YAY! We’re compatible!

Ok. By now, I know that John and I are compatible. I was talking with a friend about astrological compatibility, so I thought I'd check that too. Turns out, we're very compatible. Not all of this is true (Like Cancer taking the lead. Sorry John, but that's not really true. hehe)

This just affirmed what I knew all along. John and I are good together! I so happy!

Here's what the yahoo compatibility thingie said...


Gemini & Cancer..

When Gemini and Cancer come together in a love affair, it may be a rather curious relationship. Sensitive, emotional Cancer has trouble communicating clearly, but clear communication is what defines Gemini. Gemini's chivalrous nature and silver tongue may encourage the Crab to come out of its shell more quickly than usual; Cancer, in turn, can teach Gemini to slow down and appreciate the world, which the frenetic Twins hardly ever take time to do. If Gemini seems to ignore Cancer or doesn't provide them with as much reassurance and intimacy as Cancer needs, trouble may ensue. These two Signs approach the world in such different manners that they must be able to understand and accept one another's differences.

Cancer is the Sign of home and hearth, while Gemini is the thinker. Gemini can easily slip into the role of Cancer's knight in shining armor; Cancer returns that favor with their characteristic urge to protect the ones they love. Quality of home life is important to Cancer, and Gemini will be spoiled by their Cancer lover's hearty home cooking, soft bed and other creature comforts. Cancer is strongly intuitive and maintains an almost psychic connection with their loved ones, but can tend toward possessiveness and idealization of their Gemini partner. If Gemini just reassures Cancer that they're loved and cherished, all will go smoothly.

Gemini is ruled by the Planet Mercury (Communication) and Cancer is ruled by the Moon (Emotions). Cancer tends to keep their emotions bottled up inside as they have trouble expressing themselves. They envy Geminis their gift of open, clear communication afforded by the influence of Mercury. Gemini, in turn, can benefit from Cancer's intuitive approach, so different from Gemini's bubbly, surface nature; Cancer can teach Gemini to slow down and appreciate life instead of passing by the good things in their rush to get to the next new thing.

Gemini is an Air Sign and Cancer is a Water Sign. If these two Signs can work together they can be a great team; after all, the best decisions are made by incorporating the emotions and the intellect. The trouble for these two lies in learning to cooperate. They come from such opposite points of view that at times it can seem as if they simply have nothing in common. Deep, emotional Cancer can also sometimes dampen Gemini's airy enthusiasm, and light, fast-paced Gemini can leave Cancer feeling ruffled, even tattered. Balance can be achieved if they learn to talk openly with one another.

Gemini is a Mutable Sign and Cancer is a Cardinal Signs. Gemini is flexible, willing to go with the flow and follow another's lead; Cancer is an initiator and likes to provide that lead. Gemini may try to lead by being brave, even confrontational; for it to run smoothly between these two, they both need to learn when to back down and let the other lead the way.

What's the best aspect of the Gemini-Cancer relationship? Once they realize they're allies, they can soar to great heights together. Gemini is always thinking ahead and Cancer is quietly supporting these ideas behind the scenes. Each partner's ability to provide what the other is lacking makes theirs a fulfilling relationship.

It's all about the dot dot dot.

I met John about a month and a half ago. When I got his email (on myspace of course! LOL!), I immediately recognized his picture since I had previously checked out his profile. When you get to know someone new, you really don't know what to expect. I thought that it wouldn't hurt to talk with him and get to know him. I'm so glad that I did!

John is the sweetest and most caring person that I have ever met let alone been with. Just as one example, I had told him a couple of weeks ago that I would watch football with him IF he explains what happens in the game. Football is a big mystery to me and my eyes glaze over whenever someone talks about it because I have no idea what's going on. Well, we watched football together yesterday and he did explain how the game works, what was going on, and answered all of my questions. Not only that, but he asked me more than once if I wanted to watch something else. I was surprised that he even remembered what I had said, let alone explain everything to me.

Second example: Later on yesterday he asked me out of the blue if I was feeling ok. This surprised me since I didn't remember really complaining about how I was feeling for awhile. He said that he knew I was due to start my period and wanted to make sure that I was feeling ok and not feeling badly. I was very surprised to say the least. Noone other than my Mom has ever asked me that. It just amazed me that he cared enough to ask, or was even thinking about it.

