt like such a whore when driving home from his house the last time, and it wasn't worth continuing.

Before him was Bob. You guys know all about Bob. There was nothing at all wrong with Bob except that he didn't want to be with me. He broke my heart into a million and one pieces, and there it still is. I love him with all of my heart, and I miss him so much. I still fight the urge to call him. He's just not going to answer anyway, and I don't want him to think I'm stalking him or anything. I'm just in love (still after everything). If he came to me and asked me to come back, I would without hesitation. I have come to the realization that this is never going to happen, and no amount of begging and pleading will change that. He said that he just wanted to give up on dating. I'm sure that he was saying that to not hurt my feelings. Oh well.

Ok, prior to that was my marriage. It was unhappy, abusive both mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically. He was controlling, nit picking, and never satisfied. I thought that it would be fine one we got divorced. If we didn't have to deal with with each other it would have been. The last time he came up, I ended up being raped. It wasn't the typical brutal act that you think of when someone says the word "rape". It started as consensual. He stopped, took off his condom, and I told him no. I kept telling him no but he forced himself on me. In every sense of the definition, it is considered rape. It was forceful, it was while I was saying no, and it was violating my trust. I have spent the time since beating myself up for it (as if it was my fault?!?), and feeling bad for not having bruises, cuts, etc to show for it. This is the first time I have admitted that I was raped.

Both my first boyfriend and my ex husband watched tons of porn behind my back, hid things from me, and betrayed my trust. My ex husband went behind my back more than once on messenger chatting with women asking if they have a webcam, asking if they live alone so they can "get together". I have had my heart stomped on and my trust betrayed many times. It makes it hard to leave that behind and try to find a new love.

I have a good friend that I only know through email. We met through a Maine Pagan group online in July (I think), and we became friends quickly. Until recently we emailed almost every day since then. I looked forward to each day, even knowing that I would be working because I knew I'd have an email waiting from him. He is a bit older than I am (ok, more than a bit), but that doesn't bother me. I have admitted having an attraction for him (and inpure thoughts about him), and he has admitted about having an attraction to me (and impure thoughts about me too). We are just friends though, since he is in a relationship. I'm just happy to have him as a friend. He has taught me a lot, given me a lot to think about, helped me though many things, and made me laugh so many times. He has a kind heart and genuine spirit.

A couple of weeks ago, I was driving, and I put a stuffed toy on my head while driving. Since then, Azize and I have gotten into a "routine" of doing this from time to time. I was feeling depressed tonight on the way home, when Azize passed me the stuffed frog. I put it on my head for awhile, and then traded it for a toy hummer. I found that it is near impossible to feel depressed or upset with a toy hummer on your head. LOL! I learned that from my son!

Good night!
Gwen

Bye Bye Birdie

I don't think that I mentioned in my blog that Bob and I broke up (for the third time in a month and a half). It actually happened on 10/11/2006, but it was really over before then. As much as I didn't want it to be over, I have let go. Fly away and be free...

Gwen

hot water is hot!

I know from experience how neat it is to be able to clean yourself. Our water heater has only worked when it feels like it for years. I tend to shower at GWEN'S house (yay, Gwen) or at work. thankfully we have a full bath at my office. But I know what'cha mean, Gwennie! ;)

FINALLY!!!

I finally have hot water! YAYAYAYAYAYAY!! I got it back yesterday. I took the day off from work yesterday, and the plumbers arrived at 7:30am. They replaced the water heater, which was not a small feat. What made it harder is that there is no outside access to the cellar since there is an addition with a trap door that was built over the bulkhead that led outside. The problem was that the trap door was covered in stuff, and needed to be uncovered. Then the thing had to be wheeled in the front door and through the entire downstairs in the house. The plumbers left with my check for over $500 and said that I should have hot water in about 20 minutes.

I hopped into the car and took my son, Azize to day care so I could get some errands done during the day. I went to Ellsworth, got my car inspected (WAY OVERDUE!), replaced the rear brake light myself, got an oil change, etc. I did meet this one really cool tough guy at the Prompto oil change that was talking about his harley, and then showed me his Winnie the Pooh tattoos! He has every character from Winnie the Pooh tattood on his body. Whadda guy!

I came home, and was ready to hop into the shower, and the water was ice cold. So, I got dressed again and called the plumber. They came back out, and tinkered. They found out that there was a problem with the electrical system. Between the circuit breaker box and the hot water heater is an old fuse box with a switch. It turns out that the switch was broken, and they noticed that it was sparking and starting to smoke as they were tinkering with it. They said that it needs to be replaced ASAP since it was a big fire hazard, but at least they got it working enough to have hot water until the electrician can come out. YIKES! I don't know anything about wiring, but that sounded pretty dang scary!! I called the electrician and they said that they could come out on Monday, and they would call the plumber to see what's up since I can only relate the information in terms like "that box", and "thingie". Well, I didn't actually say thingie, but close.

So I waited around until afternoon for the electrician to come and he replaced the fuse box with a junction box. While they were there, I had them look at the outlet near the sink to see what's wrong with it. It stopped working awhile ago. Now, this is an old outlet, and it's all completely brown. I didn't know it, but it was a GFI outlet. The dang outlet just needed the reset button pressed. The button was the same dang color, and wasn't clearly labeled. I felt so STUPID to have the electrician press the dang reset button! At least I didn't call them to come out just for that!! LOL!

I promise, I'll NEVER take hot water for granted again! I may not have needed the water heater, but at least now I don't have to worry about it going down the road when I don't have the money to fix it! There were old parts on it, and a screw driver so the previous owner may have had to have the old one fixed at least once previously. If I had known it was good, I would have kept it and given it away on freecycle to someone who needed one. Oh Well!

Gwen

By the way...

I got to work today, and found out that I was wearing the same thing as one of my co-workers. She and I are both wearing a maroon knit v-neck shirt from Old Navy, and dark slacks. I think hers are black, and mine are very very dark brown, but we're clothing twins today. What's the chance of that happening? I just thought that was funny!

Gwen

Less Stress?

I am finally finished this set of classes that I have been struggling through. One class was fine, and the other class was torture. I am crossing my fingers hoping that I passed that class. I think I did alright on the final project, so I might actually pass. That really doesn't mean all that much since the teacher seems to take pleasure in tearing apart everything that I submit, so I might end up taking her class over again. I'm on a new block of classes, and I am under less stress that way. I actually didn't have to do homework last night, and I enjoyed a quiet evening watching TV in bed until I went decided to go to bed at a reasonable hour (10:30pm instead of the usual 12:30am).

Overall, I feel less stressed. I still am under quite a bit of stress at work and that won't change until late this fall. It will be busy for some time, but at least I feel like I'm making progress at work now. That really helps.

I have a plumber coming on Thursday morning to replace my hot water heater. All I have to do is be there and have a check handy. I'm so looking forward to having hot water again. I've been without it for almost 2 weeks now, and it's really getting OLD! At least I have the money to have the work done! I'm thankful for that!! Hopefully there will be no more heating water on the stove to do dishes, wash the floor, or take a bath in an inch and a half of luke warm water. LOL!

I am feeling a little up in the air about my relationship with Bob. We had a bit of drama this past weekend where we almost broke up. He is facing the possibility of having to make big changes in his life because of what's going on at work, and the possibility that he may have to move away from the area. Plus, there is the issue of not having much time for a relationship since he is working so many crazy hours - 7 days a week and at least 12 hours a day for at least the past month. We talked, I cried and cried, and we finally made the decision to stay together. I'm very happy that we came to this decision, and that we are going to try to work this out. I love him very much and I don't want to lose him. I still feel like I'm walking on eggshells though. What if he decides that he still wants to break up in a week, month, or so? What if I do something that will trigger him wanting to be out of a relationship? I'll deal with whatever may come my way. I guess I can't think about that, and focus on the present.

I am planning on a surprise for Bob though. I won't give details, since he often reads my blog and I don't want to give it away. I haven't actually started it, since I'm waiting for components of the surprise that I ordered to arrive. I hope he likes it when I give it to him!! I already told him that I'm working on a surprise for him, and he has asked me what it is. I think he might be curious.

Ok, probably need to get back to work.

Gwen

Bob

Bob came over to my house last night, and he was there when I got home. He has a key, so now he doesn't have to wait outside for me to get home. It was so nice to get home and have him there. It gave me a glimpse of what it might be like if we were to live together sometime down the road, and I liked it! Now I have a key to his house and I feel important!! LOL!

We had a long talk last night after supper. We asked each other questions, which was nice since we learned more about each other. I learned more about him, his views on women's body types/sizes, his past girlfriends, etc. After we talked for awhile, I decided to share with him my last remaining secret. I expected him to run and hide, but he was really cool and seems ok with it. He even wants to know more about it. I half expected him to run away when I told him, but he is cool! So he is one of maybe 2 or so people that know all of my secrets. He seems to like me for who I am, and that is amazing!

