I give up!!

I give up on everything! Life is so emotionally draining. I have a hectic schedule with work, home, housework, yard work, school, and trying to have a social life. I just want to curl up into a ball, and throw in the white flag. I surrender!! I need a vacation from being me. I need a vacation from worrying about money, school work, whether or not a guy likes me, and being alone. Can I have a standin for Gwen, and go lay on the beach somewhere for weeks? "The part of Gwen will be played by...".

As all of you know, I have been going on and on about this one guy that I have been friends with for about a year. I have dreamed about him for almost that long, but alas I was married (even though it was unhappily). After my separation and pending divorce, he came in to my office on another matter, and asked me to hang out that evening. Well, I had a great time and realized that I really like this guy as a friend, and more. I was excited!! After all, I've been dreaming about him for over a year, and now I am divorced. He is awesome, and I had so much fun. He also said that he had a lot of fun. He told me today that his friends all said that I was so nice, and they liked me. It feels great that I passed the friends test!

Ok, fast forward to a week and a half later. I've seen and talked to this guy, but something seems different. I am no longer excited about us hanging out that day. I've driven myself crazy thinking about this guy, and driven a few of my friends crazy by talking about this guy! (Sorry Guys!!) Now in hindsight, I'm pretty sure that he is not interested in me romantically. Last year he told me what his type is, and he said that his type is: 1) about 120 pounds, 2) No Tattoos, 3) No children. Dang, I failed ALL 3!! From the sounds of it, he is describing his ex girlfriend. Ouch, this is what I am up against?! She sounds dang near perfect, except that he found her with his arms around another guy! OUCH! Yet, he is being very friendly, and has flirted with me. I just don't know what to make of it, or this guy for that matter! I was in a relationship for too long, I just don't know how to read guys! The plus side is that he knows me, and he appears to want to be friends despite all of my confidence issues.

I have been feeling bad about my body lately. I really don't think this guy has that much to do with it. I would love to lose about 100 pounds, but I don't think that's ever going to happen. I have had a baby, and my body shows! I have stretch marks, and my stretch marks have given birth to more stretch marks! (I need to try to remember to keep them apart! LOL!) My breasts show the obvious tale that they were working breasts (breastfed my son). My skin is terrible everywhere, not just on my face. I am scared stiff at the idea that I will have to be naked in front of a man in the forseable future, unless I decide to become a nun and live in seclusion. I don't think that is going to happen any time soon! It was different with Mohamed. He knew exactly what I looked like naked, and he loved how I look. Someone else may just look at me and think "Yuck". I have to compete with thin young women with smooth skin and skimpy clothes! I have a wardrobe full of frumpy clothes, and no money to go out and buy stylish clothes! I barely have money right now for the bills!

I know that I am only recently divorced, and I probably shouldn't be thinking about other men already. I'm perfectly happy right now as a divorced lady, but would like to feel like I can attract and interest men. As it is, I feel like I'll be alone for the rest of my life because there are so many prettier, thinner women with perfect bodies out there for men to choose from. Come on, even if they don't admit it, men are attracted to the thin women. There's nothing we can do about it! I can't make this guy attracted to me whatever I do. Either he is, or he isn't, and no amount of baking is going to change that. Yet, I keep baking for him, and thinking about him. I did realize that I am baking for him to make him happy, because I want him to be happy. Not necessarily because I am trying to get him by appealing to his stomach. If it has that effect, that's great - Added bonus!

Gwen