He sends me little love notes almost every day. Oh, and there was one day that he was checking his email at my house, and he was writing an email and he always puts three dots between sentences. He said "It's all about the dot dot dot." Don't know why, but that was the cutest thing ever. What can I say, he is the most wonderful person that I have ever met. I'm so lucky that he found me. 47 days of happiness and counting...
Gwen

For Hbiba - written 11/13/2007

On delicate wings of pastel pink and blue
My darling angel floats gently to heaven
The ache in my heart has yet to dull
It has turned into my constant dreary companion
I had you with me only a few short weeks
My arms still ache to hold and cradle you
Yet all I have is a tattered photo,
Wings of butterflies, and a broken heart.

~Gwen

We love and miss you my darling. You will always be in our hearts. - Love Mommy and Zizie

A True Boyfriend Would...

I've seen this before, but thought it was so wonderful that I'd post it. It makes me realize how lucky I really am. Thank you J-Are! Ok - stop rolling your eyes now everyone!


What a real man would do....

• Grab her neck when you kiss her, it's a real turn on. Not her butt/boobs.

• Stay on the phone with her even if shes not saying anything.

• When she's mad hug her tight and don't let go then kiss her

• When she says she's ok dont believe it talk with her

• Never cheat on her because 10 yrs later she'll remember you

• Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her

• Call her before you sleep and after you wake up

• Treat her like a person and not something to show off for

• Tease her and let her tease you back.

• Stay up all night with her when she's sick.

• Watch her favorite movie with her.

• TRUST HER WITH HER GUY FRIENDS!!!!!!

• Let her wear your clothes.

• When she's bored and sad, hang out with her.

• Let her know she's important.

• Kiss her in the pouring rain.

• When she runs up at you crying, the first thing you say is;"Who's ass am I kicking ?


"If you do post this in the next four minutes the one you love will :

•Call you.
•Kiss you.
•Love you.
•Text you.

Guys post as: "I'd be this boyfriend."
Girls post as: "A true boyfriend

Unexpected

If you know me, you will know that I have not had the best luck in relationships lately. It's not meeting guys that's the problem. I have guys lining up at my proverbial door waiting to meet me. Weirdest feeling since I didn't have this kind of luck before I got married. The problem has been meeting someone that I am compatible with, and someone who is not out to take advantage of me. I've been looking for a genuinely caring, kind, compassionate person that will love me truly for who I am, not who I have or what I can do for them.

I'll admit, I'm a bit jaded after so many failed relationships. I've been hurt countless times. I was beginning to think that love didn't exist at all, but it was an illusion to aid guys in taking advantage of poor naiive saps like me. It's bait and switch. Society pounds into us that love should be like a fairytale. We're searching for that "true love" based on an illusion that doesn't exist. This is just a bit of background to show you that I am jaded. haha

I started talking with JR about a week and a half ago. He emailed me from Myspace, and I thought "What the heck, I'll talk with him". What did I have to lose, right? Well, this guy is very kind, gentle, caring, sweet, and considerate... We can talk for hours on the phone, and feel like it's only been 30 minutes. One night we had been talking for almost 3 1/2 hours, and when it came time to hang up I mentioned that I didn't want to get off the phone. He said that he didn't either. On our first date, He gave me a hug but not a kiss. When I asked him about it later, he said he didn't want to rush me. Hear that? Sound of my heart melting. lol

I've been thinking about it recently. It's been a LONG time since I've been cuddled and kissed without the guy doing it just to get laid. Never for the sake of just cuddling and kissing. It's been well over a decade. It was very nice to cuddle and kiss for hours. It made me feel very special and cared for. I'm happy.

Gwen

Mal de la coeur

The worst part about being single is not having anyone there anytime you need to be loved. I have this yearning to be held, to be kissed, and to be loved. Now I'm usually fine being single. I'm not the kind of person who needs a relationship to be happy, and I'm usually equally happy being single as I am in a relationship. I have wonderful friends, family and people that I love dearly. But what do you do when you need to be loved?

Most guys I have met lately just want to get laid and that's it. They're interested in starting up a sexual fling, but that's not what I'm looking for now. I literally got 5+ emails yesterday alone from guys saying I was beautiful and wanting to get to know me or wanting to be "friends". Yes, I am a sexual person and I do believe that sex is a very important part of a relationship. Heck, it can be a great part of a friendship. But are there any guys out there that want romance in addition to just sex? Are there any guys that would be there when I need a hug, when I want to talk about something that I find interesting, or when I want someone to cuddle up and watch a movie with? Oh Goddess, where is that guy or girl?