He is unlike any other guy I have ever met or been with. I really care for this guy, and can see a future with him. He seems to be focused on making me happy, not being happy himself, which makes him different than 99.99% of other guys out there! In turn, I want to make him happy since he wants to make me happy. The voice in the back of my head keeps wondering when he'll morph into a selfish, complaining man like all the other guys out there. I keep telling that voice to shut up, that my Bob is not like that!

Gwen

PS. Bob- I don't have any more secrets!! No more surprises like last night!

Brrrrr it's cold!

Ok, well it's not all that cold outside. Yet this morning I was freezing. Something happened the day before yesterday so I no longer have any hot water. I have no idea why, I just don't have any hot water and it sucks! Well, I took a luke warm quick shower yesterday and that wasn't too bad, but it was a little chilly so I didn't wash my hair. My mistake!! This morning I was desperate to wash my hair since it looked like I had dumped melted lard in my hair (ok, I'm probably exaggerating, but you get the idea). I decided to brave the cold water for a really QUICK shower. I have never washed that fast, and I was very proud that I was brave enough to face the freezing cold water. It was like a bravery challenge.

Ok, now I'm cursing the fact that I'm a single woman who is also a homeowner. I have no idea even who to call to come take a look at the blasted thing. If I was renting, I could just call and complain to the landlord and nag them until it was fixed. I can't do that now, or at least it won't do any good since I'll be nagging myself!! LOL! I can take the ceiling falling in, but no hot water?!? LOL!

I keep telling myself that at least I have money coming soon! At least I can fix it!

Gwen

Going Crazy!!

I feel like I'm going crazy! I feel like no matter how hard I work, or what happens, that I am behind on everything and cannot get caught up. I am very behind at work, and drowning in work to do. There are a few things on my desk that are ticking like a time bomb to blow up. When they do blow up, it's big since I could get sued!! I am behind in my school work, and I am not doing well in one of my classes. It seems that no matter how hard I work, I cannot get caught up and I cannot get good grades. That is really stressing me out, and making me wonder why I chose to go back to school. I'm seriously thinking about dropping out, and it almost seems like the best option right now.

I'm overtired and have been breaking down crying at every little thing. I can't get enough sleep since I've been up late every night working on school work. I can't seem to get anything done at home since I have no time or energy from being so tired. The house looks like it blew up, or like pigs live there. The lawn hasn't been mowed. The house needs someone to come along and toss half of it's contents out. After all, why do I need to hang onto all of this stuff. The answer is because I don't have the energy or time to go through and get rid of stuff.

I've been constantly worrying about money. More precisely, the lack of money. I have been getting behind on bills, and haven't had money to buy stuff like food or clothes for my son. It's really stressing me out trying to figure out the money situation, and having to worry about how I'm going to pay for gas since I only have a few dollars in my account and my gas tank is empty.

I also keep wondering how I'm coming across to my boyfriend. Am I being too clingy? I keep crying to him, but I don't know how to convince him that I'm not crying because of anything that he has done. Does he think I'm crazy? This relationship so far has been difficult because of his crazy schedule, and my crazy schedule. I things were easier.

I was going through Azize's old clothes last night to give away. I was sorting them by size so it would be easier for the person that receives them to go through and use the size that they need. All of a sudden I start bawling my eyes out at the thought of giving these clothes away. It's not rational, and it's not like I need these clothes to be happy, but I was still bawling. I remembered Azize wearing these clothes, and then thought that I might not have any more children. I am not even sure if I want more children, but that thought really made me upset. What if I give these clothes away and I do have another child? What if I keep these clothes and never need to use them again and they end up staying in his closet forever?

I'm feeling like such a nutcase! I am just under so much stress that I can't deal with it. I just want to crawl under a rock and die!! That would be so much easier than dealing with all of the stress that I am under right now!!

Gwen

I feel lucky!

I have been thinking a lot lately about my current relationship and past relationships. I realized that I have more emotional baggage than I had realized. It acts like a little voice in the back of my head that gets in the way of having a normal relationship. It turns me into this suspicious person that doubts everything.

In my marriage (which is thankfully over now!), I went through a lot of crap. It ranged from him sneaking around behind my back and watching massive amounts of porn when I wasn't around, chatting with women asking if they had webcams and if they lived alone in case they decided to "get together", lying, sneaking, and so much more. He was also emotionally abusive (sometimes physically too), and often told me that I was a slut, a fat cow, that noone will ever want me because I'm fat and have a child, that I'm disgusting, that I'm a horrible person, etc. Overall, it was an unhappy 4 1/2 years that I was with him! He kept saying that he would change. Luckily after 4 years, I realized that he never would.

Now I am enjoying my relative freedom from my ex-husband, with crap from him every few weeks instead of daily. YAY! It could be worse (I could be still married to him! LOL!) I made a few changes to my life and to my house that I felt were very positive changes. I knew that I was so much happier, Azize seemed happier, and the cats were even 1000% happier. They never liked him, and were scared of him. That should have been my first clue! Yet I was lonely, and spent many nights crying myself to sleep and aching to be held and kissed.

That's when I met Bob. I emailed him on match.com, and wasn't expecting a reply at all since I hadn't gotten any other replies. I was feeling particularly down since I had been sending out emails and I was being ignored. The people that I had emailed would view my profile and chose not to respond and it made me feel that there was something wrong with me. Well, Bob responded to my email and seemed interested. Over the last couple of weeks I have gotten to know him, and I believe that he is the most kind, caring, sweet, wonderful man that was ever born! I let him read my blog which contains a lot of my self doubting and self hatred crap, and he didn't scare away. If a man can read my blog journal and not be scared away or freaked out, than he must be a good man. I wrote some bad things about myself in there, and he didn't care.

I have realized that I have put him through a lot already. He has seen sides of me that are not attractive (more like whiney, needy, and just plain depressing), and I have cried more times with him in the last 2 weeks than in the last 6 months. Now, it wasn't anything to do with anything about him. It was all because of self doubt, and me wondering if he was still interested in me, if he was thinking that he'd like me to go away, if he was regreting emailing me back. Well, you get the picture. He has been very patient and loving through all of it. He has reassured me as much as I need to be reassured, showed me endless patience, and showed that he wants to make me happy no matter what I am going through. This showed me that not only is he the opposite of my ex husband (THANK GODDESS!), but that he is the type of person that I want to be with and to take care of. He's still very interested, and that's a GREAT sign!

I have talked with him about his past relationships, and why they did not work out. I always try to get this information, because it can give you clues about what to expect down the road if they are being truthful. He said that one of the major reasons that it didn't work out is that he works crazy hours, and tons of overtime, so he wasn't around much. Well, if the women leave him because he works hard, then they didn't deserve him. I've already had a taste of this, and it's something that I believe I can handle. I'm in it for the long haul, and it's a small price to pay to be with this wonderful guy. All of his exes don't know what they've lost!! I do, and he's mine!!

Gwen

Great Day!

I'm having a GREAT day today! I got to work a few minutes early, so I wasn't rushed. I was sitting at my desk reading email and working when a local florist dropped off a bouquet for me from my sweetie, Bob. They are beautiful! I have them at my desk, and I can smell the wonderful smell of fresh florist flowers. Plus, they have a great pitcher vase that I can keep. It'll be great for lilacs next spring! When I saw him last night he kept saying that he felt that I would have a great day today at work. I guess now I know why! He also gave me a beautiful heart flower figurine by Swarovski! It's so beautiful and I think of him whenever I look at it!

On top of that (as if that wasn't more than enough to make me happy), I get to bring my kitten home today! I'm excited about that! Azize is going to be so happy to have another kitty in the house. He loves cats so much!

I'm smiling from ear to ear!!

Gwen

The newest member of our household...

A lady that works for one of my customers at work has been trying to give away kittens since she found out that her cat was pregnant. Every time I talk with her, she mentions her kittens and asks if I want one. She even brought in pictures. Ok, it doesn't take much to wear me down. I went to meet the kitties on Saturday, and fell in love with this sweet boy. This will be Azize's kitty, so I am going to let him name the kitty. He was calling the kitty "Badaboo", which is something that he has been saying for weeks now (independant of talking about the kitty). I asked if "Badaboo" will be his name, and Azize said "Naoooo". This little guy was 7 weeks when I saw him on saturday, so we are planning on bring him home this week or weekend. YAY!

What about Bob? Just kidding! LOL!

