I feel lucky!

I have been thinking a lot lately about my current relationship and past relationships. I realized that I have more emotional baggage than I had realized. It acts like a little voice in the back of my head that gets in the way of having a normal relationship. It turns me into this suspicious person that doubts everything.

In my marriage (which is thankfully over now!), I went through a lot of crap. It ranged from him sneaking around behind my back and watching massive amounts of porn when I wasn't around, chatting with women asking if they had webcams and if they lived alone in case they decided to "get together", lying, sneaking, and so much more. He was also emotionally abusive (sometimes physically too), and often told me that I was a slut, a fat cow, that noone will ever want me because I'm fat and have a child, that I'm disgusting, that I'm a horrible person, etc. Overall, it was an unhappy 4 1/2 years that I was with him! He kept saying that he would change. Luckily after 4 years, I realized that he never would.

Now I am enjoying my relative freedom from my ex-husband, with crap from him every few weeks instead of daily. YAY! It could be worse (I could be still married to him! LOL!) I made a few changes to my life and to my house that I felt were very positive changes. I knew that I was so much happier, Azize seemed happier, and the cats were even 1000% happier. They never liked him, and were scared of him. That should have been my first clue! Yet I was lonely, and spent many nights crying myself to sleep and aching to be held and kissed.

That's when I met Bob. I emailed him on match.com, and wasn't expecting a reply at all since I hadn't gotten any other replies. I was feeling particularly down since I had been sending out emails and I was being ignored. The people that I had emailed would view my profile and chose not to respond and it made me feel that there was something wrong with me. Well, Bob responded to my email and seemed interested. Over the last couple of weeks I have gotten to know him, and I believe that he is the most kind, caring, sweet, wonderful man that was ever born! I let him read my blog which contains a lot of my self doubting and self hatred crap, and he didn't scare away. If a man can read my blog journal and not be scared away or freaked out, than he must be a good man. I wrote some bad things about myself in there, and he didn't care.

I have realized that I have put him through a lot already. He has seen sides of me that are not attractive (more like whiney, needy, and just plain depressing), and I have cried more times with him in the last 2 weeks than in the last 6 months. Now, it wasn't anything to do with anything about him. It was all because of self doubt, and me wondering if he was still interested in me, if he was thinking that he'd like me to go away, if he was regreting emailing me back. Well, you get the picture. He has been very patient and loving through all of it. He has reassured me as much as I need to be reassured, showed me endless patience, and showed that he wants to make me happy no matter what I am going through. This showed me that not only is he the opposite of my ex husband (THANK GODDESS!), but that he is the type of person that I want to be with and to take care of. He's still very interested, and that's a GREAT sign!

I have talked with him about his past relationships, and why they did not work out. I always try to get this information, because it can give you clues about what to expect down the road if they are being truthful. He said that one of the major reasons that it didn't work out is that he works crazy hours, and tons of overtime, so he wasn't around much. Well, if the women leave him because he works hard, then they didn't deserve him. I've already had a taste of this, and it's something that I believe I can handle. I'm in it for the long haul, and it's a small price to pay to be with this wonderful guy. All of his exes don't know what they've lost!! I do, and he's mine!!

Gwen