Gwen

Update again

I wanted to give a short update to everyone. When you think things are just too good to be true, they usually are. The guy that was such a great guy and so awesome? Not only was he using me for my money (always promised to pay me back once he got his first paycheck), but I found out he was coming onto tons of women on Myspace behind my back telling them that he had broken up with his girlfriend WHILE he was living with me and making purchases on my debit card I didn't authorize. What a scum!! I'm so glad that I kicked him out, and I'm not looking back. Why do guys feel that they can use, abuse, lie and sneak around behind your back? Why can't I just get someone who will love me for me?

Update

Since my friends are all over and spread out now, I thought I would give an update this way. This has been a wonderful week for me and I am floating on the clouds. I got an email from this guy that happened to be from the same area I live in wanting to get to know me. We exchanged a few emails back and forth through Myspace of all places. lol! My first thought was that he was hot and wondering if it was some kind of scam or what he was looking for but I agreed to meet with him at a local bar for karaoke night that night.

I had no idea what time to meet him so I showed up at about 9:30, and sat there and sat there, and sat there. I felt this dread as I sat there alone (well not totally alone, I was getting hit on by a gross redneck drunk) that he wasn't coming. When I was about to give up I looked up and saw this very handsome guy on the other side of the bar and I knew it was him. He (eventually) came over and asked who I was meeting. We talked and immediately hit it off. He has just swept me off my feet in such a short time.

This guy is just awesome! He is everything that I have wanted, and not to mention that he thinks that I'M awesome! My mom and step-dad even like him! I'm so happy!

Gwen

Update

Hi! I haven't updated in awhile, so I wanted to let everyone know what's going on. I've been going through a lot lately, so I've been pretty quiet. I feel like I've got too much going on, and a lot of changes have been made.

First, David and I broke up awhile ago. I can't say that I'm shocked, but I was surprised. It seemed to come out of the blue for me. We did do the on again-off again thing a couple of times. Lately it just hadn't been going very well, but it still was a surprise. I miss him and still care about him, but hopefully he'll be happier this way. The worst part of it was that the day (less than 24 hours) after we broke up, I went up to see him and walked in on him chatting with another woman. That made me feel upset and disposable, and that I didn't matter to him or that I wasted the last 7 months. I still don't know how I feel about all of this. I keep going between depressed, confused, angry, and there are times it doesn't seem to bother me.

I have taken myself out of classes and told them that I would not be returning. I don't have enough time, energy or sanity left to do everything. Something had to give. In this case, it was either have a break down or withdraw from school. I guess I made the best choice. Maybe I'll go back again in the fall to a local school, but at this point I'm not sure. I just don't have enough time for myself or for Azize.

Money has been a huge issue for me lately. I seem to have more bills than money. I'm so frustrated lately, since I am paying all of my money to bills, and I'm still falling way behind. Things are normally ok, but I got behind awhile ago and I'm just falling further behind. It is causing me so much stress, and even thinking of money makes me want to cry and then kick my ex for not paying the amount of child support that I was awarded. I don't know what to do.

On a positive note, I don't think I mentioned that I've made a new friend. Holly is very cool, and I've really enjoyed talking with her and spending time with her. Not to mention, she got me hooked on World of Warcraft, so I'm spending a lot of time lately playing that. It's one of the only stress relievers I have right now, so I feel better after I play. Anyway, Holly is awesome!

I think that sums up most of what's going on. That's what I want to share, anyway. lol!

~Gwen~

Eeeekkkk!

It's really been a month since I blogged? That's shameful!!! Hmm, not much has happened that is out of the ordinary. I've been working, doing school work, being a single mom and trying to have a social life. So, really not much new here. My son, Zizie, will be 4 years old on Monday!!! YIKES! Do I feel old. :) In some ways it feels like he was born a couple of months ago instead of a few years ago. In other ways, it feels like I've always had him in my life.

We recently went to Searsport with my best friend Leslie and her Mom. Searsport is about 20 minutes or so from the town I live in. We had a great time - we went to flea markets, to the maritime museum and out to eat. Leslie also got some great pictures of Zizie.

Finally - The truth!!!

Tut Tut it looks like rain

"Christopher Robin!" he said in a loud whisper.
"Hallo!"
"I think the bees suspect something!"
"What sort of thing?"
"I don't know. But something tells me that they're suspicious!"
"Perhaps they think that you're after their honey?"
"It may be that. You never can tell with bees."
There was another little silence, and then he called down to you again.
"Christopher Robin!"
"Yes?"
"Have you an umbrella in your house?"
"I think so."
"I wish you would bring it out here, and walk up and down with it, and look up at me every now and then, and say 'Tut-tut, it looks like rain.' I think, if you did that, it would help the deception which we are practicing on these bees."