I believe all of you know that I went through an emotionally painful marriage, then a divorce earlier this year. I was happy with my decision to file for divorce, and happy with the changes I made in my life. Even though I was happy with how my life was going, I could not help but be lonely and want companionship. The only guy that I hung out with was "just friends", and was not interested in me the way that I was interested in him. That was ok with me.

I decided to subscribe to match.com. I had no idea why I was even bothering. I had subscribed to yahoo personals a couple of months ago, and I did not even get one response to any of my emails. I gave up after 3 days of being ignored by those I sent emails to. I decided to try to keep an open mind and invite love into my life. The first couple of days on match.com went really bad. It was the same thing as yahoo personals all over again. It made me feel horrible about myself, and that I would be alone for the rest of my life. I came across a profile for this guy who was older than I am, but seemed nice from his profile. He really impressed me when he mentioned that he liked to leave notes for the woman he cared about for no reason. I decided to take a chance and email this guy. What is the worst that could happen? That I would get ignored again? No biggie. That's how I met Bob.

Well, Bob emailed me back pretty quickly. After a couple of emails back and forth, I decided that I would like to talk with him over the phone so I gave him my phone number. We talked for almost 2 hours, and I felt a great connection with him. I was frustrated since the pics that he had provided weren't the best for telling what his face looked like, but I didn't mind. He was so nice, and sweet. After a day or two of days of many emails back and forth, we decided to meet. I was very excited to meet him finally, since he seemed very sweet. He even had dropped off flowers and a card at my house for me while I was at work before we met.

We met in the parking lot at the True Value in Bucksport, since I knew that the parking lot wouldn't be crowded. I figure that we would go from there to do something else. We stayed standing in the parking lot for over 2 hours. I was very surprised how sweet and caring he was, and that he wanted to do things to make me happy. He had read my blog, and all the bad things I had said about myself, yet he still kept telling me how wonderful and beautiful I was. He wasn't scared off by my messy car. He wasn't even dissapointed when he saw me and realized that I don't necessarily look like the pics that he had seen of me. He really believed that I was beautiful! Plus, the man brought me Chocolate! Not just any chocolate, but the best chocolate known to man - DOVE Promises!

Over the last week I have had the privaledge to get to know Bob. I love talking with him, I love being with him, and I love that he does things to make me happy. For example, he was at my house, and I was doing dishes. He stood behind me and rubbed my shoulders and talked with me while I was washing dishes. It wasn't an earth shattering thing to do, but it meant a lot to me that he wanted to be with me enough to be with me while I was washing dishes! He met my parents, and really seemed to hit it off with my step father. He has met my son, Azize, and has really seemed to hit it off with him too. He was over to visit last night, and spent over 45 minutes or so playing with Azize with toys while I was busy in the kitchen. Azize even started calling him "Daddy", and we kept saying "No, Honey, This is Bob." We all had a lot of fun.

I only just met this man, but we have talked in depth of what we are looking for and how we feel. We have decided that we would like to get to know each other better, and try and make this work between us. We both announced at about the same time that we aren't looking for anyone else, that we want to be together and see where this goes, and that we are in a relationship. I'm not trying to rush anything, and plan on enjoying spending time with this man. He is someone that deserves to be cared for and taken care of. He wants to take care of me, and loves that I want to take care of him.

So - Back off ladies, this guy is Mine!

Gwen

selling point

We were talking at work today about all the new flavors of coke and pepsi. "black-raspberry vanilla," "black cherry vanilla," "strawberry and creme," "insert trendy yet confusing flavor mixture here...."

If coke really wants to kick pepsi in the ass, they should put the coke back in coke. That's what made it famous in the first place. It could be like "coke classic." "coke special edition: controlled level II substance cola."

One Year already!

It has been one year today since my miscarriage was confirmed and I had my d&c. I can't believe that it's been one year since I lost my precious Hbiba! I'm having a hard time today. At least my darling is with me always in spirit!

Gwen

Nice surprise...

I subscribed to www.match.com a few days ago and I was not very optimistic about meeting anyone. I recently tried the online dating thing again on another website, and was frustrated with all of the men completly blowing me off and not responding to my email messages. What is the point of paying for the service if you are going to get ignored? I had been sending messages to guys on match.com and still getting ignored. I was ready to cry, scream, and/or curse men forever!

That's when I met Bob yesterday. He is very nice, caring, warm and funny! We really seemed to hit it off. We have exchanged pics, and planned a couple of dates already. Hopefully we'll hit it off in person as much as we did over the phone and emails! We'll know soon!

Yes, Bob, I know you're reading this!! Haha! Talk to you soon!

Gwen

This is me...

Here are a few things about me that not many people actually know.

• I am happy about who I was, who I am, and feel in control of who I will become
• I am confident some times, but I am insecure too.
• I am enjoying being alone, but I am also lonely and need to be held and loved
• Deep down I am afraid that I will be alone for the rest of my life
• I am daring and willing to try new things, but I like knowing that I'm safe
• I like having a routine, yet I feel like I am in a rut.
• I have a long time boyfriend - Coffee!!
• I'm a good mother. I believe it's the only thing in my life that I am good at since I love it.
• I am shy especially when it comes to men because I have been rejected many times
• I hate being put in the role of friend with men just because I am fat.
• I am a loving, giving person who would do anything for someone I care about
• I have been taken advantage of because of this.
• I need to feel loved in order to be happy in a relationship. I'm often unhappy in a relationship because I don't feel loved.
• I'm addicted to hugs, touch, kisses, etc and need this when I am in a relationship.
• I tell my son that I love him at least once a day. I hug him many times a day. I want him to feel loved.
• I'm very protective of my son since I don't want to lose him or anything to happen to him.
• I had a miscarriage last year, which makes me secretly fear losing my son too.
• I have very low self esteem, and I don't believe it when people say that I am beautiful.
• I lost two good friend in my life, both to car accidents. This makes me treasure all of my friends even more.
• I am passionate about what I believe in.
• I have secrets that not many people know, but I am an open person.
• I have two best friends, and have been friends with them for around 20 years each. I'm only 28, so that's a great accomplishment!

These are just a few things that is who I am.

Gwen

I finally got my answer...

I got a call from the surveyor on Friday asking me to hang out with him. I really like hanging out with him, so I agreed to go. I met him, and we went to his co-worker's house to hang out. This co-worker usually gets some of the baked goods that I give to the surveyor. The surveyor told me awhile ago that he was sharing with a co-worker, and since then I've sent extra for his co-worker since. We had a great talk on the way to his co-workers house. We talked, ate pizza around a bon fire, drank beer and had a good time at his co-workers house. His co-worker even raved about all of the baked goods that I have sent, and asked me to keep sending them. The surveyor and I even talked for about 45 minutes once we got to where my car was parked before we each went home. Sometime during the evening he mentioned to the group of people that he had a date for a couple of days later. Before I got into my car to go home, I wished him luck on his date. He said that he didn't think that it would work out to be anything since she has kids. I had heard him say before that he didn't want to date anyone with children and didn't want any children of his own. I asked him why he felt that way, and he told me. Most of it was because he doesn't want his lifestyle to be changed by children. He said that he would probably just hang out with her "like we do". It hit me hard to hear him say that, since it confirmed my feeling that he only wants to be friends. I am happy to be his friend, and I think he's awesome. I have so much fun when I am around him. In thinking about it, it is good to know how he feels after all this time of wondering.

Late Saturday night I was crying and cursing him. I was crying because I now realize that I care deeply about someone that doesn't feel the same way back, crying because I needed to be held, crying because I am all alone and feel like I'll never find anyone. I decided that since I couldn't sleep that I would get up and check my email. I ended up looking through the listings on match.com. I don't know why I bother with the dating websites, since whenever I email someone they take one look at my profile and don't email me back.

I got a call from the surveyor on Sunday. He asked me if I was still at school or if I was on a break. I'm still curious why he was asking me that. I told him that I was in school and that I didn't get a break between classes. He thanked me for going on Friday and said that he liked talking with me and had a good time. I don't get him! I'm glad to be a part of his life on his terms. I'm glad that I now know what the terms are. I am always learning new things about the surveyor, which helps me to understand him more. I gave up trying to figure him out awhile ago, since I was always confused when I tried.

Gwen

Crappy advice given to men...

I was searching for dating advice online to see if I could tell if a particular guy was interested in me the way that I am interested in him. Those of you that know me know who I am talking about. I've been friends with him for over a year, and I really like him. I stumbled across these suggestions on www.askmen.com about how to show her that you are not interested. These are on their "Do" list:

1) Ask about her hot friend
2) Tell her that you have a friend that is perfect for her
3) Let her know that you are busy lately
4) Subtly highlight clashes of opinion (they suggest to tell women with kids that you would never date anyone with a kid)
5) Not so direct approach.