Ok, I went outside and thought to myself "It looks like rain". Then of course, being a HUGE Winnie the Pooh fan, I thought of the Little Black Raincloud story. Not only did I think of it, I heard it in my head as Michael (ex-boyfriend for those of you who don't know) used to read it to me. He used to read Winnie the Pooh stories to me until I fell asleep, and he even did cute voices for all of the characters. It's amazing how my mind works. It made me smile and remember great memories. :o)

Gwen

15 years

Yesterday was exactly 15 years since my cousin Deena died in a car accident. We spent what ended up being her last day together. We went to Alamoosic lake and swam. We spent hours doing that and driving around. We then went back to her house and baked a cake for our grandmother, who's birthday was the day before. After we spent the day together, she dropped me off at home, and headed out to Blue Hill to meet friends. On her way, she ended up rolling her car, and she never made it.

Yesterday was a very hard day for me. She was my best friend and the person I looked up to the most. I loved her so much, and loved spending time with her. After I heard the news of her death that day, I felt like I had died too. It changed me forever. That day was the start of my battle with depression.

I bought a bleeding heart yesterday, which seemed fitting. The last time I bought one was with my Mom for my aunt after Deena died. It seems fitting to me that this should be the flower that reminds me of Deena and her death. I still get the feeling that she's with me from time to time. As a wiccan I believe that it is because she is. Sometimes I get an overwhelming feeling that she's standing behind me, and I know without a doubt that it's her. She is always behind me, maybe she's letting me know that she's watching over me (She's "got my back").

Deena, you are very much loved and missed by all of us!!! Fifteen years seems like a lifetime!!

Gwen

The new guy in my life - four legs, wiskers, fur and all!

Ok, that sounds pretty bad. You're probably wondering if I have a new boyfriend that's less than, um, perfect? Naw. A couple of weeks ago I was at my step-sister's house. She is getting to leave for basic training, and has to get rid of her cats. I was patting Gabbers, and she asked me if I wanted him. She had Gabe when she used to live with us at Mom's house, and I knew that he is a sweet cat so I said yes. I knew that it would be a challenge at first especially, but had not expected him to be as skiddish as he was. This had developed since he moved with her in with her Husband, so I only can guess what they (or he) must have done to poor Gabbers.

It took Gabe a couple of days to come out of hiding, but I have been very patient. He mainly comes out in the evenings when we're more quiet and has become so much more comfortable around us. I can see a difference in him already. He has become my special sweetie (much to my other 3 cat's dismay), since he is so scared. He now meets me on the stairs when he hears me tell Azize that it's time for bed. He knows that he gets his lovie time with me after Azize has been put to bed. If I don't pat him on the stairs, he comes and rubs on my legs as I sit on the computer. What a little lovebug!

Gwen

Tired :o)

I'm sitting at my desk at work and I'm very tired. I don't want to do work!! I just want to go home. I was up late last night. I had a long day yesterday. Well, after work I went up to drop off a chair that I was giving away to someone on my freecycle group that didn't have a car, and then back to walmart for grocery shopping. That was 75 miles at that point. After grocery shopping, a quick drive through supper (horrible I know, but it was late), and home to get Z to bed. Then putting groceries away which entails cleaning out the fridge. This is the most dreaded of tasks.

At that point I was actually feeling a little down. I got an IM from a good friend even though I was on "invisible", and ended up chatting for hours. It was nice, and exactly what I needed. Then I was too wound up to sleep, so I thought it was a good time to do the dishes. It was midnight at that point. As I was laying down to go to bed, I realized that I hadn't posted my homework for school. So I got up to do my homework. It's a retake class, so it's rewording my previous work so I don't get slapped with Plagiarism for reposting my own work(Outragious but beside the point), then back to bed at 2am.

I'm actually pretty lucid today for 4 1/2 hrs of sleep!!! Check back in a couple of hours and it may be a different story. LOL! I snore, so hopefully I won't end up sleeping slumped over my keyboard at work.

Cheers. At least it's almost Friday. :o)

Gwen

A sheep in the wolf's lair?

I literally feel like I'm going crazy, or like I'm about to sell my soul to the devil. Ok, maybe I'm being melodramatic. I'm setting myself up for a big fall again. I'm single again. I have no idea what it is, maybe a side effect from one of my new meds, but my libido has sky rocketed. I'm uncomfortable to say the least. Not only that, but I'm craving touch, and to be held, kissed, etc.