This made me really think. He has asked me if I have any single friends, he has suggested that if I want "some flesh" that I could go to his friend's place (the single guys are in their 60's so it may have been a joke), he has even told me that he wouldn't date anyone with a child. Now, he hasn't said any of these things in a long time and he was saying these things after he broke up with his girlfriend and I was still married so there wasn't even an issue of us dating. Lately he hasn't mentioned any other women, has been flirty, and our conversations frequently end up talking about sex. I just don't know what to think. I wish I could tell if he was interested! I really care a lot for him, and I would be ok if he wasn't interested. However, I would prefer to know!!

Gwen

Genious?

I'm a genious? YAY! Can I put that on resume? How do you list "headache induced genious thought" on a resume? LOL!

Gwen

wow!

you're a genius! I hate to tell you this, but the headache is workin' for you. rock on! ;)

Yucky, Ucky, Ducky...

I have a headache today. I've tried throwing massive amounts of caffeine at it (down the hatch LOL), and it's not helping. I've tried bribing it with chocolate, still not helping even though I am happier because of the chocolate. I think I might have a sinus problem, so really should make an appointment with my doctor. Grrrr... I never realized that chocolate could be philosophically deep. I'm eating Dove Promises (YUMMY!!), and these have sayings on the inside of the wrappers. I have gotten ones that say:

When hearts race, both win.
Wink at someone driving past today.
Learn something from everyone you meet.
There's no excuse not to dream.
Follow your instincts.
Listen to your heartbeat and dance.
You're allowed to do nothing.

Ok, I won't list them all since you would know how many I have eaten. I can only picture myself going off the road while trying to wink at someone I'm driving past, with them thinking I have something stuck in my eye. Yeah, there's a great romantic mental pic for you. LOLOL!

So, here are some things I have learned so far today:

1) Don't try to drive a headache away with chocolate. It makes the headache happy and comfortable, and it will never want to leave.
2) Headaches like caffeine. If you use caffeine with chocolate to get rid of a headache, they will really want to stay and never leave.
3) If you need advice, chocolate wrappers can offer good philosophical advice tidbits.
4) The more chocolate you eat, the better the advice you get.
5) Headaches make me and my writing more amusing to other people.
6) It is hard to concentrate on working when you are eating philosophical chocolate bits.
7) The bags of Dove Promises need to be made bigger. They disappear very quickly!!

That's all for now. Back to trying to work. LOL!

Gwen

Prepare yourself for this beautiful coastal scene...

These pictures were taken at the Falls Bridge in South Blue Hill, Maine on Monday (8/14/06). I have loved this place, and come for years to sit and watch the current from the bridge. I was first taken here by a boyfriend I had after High School. He lived within 5 minutes walking distance, and we would take his family dog, Rajaa the dalmatian, down here and play one the shore with her. He even spread the ashes of his beloved childhood dog here so she could always be here. I am in love with this place. It is one of the most magical places around. It is well known to kayakers for the current that goes under the bridge. The current actually goes in both directions, depending on if the tide is going in or out. For that reason it has been nicknamed the "Two Way bridge" or the Reversing falls bridge.

Gwen

Feeling so stupid...

I have been emailing a really nice older guy that I met through a yahoo group that I just joined. We have been emailing steady since Friday, and asking all kinds of questions about each other. I did a search on the internet for his screen name, and found a personals add he had with one of the dating websites, so I assumed that he was single. He seemed to really like me, and said that I was attractive and a sweetie. So, after deciding that I like this guy and would like to get to know him better, even if we just become friends, I sent him an email saying this. I received an email back from him saying that he was in a relationship, so we would have to just be friends. I had no idea that this was coming. I have no idea how to read men!!

I have been thinking quite a bit lately, and the idea of dating someone made me realize that I have feelings for a good friend of mine. I've been friends with him for a year, and have had a crush on him for that long. I just realized that I have more than a crush for him, and that no matter what happens with anyone else, my heart will always be with him. This makes me sad, since I have had no indications from him that he feels anything romantic for me, and I assume that he only wants to be friends. I don't want to mention it, since I don't want him to get the same look that every other guy I have professed my feelings for has. I can only describe it as a deer in the headlights look, and that ends the friendship right there. I would rather be friends with this guy than lose his friendship altogether! I don't think I've been all that subtle with him about how I feel, so I think he probably knows that I either have feelings, or that I did last year at this time. If he is anything like other men I've known, he's probably oblivious about how I feel.

I cried and cried last night. I feel like doing it again right here at work. Men are so frustrating and confusing. I wish it were as simple as it was in grade school when you gave the boy a note that said something like: "I like you. Do you like me?" and it had a box to check for yes and one for no. Ahh, if it were only that simple again.

Gwen

This is how I feel:

Hello,

I like you. Do you like me? Circle one.

Yes No

Gwen

nuff said?

was on-call for the domestic violence project all weekend. satellite dish was being installed by a very cute guy that my cats liked. when the time came for him to show us how it worked, i got a hotline call from a hyperventilating person. sigh. oh, well. another cute guy that my cats like will surely be delivered to my living room any day now. rrrrrrr. missed pagan pride day because of the shift, too.

so - here's me. nuff said?

(PS - the double rainbow was v. cool)

Feeling down again...

Ok, I've only been divorced for a little over a month. I've been in the process of divorce since April, so it's still not that long of a time to be out of a relationship. However, I'm feeling lonely and ucky about myself. I have a fear deep down that I won't find anyone else, and that I'll be alone for the rest of my life. I know that my fear is unfounded. I have even had a few guys email me out of the blue, and say how beautiful I am and how they want to get to know me. I have even been chatting with a nice guy from Maine that I really find interesting. I really shouldn't be feeling like this!! I should be feeling beautiful and sexy, not fat and alone! It doesn't help that the guy I really like and would like to be with is the kind of guy I'll never be able to have. I've been great friends with him, and he's pretty flirty (not to mention wonderful!). I just have been burned so many times when I like someone and they don't feel the same way. It's the story of my life! I don't even think he thinks of me that way. I don't want to mention it, since I don't want to push him away as a friend if he is not interested in being more than that with me. I like him too much as a friend to risk that. If he only wants to be friends, I am ok with that as long as I get to have him in my life. I think part of my down mood is from lack of sleep, and having my period. I have been feeling like this for a few days, so hopefully I'll start to feel better about myself and my situation soon!

Gwen

Rainbows

I was out with my bestest friend, Leslie, in bangor on Saturday. It was that kind of day where it would sprinkle, get sunny, and then sprinkle again. We were driving on the interstate and we saw a rainbow. We looked closer a minute later, and we saw a second rainbow over the first. I wish that I had my camera with me at the time! Dang! I have never seen a double rainbow in my life, so I feel blessed that I was able to see this. I was in a headached induced high rarely ever felt. I didn't feel high, but I was seeing colors very vibrantly, like you would IF you were actually high. It was so strange, and this is the first time I had ever had this happen to me. I felt silly and stupid as I was amazed at how red the red car was, and how brilliantly colored the flowers were.

Ok, this is not a pic of our rainbow, but I liked this rainbow pic from the internet.

Gwen

Men's Obsession...

What is the fascination with guys and porn? All guys watch it, and most guys won't admit that they like it to their girlfriend, wife, or girl they are trying to impress. Yet, as soon as you leave the house they go straight to the computer or videos to watch it for hours. Yes, the people are having sex on porn, that's what it is. No big deal! However, why do men lie about watching it and sneak around behind their significant other's backs to watch it?

The first guy I was in a long term relationship had porn. I knew that soon after we met. I thought that it was just a couple of videos, no big deal, we even watched some together. However, I was not at all prepared to find that he had been surfing the internet and watching porn behind my back. I also came across boxes and boxes of it in the closet of the apartment we shared together at the time. I also came home early one time and found him masturbating on the couch of our apartment to a video.

When I entered into a relationship with my now ex husband, I made it extremely clear that I do not tolerate porn, and it would either be porn or me, and explained my past experience. He said that he was shocked that my previous boyfriend would do that to me, and that he would never ever do that to me. Imagine my shocked surprise when my mom found that he had been downloading porn video clips from the internet, and then deleted them to the recycle bin on her computer, but neglected to empty the recycling bin. I was working about 10 minutes from where we lived with my mother, and was coming home every day for lunch. I was also 8 months pregnant at the time with his baby! He had started in right after my Mom left for work, and stopped 5 minutes before I was due to come home for lunch. Then he tried to deny it, like I was stupid!!!!! That was not the first time!!

My best friend went through the same thing with her now ex-husband. He would watch porn both on the computer and on TV, including PPV, which she found. He would sneak around behind her back and watch it. He even said that he did not find her body attractive. She was 8 months pregnant at the time, and thought he meant that she wasn't attractive when she was pregnant. He then dropped a bomb, and told her that he was bored with her body before she got pregnant. Now, I have always believed that my friend is gorgeous. She is a beautiful person inside and out, no matter what she weighs. Yet, she believed this jerk, and it devastated her.

Ok, I think that porn can be a useful tool between a loving couple if they desire to use it, or a way for an outlet for a single person who is not dating. However, sneaking around behind your significant other's back for this is simply unacceptable! Why do men feel that they need to deny that they are using it, yet still do it? Do they think we are stupid? Do they think we know nothing about finding it on computers and on PPV lists? One thing that this whole ordeal has taught me is how to find out when this is happening! I'm not naive or stupid, and don't like being treated as if I were!!

Gwen

the onion makes me cry

do not pause. do not breathe. do not visit the potty. go IMMEDIATELY to www.theonion.com. you may need to visit the potty afterwards.

peace, out!

Bad influence!

Leslie,

You are HILARIOUS!! I have realized that I am a bad influence on you, by starting you on the chocolate and fiery pickles, or chocolate and olives. LMAO! I'll have to try the hot chocolate and fire balls!! Too bad you don't have air conditioning in your building! That combination sounds like it would make you sweat!! LOL!

Gwen

hot chocolate

to all other folks who are stuck in a concrete office building, all summer, from dawn to dusk - I have just discovered that chocolate chip cookies and fireballs go really well together. it follows as per our discovery re: chocolate bars and tobasco pickles. just more of the intellectual depth of downeast. take that, MENSA!

Wednesday blahs!

Well, I sent out all of the bills I could today! Now I feel so poor! I hate this time of the month when I have to pay all of the bills at once. It's my fault, I should have sent some out last week when I got my paycheck! I have a couple more that could wait until next week when I get paid. I feel like I'm slipping behind on everything: Bills, housework, homework, stuff at work, etc. The housework keeps bugging me! No matter how much I do, there is always TONS more to do, and it never looks much better when I'm done. I spent a ton of time on Sunday cleaning my bedroom, and of course I should have focused on the main part of the house since everyone showed up that day! I was so embarrassed having everyone tour my house, and there is junk lying around in every room! I have set some stuff aside to try to sell on eBay, so hopefully I'll be able to get some stuff out of my house and make some extra money while I'm at it!! I'm considering selling my embroidery machine, since I don't use it much, and I put it on my credit card when I bought it, and now I'm thinking it would be nicer to have my credit cards paid down more than this embroidery machine sitting in my house! I love it, and I'm having a hard time making the decision to sell it. I know that I will have to sell it eventually to try to catch up on my credit card bills! Either that, or I could try to make stuff to sell on ebay. I've been saying that for months, but haven't gotten there yet. I'm sure I'll get there someday!! It's going to be hard, but I'm living on my own and supporting my son! I am getting child support, but I am due that much help from that sorry excuse I have of an ex husband!

Gwen

That a**hole!

I got a message from my ex husband last night that he may come up to see Azize soon since his girlfriend wants to see him. I am livid, since he has shown absolutely NO interest in his son up until now. Suddenly he wants to pretend that he is a great father to impress some woman he recently started screwing? I don't think so. I fired back a message to him that he is welcome to come, but she is not welcome anywhere near my son, so not to bring her. I am sticking to my guns. He must have just met this woman, since I talked with him a couple of weeks ago and he said that he wasn't seeing anyone. We had an agreement that we wouldn't date until our divorce was final, and that's only been a month at the most. My point is, he can't know too much about her yet. I think he's thinking with his dick and not with his brain, but does that surprise me? NO! We are divorced, so he can do what he pleases, but NOT AROUND MY SON!! I made a decision that if she comes anywhere near my son, she will be asked to leave, and if she doesn't, I'm calling the cops! I am not going to stop my ex from seeing his son, but it has to be when I'm there, he can't take him off by himself, and she's not going to be around my son. I am just so mad that he's pretending to be a dad just to impress some slut!! Not around MY SON!!

Gwen

Monday Again?

I can't complain about my weekend, it was pretty good! I got to spend Friday evening with Leslie, which is ALWAYS fun! We stayed up pretty late, and had a low energy fun time. Plus we discovered that where 1 hour on the treadmill is doable for some people, 1 hour and 6 minutes is enough to make walking impossible! It's good to know. As far as I've ever gotten is about 35 - 40 minutes before I am ready to jump off and scream bloody murder! If I ever get to the 1 hour point, I'll make sure to keep it under 1 hour 6 minutes! LOL!

On Sunday, I went out to a late breakfast with my other best friend, Sarah; her boyfriend, Peter; and her son, Tevin. After breakfast (which was at about 12:30pm) we went to Lamoine Beach, and Sarah kept Azize there for awhile while I had to go take care of my friend's animals, and then to my house to meet my dad so he can help me screw up my awful falling down ceiling. Not bad for a weekend, but it should have been longer. Monday came way too soon!!!!

Gwen

French Lesson...

My good friend, Peter, sent me this "french lesson" that he got from a nauty girl calendar that actually belongs to my best friend. (Where do I get a copy of that calendar, it sounds hilarious!) I thought these were so funny, that I couldn't NOT share. For those of you that don't know any french, I suggest you check out the translator located on Altavista.com. It will give you a choppy translation, but it will give you an idea of what it says. Ok, on to the french lesson...

Bonsoir monsieur. Etes-vous puceau?

eh bien, repete avec moi (pardon the lack of accents):

Est-ce une pomme frite dans votre poche, ou etes-vous heureux de me voir? (I hope you get to use that one! lol)

ou ... Excusez moi, mais ... ce vin va-t-il bien avec la sexe?

et finalment: Savez-vous nettoyez des taches de vinaigrette sur mes draps? Adieu

Thank you Peter for one of the best laughs I've had in a long time!
Gwen

something in the cauldron

Good weekend. Ate too much bread (wonder why?). Did some writing. Surfed the web. I was enjoying my copy of NewWitch Magazine (not your mother's broomstick!) when I found an ad for CauldronLiving.com and really liked it.
The site has lots of chat groups on Pagan topics including parenting, gardening, cooking, and all sorts of cool stuff.

If you wanna have the same fun I did, check out:

CauldronLiving: http://www.cauldronliving.com/cgi-bin/index.cgi?action= (or google it, if the link if off).

NewWitch Magazine: http://www.newwitch.com/

That's Me: A Nut!!

Of course I'm a nut! It took me baking bread at 11:00pm for you to think I'm a nut? How long have you known me! LOLOL! I was up at 11:30pm last night trying to make a pie shell for the "Fresh Fruit" pie. When they deflated in the oven at 12:30am this morning, I gave up and went to bed! I guess baking is a little like hair coloring or sewing, it should NEVER be done after 10:00pm at night! I'm going to try it again tonight, but hopefully before the middle of the night!

Gwen

because....

ah, you baked bread at eleven at night because you're a little nutty, dear. but i love you - and the bread.

Introducing the newest member of our team...

If you will notice at the very bottom of the page, the newest member is "Ralphi". You can feed him, play with him, and pet him! Have fun reading our blog, but make sure to give Ralphi some attention!

Gwen

Mmmm, bread.

I was ambitious last night, and made a batch of bread. I don't know why I had it in my head that I wanted to bake bread (I'm a poet and don't know it! LOL!), but I did. I started at about 7:00pm, and the bread was done baking by around 11:30pm. It turned out really well, except that I have to practice forming the loaves. They look kinda weird! They tasted great, so that's all that matters! I was able to get a lot of homework done while I was waiting for the bread to rise and bake, so that's great. This is the last week in my two classes, and I have two final exams due by Sunday, and a quiz due today. It's crunch time!

I'm going to be even more ambitious tonight. I have berries, and plan on making a fresh fruit pie. Since I don't start in my homework until after my son goes to bed, I should still be pretty good to get my homework in today. I think that I'm starting to get the classes thing down, and I've been doing it for 2 months already! YIKES! It could be worse! I could never get the hang of it! I'm enjoying the class work pretty well, and it's usually not too stressful. It's not nearly as bad as I thought it would before I started in on the classes. Two classes down, how many more to go?!?

I may try making bread again this weekend. I had a lot of fun, and really want to get the forming dough thing down pat! The recipe that I made was from the Pie in the Sky restaurant that was in my hometown, and I worked there for 3 1/2 years until they closed 10 years ago. Eating the bread brings a lot of memories back!! I should try some of the other food that I used to make at the PITS. I haven't had any of it for 10 years, and it's about high time I did!!

I off- Back to work for me. NOT FUN, but it pays most of the bills.

Gwen

See if this makes sense to you...