I've been talking with an ex. I won't name any names, but this certain ex broke my heart into a million pieces last fall. We've been friends again for a month or two now, and since my last relationship ended, our conversations have turned in another direction. I have recently asked this person to make love to me. I'm not at all scared of this person, or the act, and I made it clear that I was just after the sex and being near another person. But what happens if we do it, and it awakens all of those feelings I had for this person that it took me so long to surpress? (I'm still gonna do it though! LOL!)

~Gwen

SPRING!!!!!

It's so warm here! I had my window at work open all day last week and I was still stifling hot at my desk. I had my window open and we decided to put on the air conditioning since the outside air is too warm. It seems weird to say "too warm". Like that's a bad thing!!! Plus, I have noticed that my crocuses are up and blossomed. They are always the first thing up every year, and they give me hope.

I opened up the door this weekend and closed the screen door so we could get some fresh air in the house. The kitties were glued to the front door in amazement. It was like a new world had been opened up for them. They spent most of the day by the front door. I don't blame them. I want to be outside too!

Azize and I have been out doing yard work for the last few days, which is nice. I'm clearing the dead plants and leaves, and making room for the new plants to grow again. I'll clear out dead plants one day and look the next day to find that the new plants have grown so much in that one day. Everything is getting so green, and it's making me feel better too.

I've been in the mood to do work around the house. I'm slowly making the house my own, and making it nicer. I want to get rid of some of the useless stuff in my house! I'm tired of all the clutter and not being able to move around very well! I'm slowly getting things done that have been bugging me and depressing me for months. I'm making more time for crafts, and I've been feeling better.

Damn, I'm so glad it's spring!!

Gwen

Doodle Head!

When Azize first went to day care, my aunt who ran the day care spelled his name Esses, (who knows why!), but she called him Essie. She would call him Essie Doodle. Over the years, it has turned into various nicknames, including Zizie Doodle, Doodle Head, Doodle Headed Boy, etc. Anyway, here is a super cute pic of him goofing around with his Auntie Leslie while I was getting my tattoo done. He is such a goofy kid!!

~Gwen~

I was looking at the website for one of our local tv stations, and they had historical pictures from their television history. This picture was on the page, and it is Bozo the clown from 1963. Let me tell you, this is the creepiest damn clown I have seen! It reminds me of Michael, my ex boyfriend, who also appreciates the creepiness of clowns. You can check his website out at http://www.freezerclown.com/
Brace yourself...

Best Friends

When we are in grammar school, we quickly learn that we are only supposed to have one Best Friend. You can have many friends, but it is that one special person that you become best friends with. I threw caution to the wind, and I was lucky enough to find TWO best friends. I'm even more lucky that they like each other, and we've hung out together too.

I met Sarah on the first day of first grade. Of course, we became friends right away. One thing that made us best friends is a decision I made in 5th grade. I was sitting with or near some other girls in the classroom, and I heard them making fun of Sarah for wearing New Kids on the Block stuff. Something made me decide that I would rather be friends with her than with them. I went over and sat next to Sarah, and said something like "I like the New Kids on the Block too". I think that's the point we became best friends. Being her best friend was one of the best decisions I have ever made to this day! She is kind, gentle, loving, caring, and so much more. She has been there for me whenever I needed her for the last 22+ years. I admire her courage, and her inner strength. My son calls her Auntie Sarah, and her son calls me Auntie Gwen. I could not live even one day without her as my friend.

Leslie and her mom, Mary Jane moved into a house that was down the road from my house when I was in grammar school. I guess I first actually met Leslie on the bus at school, but we didn't become friends then. She is a few years older than I am, so you wouldn't necessarily befriend someone that much younger at school. I became friends with her when we attended the same church (*HUGE SHUDDER AND FACIAL TICKS*). We quickly became friends, and I hung out at her house ALL THE TIME! Most of the time it was every day! We weren't as close when she moved out of state, but we kept in contact by phone calls and letters. We got so much closer again after I moved to California, and she moved back home. It figures that we would be very close even though we were on opposite sides of the country. When I moved home, we went back to hanging out all the time. We have similar senses of humor, which is sarchastic and a little offbeat. We always have jokes just between the two of us, and everyone else looks at us like our heads just set on fire. She even screams "Mommy's on FIRE, LOOK AT MOMMY" with me when the gory parts come on during CSI so Azize will look at me instead of the TV. LOL! She also has incredible inner strength and beauty! I can't imagine my life without her!