I just did a web search on Scott Cunningham, who was the maker of the video that we were heckling along with countless other books, etc. On one page, they state that he died in 1993 of infections brought on by Cryptococcal meningitis. On the same page it lists his works from 1980-1999. Ok, Is it me or does it appear that he continued to write and publish 6 years after his death? Wow, that man must have been a powerful warlock to be writing and publishing from the great beyond! Maybe he just had all of these books written and stockpiled, and someone decided to keep publishing them after his death? That's probably the likely answer, but seeing that he published 6 years after his death is FREAKY!!

Gwen

lumos!

the big harry potter convo is on in vegas! i am sponsoring one of the discussion panels. lumos is very interesting because it is not simply a fan-fic or role-play convo. a lot of the people who put it on and attend it are college professors and other school teachers who are way into using h.p. as a teaching book for literature and sometimes ethics, gender-construction or spirituality. very interesting. i first found out about all this when they had a convo in salem mass. -- where i make pilgrimige at least once a year. i didn't make it to the h.p. thing, but i started tracking their yearly events. the website for lumos is http://lumos2006.org/ - it is full and running this year, but folks may want to become aware of it. it seems to be growing and i believe it will continue as an annual convo. plus it's just fun to picture all those elementary school teachers and goth, fan-fic slashers, crackers, and shippers holding forth in joint discussion panels. muggles, beware!

umm

not all wiccy-witches are sick. just us. and maybe the guy that made the aforementioned herb-magick tape. but it's fun!

This herb may be used for...

"This herb is good for love spells. I like to rub this all over my body and macerate with it." LOLOL!! The Madness continues!! We need to watch that video again, but I'll never be able to watch it with a straight face!

Gwen

Simple Math!

+
= YUMMY

choco-wierd

Yes. We are freaks. We spent Saturday a) heckling a low-budget, wicca film about herb magick b) harvesting herbs for brewing and drying (plus badly abusing the term, "maceration") c) brewing tea and then polluting it with far too much sugar, and d) chasing it with chocolate bars and tobasco pickles. Blessed Be.

Thanks!!

Leslie,

Thanks for the wonderful praise! I had no idea that I was so much! No wonder I'm tired and often very loopy!! HAHAHA!

Ok - by demand I will tell you a strange and disturbing snack trend in the Greater Bucksport area in the Church Road region. It was discovered and put into practice by Gwennie and Leslie! This involves eating something sweet (such as a chocolate bar), and then a couple of minutes later, eating something salty, such as Tabasco Vlasic Kosher Dill pickles. This combination is surprisingly good! I also do this with chocolate, and then olives, such as Feta stuffed or Blue Cheese stuffed olives. I have no reason for this madness, except that I like it. I'm positive I'm not pregnant, as the afore mentioned divorce and resulting celebacy rules this out. I can't use this for an excuse for my eating habits! Dang! I was doing this before I was pregnant with my son (who is now 3!), so it's not related. Now, before you rush out and continue this trend, give credit to the founders!! LOLOL!

yay!

Yay! Gwennie the Great has invited me into her super-cool world! Allow me to explain. I have known Gwen since we were both awkward grade-schoolers, praying for that particular torture to end. She is:

smart
funny
cool
open
tough
talented
patient
grounded
hilarious
inventive
mellow
accepting

and a: student, teacher, mom, gardener, chef, giver, metal-head, meditator, mediator, priestess, daughter, friend, activist, writer, and a doer.

Yay!

Mmmm, Chewy...

My best friend, Leslie and I were in a local Rite-Aid store awhile ago, when we spotted the Cali Girl line of Barbies. Of course, we had gone to the store to heckle the merchandise, and we were not at all disappointed when we found such a wonderful source of amusement. The Cali Girl Ken doll looks more like a butch woman than a man ever would, plus they reek of cocoa butter, which is enough to make anyone high just from holding them. They look like they have been hanging out at the local gay bar, or getting highlights on their feminine heads! The strong smell of cocoa butter is more than enough to make anyone high, even an elephant, so of course we now have a running joke about munching on Cali Ken's legs and arms to get a buzz. The funny thing is that we had to search for the barbie that goes with this set, and she looked more butch than Ken and Blaine, believe it or not. On top of that, she doesn't smell as strongly of cocoa butter. All these men dolls with their highlights and perfectly coordinated clothes, but you have to search for the women? Sounds like a gay bar to me!!

Gwen

Redheads and, um, turtlenecks

After some of my recent posts, my friend Leslie keeps telling me to share my opinions about redheads, their um, turtlenecks, and bonfires. Funny thing is when I hung out with the surveyor guy, we went to a place where there was a fire pit and it made me think about this one time in particular...

I was living in the San Francisco Bay Area, and was a practicing Wiccan. I found out that there were public rituals, so I decided to go to one. It was a burning man ritual at Ocean Beach in San Francisco. Ocean Beach is one of my most favorite places in the WORLD to this day, and I absolutely love it there, when it is SUNNY! However, most of the time you go to Ocean Beach it is cold, foggy, and drizzly. This day it was cold, but luckily clear. The ritual started well. We made a circle, dug a hole, and made a bonfire. They had made a 8' tall wicker man that they would later place on the bonfire as part of the ritual.

Ok, I wasn't at all new to wicca or rituals, so I was excited to be in a community of people at a public ritual. I was excited to see that there were families with younger children that were being tought to love the Goddess and God. Bonfires are cool, so I was even more excited. There was music and drumming, so we were getting into the whole ritual. As the evening went on, after the wicker man was dropped on the bonfire, the other people were getting into dancing around the bonfire. Cool. Before I knew it many people were stripping down NAKED and running to the shore and went swimming in the freezing water. Once they were frozen from the water, they then came back to the bonfire, and started dancing, still NAKED, around the bonfire. People, young and old, skinny and quite large, all dancing around very close to the fire, despite sparks being sent off by the bonfire. They are obviously suffering from hypothermia from their dip in the ocean, so they probably can't feel their skin?!

Ok, Here I am in my winter jacket standing in the spot I had been all along, watching in surprise what was going on. I was NOT going to get NAKED because I was FROZEN with my jacket on, and I was NOT going to get in water about 1 degree above freezing temps, since I was FROZEN with my JACKET on. Yet, I stood there unable to take my eyes away from what was happening. I wasn't uncomfortable with the people or nakedness, just cold.

So what does this have to do with redheads and turtlenecks, you might ask? "But, Gwen, You said they were Naked, what do you mean about turtlenecks?". Well, I will TELL you. Now, there is nothing absolutely nothing wrong with redheads. It's just a matter of personal taste. I'm not crazy about redheads, but I have learned that some people are. Now, there is also nothing wrong with uncircumsized men. I had never seen one, but they are out there and lead happy fufilling lives. Ok, we left me standing, FREEZING, at the edge of a circle of people watching people dance NAKED around the bonfire. When I was watching all of this going on, I happened to notice a rather strange looking man with long curly red hair, and freckels all over him. He was also naked, and he was flopping around, so I did look down and find that he was not circumsized. I have nothing wrong with an uncircumsized man, just had never seen one prior to this. Not only was it something I had never seen, it was also dancing, flopping, and flinging all over the place. I was not aroused, more like watching a trainwreck. I knew I shouldn't be staring, but I just could not look away for the life of me. It was like it was all happening in slow motion. I'm probably lucky that he didn't see me staring at his little soldier, or I'd have to fight him off with a stick!

To this day, I cannot look a red headed man in the eye with a straight face. Many people think I am a girl next door type who has led an uneventful sheltered life. Well, that's not ENTIRELY true. I just remember my experiences and smile.

Gwen

For more information about the SF Bay area's Wiccan community events, please visit http://www.reclaiming.org/

Migraine + Stress = Blaring Metal Music?!?

Migraine + Stress does not usually equal loud metal music, or at least for the average person. I have found out that when I am having a migraine, such as today, I really want to listen to heavy metal. Now, I am not talking Metalica, Korn, or anything like this. I'm talking about european black metal, gothic, etc. Oh, Don't forget Testament!! They are an American band, but they are awesome! It's been awhile since I listened to these on a regular basis, about 6 years. My ex boyfriend, Mike, got me hooked on this, and it always makes me think of the time that I spent with him in the SF Bay area! Somehow it makes me feel better!! The louder the better. I just spent most of my lunch break watching the birds walk by the waterfront in an inlet here in my hometown, and listening to My Dying Bride. Lovely name for the band, right? LOL! Well, there are bands with very shocking names that I will not repeat, at least not here right now. It made me realize that I have my life back. I don't have to live with being in an unhappy marriage with a controlling man. I can be whatever I want, do whatever I want, and not have to be told that I have to give up everything that makes me who I am. Hopefully the woman that I loved being is still buried in there somewhere. I know she is dying to come out!!

Gwen

I give up!!

I give up on everything! Life is so emotionally draining. I have a hectic schedule with work, home, housework, yard work, school, and trying to have a social life. I just want to curl up into a ball, and throw in the white flag. I surrender!! I need a vacation from being me. I need a vacation from worrying about money, school work, whether or not a guy likes me, and being alone. Can I have a standin for Gwen, and go lay on the beach somewhere for weeks? "The part of Gwen will be played by...".

As all of you know, I have been going on and on about this one guy that I have been friends with for about a year. I have dreamed about him for almost that long, but alas I was married (even though it was unhappily). After my separation and pending divorce, he came in to my office on another matter, and asked me to hang out that evening. Well, I had a great time and realized that I really like this guy as a friend, and more. I was excited!! After all, I've been dreaming about him for over a year, and now I am divorced. He is awesome, and I had so much fun. He also said that he had a lot of fun. He told me today that his friends all said that I was so nice, and they liked me. It feels great that I passed the friends test!

Ok, fast forward to a week and a half later. I've seen and talked to this guy, but something seems different. I am no longer excited about us hanging out that day. I've driven myself crazy thinking about this guy, and driven a few of my friends crazy by talking about this guy! (Sorry Guys!!) Now in hindsight, I'm pretty sure that he is not interested in me romantically. Last year he told me what his type is, and he said that his type is: 1) about 120 pounds, 2) No Tattoos, 3) No children. Dang, I failed ALL 3!! From the sounds of it, he is describing his ex girlfriend. Ouch, this is what I am up against?! She sounds dang near perfect, except that he found her with his arms around another guy! OUCH! Yet, he is being very friendly, and has flirted with me. I just don't know what to make of it, or this guy for that matter! I was in a relationship for too long, I just don't know how to read guys! The plus side is that he knows me, and he appears to want to be friends despite all of my confidence issues.

I have been feeling bad about my body lately. I really don't think this guy has that much to do with it. I would love to lose about 100 pounds, but I don't think that's ever going to happen. I have had a baby, and my body shows! I have stretch marks, and my stretch marks have given birth to more stretch marks! (I need to try to remember to keep them apart! LOL!) My breasts show the obvious tale that they were working breasts (breastfed my son). My skin is terrible everywhere, not just on my face. I am scared stiff at the idea that I will have to be naked in front of a man in the forseable future, unless I decide to become a nun and live in seclusion. I don't think that is going to happen any time soon! It was different with Mohamed. He knew exactly what I looked like naked, and he loved how I look. Someone else may just look at me and think "Yuck". I have to compete with thin young women with smooth skin and skimpy clothes! I have a wardrobe full of frumpy clothes, and no money to go out and buy stylish clothes! I barely have money right now for the bills!

I know that I am only recently divorced, and I probably shouldn't be thinking about other men already. I'm perfectly happy right now as a divorced lady, but would like to feel like I can attract and interest men. As it is, I feel like I'll be alone for the rest of my life because there are so many prettier, thinner women with perfect bodies out there for men to choose from. Come on, even if they don't admit it, men are attracted to the thin women. There's nothing we can do about it! I can't make this guy attracted to me whatever I do. Either he is, or he isn't, and no amount of baking is going to change that. Yet, I keep baking for him, and thinking about him. I did realize that I am baking for him to make him happy, because I want him to be happy. Not necessarily because I am trying to get him by appealing to his stomach. If it has that effect, that's great - Added bonus!

Gwen

Oh My, Oh My

I am having the day from hell, and it makes me glad that it is Friday! It has been busy at work, stressful, and there are mad customers calling my boss and complaining about me. I'm doing better otherwise, but I did have a tough time on Wednesday night.

On Wednesday evening, I got a message from my ex asking if we are divorced yet, and said that he was "sick and tired of waiting around" for the divorce to be final. It made me believe that he's got someone lined up. That didn't really bother me, but it set in motion a chain reaction that led to be crying very hard and feeling stupid to even think that this guy I have been friends with would even be interested in me for any reason, even to be friends with. Of course, I had emailed and called this guy over the course of a few days, and he hadn't responded at all. It made me wonder if he is trying to politely tell me to go screw myself and leave him alone. I cried and cried, all the while feeling very stupid for thinking that anyone would be interested in me. period. I clearly was not going to sleep that way, so I decided to check my email. I had an email from this guy waiting for me, and he said that he had a good time when we hung out on Friday evening, and that I was cool. That helped calm me down, and made me feel like I was wrong for feeling this way. It wasn't the fact that he hadn't called that set me off on my crying spree, but a combination of feeling vulnerable over my ex's comment, my overtired state, and the fear that has been nagging me about this guy for awhile that I'm pushing to be friends when he doesn't want to.

Lately, I'm always confused, especially when thinking or talking about men. I feel like I don't have any idea about the oposite sex, and I'm in trouble now that I'm available for dating. Melissa Etheridge has a song about starting over after a breakup, and it really fits my situation. I cannot remember the name for the life of me (Bad Melissa Etheridge Fan, Bad!), but a line goes "my skin is painfully new". That's exactly how I feel! I'm scared, not to get hurt, but that I don't feel like I know what I'm doing. I wish men came with instruction manuals! I was fine with a child without a manual, but men are so much trickier!!

Last night, my friend, Leslie came over and we had a good time. She is reading book: Bridget Jones' Diary: The edge of reason. We had a lot of fun reading this out loud, laughing histerically, and almost snorting soda out our noses. We also waited about 20 minutes on dailup for a gif on my page showing the woman flying off a treadmill, and watched it over and over like we were watching a train wreck! It's mesmerizing! Then we both wore the clip to the safety key when we went on the treadmill, to avoid flying off!! Not that it would stop me from doing it (LOL!), but at least it would stop the machine after.

Hopefully the rest of the work day flies by quickly! I think I am going to call this guy and thank him for the boat survey (he's a surveyor) that he dropped off for me on a boat I'm trying to place insurance for (I'm an insurance agent), and tell him the nice things that this particular customer said about him. I hope to get some sort of idea of how this guy is doing when I talk with him. He has been in a big rush the last couple of times I've seen him, so I haven't been able to judge how he is treating me now after we hung out last Friday! I know I said men are confusing, but this guy invented the concept of being confusing! I wish I was a mind reader!

Gwen

What now?

I am starting to realize that I don't know anything about dating! I'm scared! I was married for over 4 years, and before that I was in a long term relationship for over 4 years. I met my ex husband online, so we didn't actually date much until after we knew each other more. I don't really know how to meet someone and determine if they are actually interested, etc, without going online. I'm petrified at the prospect of dating again. I want to, but I feel like a social leper! I actually feel like a cross between a social reject and one of those poor people who have no idea of how to behave in public, and have no real social skills! That may not be true, but that's how I feel.

I am friends with this guy. I don't think that he wants to be anything but friends, but he is very flirty. I like him, but I am always confused. I'm happy to be his friend if that's what he wants, but I don't know if that's even what he wants. He's king of the mixed signals. I hung out with him recently, and I had a blast. I learned so much about him that made me even like him more as a friend. I'm so confused!!! It would be much simpler if he sat me down and said either I "like you" like you and I want to get to know you, or I like you and would like to be your friend, or even to get lost. I've just assumed that he just wants to be friends, and it makes more sense. I just wish that I knew for sure. I've put myself through hell trying to think things like if I should call and talk with him, should I leave him alone, is he getting annoyed and just wish that I would go away forever, or does he want me to keep contact with him? He keeps telling me to keep emailing him, but he rarely sends anything back now. He did say that he was busy and that's why he hasn't emailed me back. If I was a mind reader, it would all be so much easier!! I keep thinking that if he was truly interested, he would make more of an effort to contact me. On the other hand, he did just invite me to hang out, and then called me at home over the weekend.

I wonder how well I'll do as an unattached woman, or if I'll end up as an old maid in my house deemed to be the crazy old cat lady!! LOL!

Gwen

It's monday, but I'm feeling pretty good!

The amazing thing is that it is Monday, and I'm in a good mood despite this! I've got a copy of one of my best friend's book manuscripts, and I can't wait to start reading. She said that I was even a big influence in the book. It sounds like I was part of one of the characters, and one creepy psychic guy that we made fun of (we nicknamed him "wax-lips", because he had huge lips) is in as one of the characters. I'm excited.

Also, I got a chance to hang out with a cool friend on Friday night. I had so much fun, and made me feel young. For so long I can't count the years, I have stayed at home when I'm not working and not done anything. It made me feel about 90! My friend was so fun, and it was a blast hanging out with him until after 1:00am. This got me in a really good mood that has lasted even until today!

Gwen

Finally Divorced!!!