I admire both of my best friends! Together, they have dragged me through dark periods in my life, and stuck by me through everything! They are the sisters that I never had! I'm blessed to call them my besties friends!!!

Gwen

My damn morning!

I was on my way to work this morning, and driving in Penobscot (the town I grew up in located in Rural Maine). It snowed last night, and I knew the roads weren't very good. There was a guy in a pickup pulled off the road picking up his paper. He was on my side of the road, facing me with the rear of the pickup in the road. There was a few other cars coming on the other side of the road towards me, and I didn't have enough room to get around. I tried to stop, and skid into the pickup truck.

I have no idea what I'm going to do about a vehicle. The police officer estimated that there is about $2,500 damage for each vehicle. I have an older car, and only liability insurance. Now I need to find another car soon since I have gaping hole in the front of mine where the headlights used to be. At least I am expecting a pretty large tax return back - almost $3800, so I should be able to use it to buy another car. I had hoped to use that to pay off bills, but I need a car!!

Thank goodness we were not hurt. It could have been worse! I'm always scared about getting into an accident with Azize in the car! I should have stayed in bed this morning!!Gwen

Remembering my angel on his/her day

Yesterday was one year after my due date for my angel. It has been a year and a half since my miscarriage, and I still have a hole in my heart. All I have of my baby is one yellowing printout from the last ultrasound where I saw my baby alive, a necklace that I have only taken off once to put a charm on it since September of 2005, and now my tattoo. I should have been chasing after another baby by now, holding and loving my baby. Even after all this time, it just doesn't seem fair that this happened.

Hbiba, wherever you are I hope you know that I love you very much and I always will.

Gwen

Disconnected...

I feel like I've been disconnected from everyone lately. I have not had any time to breathe let alone do everything that I need to get done. I've also been sick, so I'm behind on everything. I've spend all of my free time just trying to catch up on school work, house work, etc.

I feel like I never have any time to spend with my friends and family. As a result I've been feeling lonely. Things are going well with David, and I enjoy spending time with him. He comes over at least once a week, if not twice so that helps. I did have David, my Mom, and my brother's family over for a visit to my house this weekend, and that helps too. I still feel alone now. I know that it's all my doing, and that I could get out there and make time to visit with my friends!!

I did have help around the house this weekend. David helped me to clean up the house, and get it ready for my family to come. It's nice that the house is less messy. It won't last long, as Azize drags toys everywhere and the house is already getting messier again. Mom did help out a lot with folding laundry, helping fix the food, helped to paint a toddler bed, and doing dishes! I feel bad when she helps, but it's nice to have the help. David also helped by sanding the toddler bed for Azize, and doing most of the first coat of paint. It's so nice to have such wonderful loved ones!!!

Gwen

Tattoo Update

have had a couple of people ask how my back is doing, so I thought I'd do an update. I have added a picture of my back now. It's mostly healed, but still has marks from where the breakouts were. I have been on antibiotics for a week tomorrow, and it has really helped that. It hasn't done much for my sinus infection, but that's ok. I just hope that the marks will go away and that I won't be scarred.

Gwen

Today

As you know, today is Valentines Day. Today is also my former anniversary. This is my first non-anniversary since my divorce. I’m feeling a little down today. Don’t get me wrong, I am not feeling bad about being divorced in any way. I’m not missing my ex-husband, or wishing that I were with him. Thank the goddess and god for that one!!! It is a reminder of all of the crap that I’ve been going through with him. I still haven’t gotten any child support from him, and haven’t since November. He still hasn’t found a job, but I know that he isn’t looking very hard to find one. I’m guessing that he’s probably working for his brother under the table (and won’t tell me so he doesn’t have to pay me). He even just got back from Morocco. His parents paid for the trip, but he lounged around on vacation (and NOT looking for a job) while I was struggling to pay the bills and going to the food pantry in order to feed our son.

This day also reminds me of all of the fights that we had, all of the times that I called the cops to make him leave the house, and all of the times I left him. It reminds me of how unhappy he made me for so long. It reminds me of how he called me a slut, a fat cow; he told me that I was worthless, and that I was ugly. He knew what to do to make me feel worthless and degraded, and that has led to lasting and irreparable damage. I was lucky that I was able to let go and get away.

It has helped so much that I am now in a relationship with a kind and caring man. He treats me so well, and also treats my son very well. He constantly tells me that I am beautiful, which is helping with my self-esteem. He is very gentle with me, and very patient. He seems to be very interested in me as a person, and not only after me just for sex and nothing else. It hasn’t been very long, but I feel very blessed to be with him.