I finally got the final divorce decree in the mail yesterday. According to the magistrate, we should consider the divorce final once we receive this in the mail. I feel relieved that this process is finally over, but I feel strange about it too. I have been single, and have been married, but never divorced. In my opinion, the label divorced signals that you are a failure, or a defective/damaged person who could not do something a simple as be married. What if you are out on a date, and you are asked if you've ever been married. You say, "Why Yes, I'm divorced". Isn't that a red flag? "Warning: This person is damaged goods. " It's like red alert on Star Trek. The lights go to red, and sirens sound. LOL. I guess that should be tattooed on my forehead. I'll never be single again, and forever be branded "Divorced". I guess it's a good sign that I'm not that upset about the ending of my marriage, but more upset about my marital status. It could be worse. I was the one that filed for divorced, so it wasn't unexpected. The divorce was a long time coming. I am getting pretty lonely, though. I expected it. I had never lived alone before this. Well, technically I live with my son, but that's not quite the same as living with another adult. My friends and family are trying very hard at keeping me busy and get me out of the house. It is helping, but I am still feeling the effects. I'm not going to jump into a relationship with the first guy that comes along. However, it would be nice to have that new love feeling again. It's been a LONG time since I felt that!

Gwen

Angus the wonder dog

I just found out from my father that his dog, Angus died last night. He was only 6 years old. He suffered from extreme separation anxiety. He would tunnel out of my father's home, and had hurt himself very badly more than once. He even tried to tunnel out of my father's car, and almost died from pneumonia from swallowing blood. My father resorted to attaching a leash to his very heavy couch, within range of food and water. My father came home to find that Angus had dragged the couch over near the window, and attempted to jump out. He was found strangled last night. Angus was a wonderful companion to my dad, and a loving dog. He will be greatly missed!

Gwen

Is Friday here yet?

Ok, I do like my job. It's extemely busy, and that's stressful! I sit at my desk even on my lunch break, mostly doing homework for school, or checking my email. Remind me again why I decided that it would be ok to go to school while I have a full time job and am a full time mom? It's all going well, I just need to figure out how to make time just for me. Even better, I need to try to make time for SLEEP. I should be getting my final divorce decree in the mail any day now. I'm anxiously waiting for it, and checking my mail with excitement every day. So far I haven't received it, but I'm expecting it to come at any time. I just want to be done with the divorce, and get on with my life. I assume that I am technically divorced, but the magistrate said that to consider the divorce final when I receive the papers. Hence the anxious mail checking. LOL! I guess I just need to be patient!

My son is having his 3rd birthday this weekend, and I'm excited. He is getting to be such a big boy!! My baby is growing up, even though he promised not to! He is so much fun to be around, and he is talking up a storm. I miss when he was a baby, but I love this age!

Gwen

Stress, what stress?

Work is stressful, school is stressful, and I need sleep! I wish that it would be as quiet at work as it usually is in the winter. It is SO busy, that it is just overwhelming. I need a vacation, or just a week to sleep and relax! It sounds heavenly!

Gwen

Just Me

This is such a nice picture of me, which NEVER happens. I thought I would share.

Gwen

Essentially Divorced

My final court date was a week ago today. It was uneventful, and lasted all of 5 minutes. My soon to be ex-husband didn't come to the hearing. The magistrate told him at our first court appearance that he didn't have to come to the second court date, so he didn't. We were told that the divorce would be final in about a week from the last court date, once we got the final paperwork in the mail it would be final. I've been watching the mailbox for the paperwork, because then it would mean that I'm finally divorced. They haven't come yet. It's a little like waiting for a package or personal letter in the mail, with the anticipation.

Being divorced sounds very scary, and the prospect of having to date again is scary too. I'm young, but it's been 4 1/2 years since I dated. I've been in a long term relationship for most of the last 10 years. Before my marriage, I was in a 4 1/2 year relationship with someone I met after I left high school. We were never married, but it was a long committed relationship. It'll be so strange to not be in a relationship, and to date again.

My son will be turning 3 in a little over a week, and that's exciting. He is such a sweet boy, and he is the highlight of my life. He has been talking about his birthday, presents, and cake. This is such a fun age! It makes me feel old to be divorced and to be a mother! Being a mother is the one thing that I feel that I am good at. It's the one thing that I love most in the world, being a mother and my son.

Gwen

Divorce

I am going through a divorce, which should be final in a few weeks. The final court date is next friday, and the divorce should be final about a week later. This was a big step for me, and I'm glad that I've stuck to my guns and gone through with this. I think this will be a positive step in my life. Hopefully I'll be able to afford to live on my own in my house. I really don't want to have to give up my house!

I've started college courses, which I am really excited about!! One of my big regrets was not going to college after high school. It has taken me this long to actually get myself this far to go to school. It's all online, so it's very convenient! I don't have to take time off work, and I don't have to arrange for a baby sitter!

I really like where my life is going now. I feel that this is a positive change! Hopefully I'll still feel that way in a couple of months!!

Gwen

I'm on a new medicine, which is supposed to help with my daily headaches. The problem is, it is making me exausted, as well as just feeling off. I'm not sure if I have come down with a cold, or if a lot of this is from the new medicine. The good news is that I have finally ovulated, on CD 30!!! My fertility monitor stopped prompting me to test on CD25. Hopefully the monitor will prompt me to test a little later next month, and eventually my ovulation will show up on the monitor! It's frustrating. I did finally get the chart on fertility friend to mark my ovulation, though, which is a first!! I am now 6 Days Past Ovulation (DPO), and will test next week. We did BD the day before the ovulation was marked on my chart, so I have some hope for this month. If not, there is always next month. I feel like I am finally making progress in the charting though! I am starting to get it! YAY!! I guess it doesn't take much to make me happy when it comes to that! However, I took my son to the doctors yesterday. I made the mistake of stepping on the scales, and almost fell back and had a heart attack. It's a good thing they have seats in the exam rooms! I guess I need to start a diet very soon! YUCK!!!

I'm sorry I haven't posted lately! I have been sick. Last week it sounded like a frog jumped in my throat and died, and it's only gotten worse. I've been home wishing myself better ever since! On a better note, I have started reading more of the Taking Charge of your Fertility. So far, it is great. I would highly recommend it to everyone! I haven't gotten very far, but it's cleared up a few things for me already. I found out that I've been a little off on reading my CM, so that's positive. Maybe now it'll be easier on that end. I've decided to also start checking my cervical position, or at least trying. Who knows if I bend that way! LOL!

My chart has been very screwy!! I had a spike in my temp yesterday, but I think it may have been a fever. I had a very low today. I think I may be ovulating today, so that's good. I'm not sure, but hopefully my temps will back me up. My monitor is off the testing phase, so that's not very helpful!

I'm staying positive. I'm still in the learning phase. I'm getting to know my body. I've lived in it for this long, and I still don't know much about my cycles, etc. Of course, everything was thrown for a loop after my miscarriage.

Beautiful Poem

I was forwarded this beautiful poem by a friend from one of my yahoo groups. I just loved it. It's a tear jerker! It can also be found at:

http://www.amomstouch.com/canyoubeamotherpoem.htm

What Makes a Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say...

A mother has a baby
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother
when your baby is not with you?

Yes, you can He replied,
With confidence in His voice.
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
And others just for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say:

"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved Oh so much
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a mom
Who has so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.

I miss my mommy Oh so much,
But I visit every day.
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow is where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And I whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here."

So, you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are not blue.
Your babies are here in MY home,
They'll be at Heaven's gate waiting for you.

So now you see what makes a mother,
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,
Until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day,
And they'll know you were the best one!

by Jennifer Wasik in memory of Zachary Thomas Wasik

The Day After...

I survived yesterday, which was my due date. It was very hard for me to get through. I keep feeling like I should have my baby by now, either to hold, or still kicking from inside me. I went to visit with my Mom yesterday, which really helped me to not think about it. If I had just gone home instead, I would have sat down and cried my eyes out. Still no sign of ovulation. I am getting a little discouraged. It seems like my body doesn't want another baby, even though I do. I have found myself drawn to every baby I see. Even when I am playing the Sims 2 game, I have all of my sims get pregnant soon after I start playing them. I even named one of the children after the baby I lost, Hbiba, so I can see her grow up! I miss her so much!!

The light of my life

Here is my son, Azize. He's 2 1/2, and he's everything to me. When I learned I was pregnant with him, I was so happy! I had wanted to have a child for a few years. It was like a dream come true. He is such a well behaved child, and everything he does just makes me love him more. He is now talking away. I call him my parot, since he repeats almost everything I say, or he hears either on TV or from people around him. This picture was taken after I had made a lace bowl on my embroidery machine. He took one look at it, said "My Hat", and put it on his head. It took me awhile to get it back! Just being around him just makes me want another child!