Gwen

Grotesque

I mentioned that I had an allergic reaction to the A&D cream that I was using to tend to my new tattoo. Well, I thought I'd give you an idea of how grotesque it has become. It actually looks about 50 times better than it did a couple of days ago, but it's still pretty red and itchy. It hurts to move, and I just can't wait until my skin is back to normal!

Gwen

Going crazy!

I noticed yesterday that the area on my back where I got my tattoo was very itchy. I was expecting this, but not so soon. I can handle pain, but for some reason I cannot handle itching very well. Yesterday afternoon I looked in the mirror and found that my back was broken out. Apparently I am allergic to the A&D ointment that I was using for aftercare with my tattoo. I called the tattoo parlor and they suggested another cream that they sell so I hopped into David's truck (he was here, and his was the most handy vehicle), and went up to get the cream to switch. Since then it has gotten so much worse. It looks like a pizza it's so red. There aren't too many spots left that don't have huge itchy red pimples and blotches. I put the cream on the inside of my elbow to see if I am allergic to it, since my back seems to be getting worse instead of better. It's still too soon to tell. I am going nuts trying hard not to scratch on the tattoo. I just hope that it gets better soon!!

I fell asleep on the couch this afternoon, and when I woke up it was really cold in here. I realized very quickly that I ran out of oil again. I had to have the oil company come out on a Sunday evening to deliver, but since I had no heat I really couldn't avoid it. It's just one more thing to stress me out, but at least now I have heat!!

Gwen

I'm sore but really happy!

I went last night and got a tattoo. I have wanted to do this for at least 6 months, and have wanted another tattoo for the last 10 years. My best friend, Leslie went with me she took care of my son and took tons of photos. I couldn't have done it without her there, and she was so great! It's hard to tell from the pic on my page what it really looks like since my skin was so red. One of the butterflies in pastel pink and blue, the other one is in pastel aquamarine colors. The pink and blue symbolizes the miscarriage since I didn't know if it was a boy or girl, and the aquamarine is the color of his/her due date month. Butterflies are a symbol of pregnancy and also miscarriage which is why I chose this design. When I took off the bandage this morning, I was just amazed how vibrant and beautiful it looks now that the redness is gone!! You should have been there to watch me trying to wash it and put on the ointment this morning since it's in the middle of my back. It would have been quite entertaining if it weren't happening to me!! LOL! I may have to put Azize to work rubbing the ointment on my back! Hehe!

I'll have to have someone take a new pic to show you the colors now that the redness and swelling has gone down. It's exactly what I wanted!!!

~Gwen

Back to School and other stuff

I am excited and nervous! I have put myself back into classes! I took myself out of classes in November, and now it is the end of January. I hope that I'll be able to do it and not crack. I start on Monday, which isn't even much time to get used to the idea.

Azize is almost potty trained, thanks to my mother! When he is at her house he will go to the potty by himself, and he even flushes the toilet. Who knows if he will do the same thing at my house. He never wants to sit on the potty at home, but when we are at my Mom's or at Day Care he will. Who knows why. I'm just very happy!! I've been trying to get him to this point for the last year or so with no luck. I guess he wasn't ready. Now he loves to wear his undies but hates to be messy. I guess I can't blame him!!

I'm still sick. It's down to just a constant sinus pressure with post nasal drip and cough. I'm praying that this doesn't turn into a sinus infection, but I seem to be highly prone to them. It's been two weeks, so I think that it's probably already there. :o( I hate this time of year, and I hate being sick!!

I have been down lately and I'm not exactly sure why. Things are going very well with David! I have absolutely no complaints there! He is wonderful!! He treats both me and Azize very well. I'm trying not to let my past experiences influence this relationship, but every so often the past creeps in and I start crying. David has been so understanding when that happens, and has just been there for me until it goes away. What can I say, I think he's great!

~Gwen

Update

Hi!! Not much new here. I've been flat on my back sick with a cold that I got from my boyfriend. I guess that it's partially my fault since he didn't feel well and wanted to go home so he wouldn't get us sick. I insisted that he stay. lol!. The worst part has been the sinus part which has given me one heck of a headache but not too bad. I stayed home from work on Monday and Tuesday. Azize didn't want to go to day care today since he'd been home with Mama every day since Saturday.

I ran out of heating oil yesterday, and of course it was a day before I get paid so I had no money. I was able to talk my oil company into coming out and delivering some oil so now I have heat. I had to give them a check which they said they'd hold until today (no biggie) when I get paid. I'm even on a payment plan for my old balance, so that's good.

I've made the decision to take money out of my retirement account to help pay for some of the bills. I'm getting behind on the bills, and I really don't see another choice. I think this will help quite a bit with my stress, and if I can get some of the smaller bills paid and my credit cards paid down it might help my situation quite a bit overall. It'll be about a week until I get the check, but I'm looking forward to getting it.

I have been considering renting a booth with my boyfriend at an antiques type shop here. The owner is friends with my boyfriend, and the booths wouldn't be that expensive each month. He wants to rent one to sell some of the things he has purchased at auctions. I offered to split the cost with him and put it under my name. Now I am excited, since I've been to the auctions and you can get some really nice items at very low prices. My mom and I have some dishes that we bought when a shop was going out of business here with the idea of reselling. We haven't decided yet, but I like the idea.

Gwen

Depressed :o(

You guessed it, I'm depressed. I'm so sick of worrying about money, my messy house, everything I need to accomplish, getting everything done, etc. I don't even know why I'm depressed, but I am. I have so many people who care for me and love me, but I feel so alone. It's not anything that anyone did. Everyone has been so wonderful to me. Everything has been so wonderful with David, and when I am with him I feel so good and cared for. Maybe I'm just overtired and overstressed!

~Me

Money, Rant and Stuff :o(

I'm so sick of not having enough money. The more I think about it, the more I want to yell at my damn ex-husband. I still haven't gotten any child support, which is really taking a toll on me. I am under so much stress trying to figure out how to pay all of the bills, buy groceries and gas, not to mention all of the bill collectors calling me because I just didn't have enough money to pay everyone. It would be so much easier to bear if I knew that he was actively looking for a job. Well, he is sitting in Morocco with his parents NOT looking for a JOB. He is on VACATION and not looking for a job while I am scraping enough money to buy the bare essentials for groceries, gas, and bills. Granted his parents purchased the ticket, but he is sitting on his ass doing nothing!!! I just want to scream!! He has been out of work since the middle of November, and he could have easily found work at a store or something until he found something better, but No!! Grrrr!!

On a better note, things with David are going really well. It will be 1 month tomorrow since our first date, more than that since we started talking. I feel like I've known him for a long time, with the benefit that we still have that new relationship high feeling. I'm so comfortable with him, and I believe that he is comfortable with me. He is great with Azize, and he is more than wonderful to me. It's amazing how well we're getting along and how much we like each other even this early on. He's everything that I was looking for and not finding. It's not very often that the person you were looking for contacts you and thinks that you are awesome and wants to be with you!

~Gwen

Oy Vay! I need a drink! LOL!

My morning is not going very well. Two women in my office took it upon themselves to hold an "intervention" of sorts, telling me that I need to dump my boyfriend because he is being controlling and because he is depressed. Not only have the never even met him, they are basing this on listening in to my half of a phone call I had at my desk with him on my lunch break yesterday. They know NOTHING about him, but they insinuated that being around him will cause me to be a bad mother. They didn't come out and say it, but that is the message I got loud and clear. NOONE calls me a bad mother!!! I may be a lot of things, but I am a GREAT mother!!

I did have some good news though. My monthly mortgage payment is actually going to go down about $50 because of changes in my escrowed taxes and insurance. Plus, my weekly paycheck has increased because I got a recent raise and changes in my tax withholdings. I have been having a lot of trouble lately paying the bills because I haven't gotten anything from my deadbeat ex-husband since the beginning of November. Plus, my mom has agreed to watch Azize on Thursdays and every other Friday from now until the end of March. That will save some on day care, so I may be able to get through the winter months and maybe actually pay the bills. LOL!

~Me

Train Wreck

I have been an emotional wreck for the last couple of days. There is no one cause behind it. For the last two nights I have actually broken down crying for almost no reason. I just started my period, so I know that is part of the culprit. I usually go to tears over every little thing at that time of the month. I have been also under a lot of stress at work, and about money (especially money as bills are piling up with no end in sight!).

The last two nights I have cried to David. Even though I didn't mean it that way, it hurt him and made him feel that he had done something wrong. The thought that I might have made him feel bad makes me feel terrible. I care about him so much that it hurts me to think that I have caused him even the slightest pain or sadness. In reality, the reasons behind my tears had nothing to do with him or anything he had done. He is so sweet, caring, and kind. I'm so lucky that he found me, and that I was able to see him for the wonderful man that he is. I have no complaints about him at all!

~Me