The newest member of our household...

A lady that works for one of my customers at work has been trying to give away kittens since she found out that her cat was pregnant. Every time I talk with her, she mentions her kittens and asks if I want one. She even brought in pictures. Ok, it doesn't take much to wear me down. I went to meet the kitties on Saturday, and fell in love with this sweet boy. This will be Azize's kitty, so I am going to let him name the kitty. He was calling the kitty "Badaboo", which is something that he has been saying for weeks now (independant of talking about the kitty). I asked if "Badaboo" will be his name, and Azize said "Naoooo". This little guy was 7 weeks when I saw him on saturday, so we are planning on bring him home this week or weekend. YAY!

What about Bob? Just kidding! LOL!

I believe all of you know that I went through an emotionally painful marriage, then a divorce earlier this year. I was happy with my decision to file for divorce, and happy with the changes I made in my life. Even though I was happy with how my life was going, I could not help but be lonely and want companionship. The only guy that I hung out with was "just friends", and was not interested in me the way that I was interested in him. That was ok with me.

I decided to subscribe to match.com. I had no idea why I was even bothering. I had subscribed to yahoo personals a couple of months ago, and I did not even get one response to any of my emails. I gave up after 3 days of being ignored by those I sent emails to. I decided to try to keep an open mind and invite love into my life. The first couple of days on match.com went really bad. It was the same thing as yahoo personals all over again. It made me feel horrible about myself, and that I would be alone for the rest of my life. I came across a profile for this guy who was older than I am, but seemed nice from his profile. He really impressed me when he mentioned that he liked to leave notes for the woman he cared about for no reason. I decided to take a chance and email this guy. What is the worst that could happen? That I would get ignored again? No biggie. That's how I met Bob.

Well, Bob emailed me back pretty quickly. After a couple of emails back and forth, I decided that I would like to talk with him over the phone so I gave him my phone number. We talked for almost 2 hours, and I felt a great connection with him. I was frustrated since the pics that he had provided weren't the best for telling what his face looked like, but I didn't mind. He was so nice, and sweet. After a day or two of days of many emails back and forth, we decided to meet. I was very excited to meet him finally, since he seemed very sweet. He even had dropped off flowers and a card at my house for me while I was at work before we met.

We met in the parking lot at the True Value in Bucksport, since I knew that the parking lot wouldn't be crowded. I figure that we would go from there to do something else. We stayed standing in the parking lot for over 2 hours. I was very surprised how sweet and caring he was, and that he wanted to do things to make me happy. He had read my blog, and all the bad things I had said about myself, yet he still kept telling me how wonderful and beautiful I was. He wasn't scared off by my messy car. He wasn't even dissapointed when he saw me and realized that I don't necessarily look like the pics that he had seen of me. He really believed that I was beautiful! Plus, the man brought me Chocolate! Not just any chocolate, but the best chocolate known to man - DOVE Promises!

Over the last week I have had the privaledge to get to know Bob. I love talking with him, I love being with him, and I love that he does things to make me happy. For example, he was at my house, and I was doing dishes. He stood behind me and rubbed my shoulders and talked with me while I was washing dishes. It wasn't an earth shattering thing to do, but it meant a lot to me that he wanted to be with me enough to be with me while I was washing dishes! He met my parents, and really seemed to hit it off with my step father. He has met my son, Azize, and has really seemed to hit it off with him too. He was over to visit last night, and spent over 45 minutes or so playing with Azize with toys while I was busy in the kitchen. Azize even started calling him "Daddy", and we kept saying "No, Honey, This is Bob." We all had a lot of fun.

I only just met this man, but we have talked in depth of what we are looking for and how we feel. We have decided that we would like to get to know each other better, and try and make this work between us. We both announced at about the same time that we aren't looking for anyone else, that we want to be together and see where this goes, and that we are in a relationship. I'm not trying to rush anything, and plan on enjoying spending time with this man. He is someone that deserves to be cared for and taken care of. He wants to take care of me, and loves that I want to take care of him.

So - Back off ladies, this guy is Mine!

Gwen

selling point

We were talking at work today about all the new flavors of coke and pepsi. "black-raspberry vanilla," "black cherry vanilla," "strawberry and creme," "insert trendy yet confusing flavor mixture here...."

If coke really wants to kick pepsi in the ass, they should put the coke back in coke. That's what made it famous in the first place. It could be like "coke classic." "coke special edition: controlled level II substance cola."

One Year already!

It has been one year today since my miscarriage was confirmed and I had my d&c. I can't believe that it's been one year since I lost my precious Hbiba! I'm having a hard time today. At least my darling is with me always in spirit!

Gwen

Nice surprise...

I subscribed to www.match.com a few days ago and I was not very optimistic about meeting anyone. I recently tried the online dating thing again on another website, and was frustrated with all of the men completly blowing me off and not responding to my email messages. What is the point of paying for the service if you are going to get ignored? I had been sending messages to guys on match.com and still getting ignored. I was ready to cry, scream, and/or curse men forever!

That's when I met Bob yesterday. He is very nice, caring, warm and funny! We really seemed to hit it off. We have exchanged pics, and planned a couple of dates already. Hopefully we'll hit it off in person as much as we did over the phone and emails! We'll know soon!

Yes, Bob, I know you're reading this!! Haha! Talk to you soon!

Gwen

This is me...

Here are a few things about me that not many people actually know.

• I am happy about who I was, who I am, and feel in control of who I will become
• I am confident some times, but I am insecure too.
• I am enjoying being alone, but I am also lonely and need to be held and loved
• Deep down I am afraid that I will be alone for the rest of my life
• I am daring and willing to try new things, but I like knowing that I'm safe
• I like having a routine, yet I feel like I am in a rut.
• I have a long time boyfriend - Coffee!!
• I'm a good mother. I believe it's the only thing in my life that I am good at since I love it.
• I am shy especially when it comes to men because I have been rejected many times
• I hate being put in the role of friend with men just because I am fat.
• I am a loving, giving person who would do anything for someone I care about
• I have been taken advantage of because of this.
• I need to feel loved in order to be happy in a relationship. I'm often unhappy in a relationship because I don't feel loved.
• I'm addicted to hugs, touch, kisses, etc and need this when I am in a relationship.
• I tell my son that I love him at least once a day. I hug him many times a day. I want him to feel loved.
• I'm very protective of my son since I don't want to lose him or anything to happen to him.
• I had a miscarriage last year, which makes me secretly fear losing my son too.
• I have very low self esteem, and I don't believe it when people say that I am beautiful.
• I lost two good friend in my life, both to car accidents. This makes me treasure all of my friends even more.
• I am passionate about what I believe in.
• I have secrets that not many people know, but I am an open person.
• I have two best friends, and have been friends with them for around 20 years each. I'm only 28, so that's a great accomplishment!

These are just a few things that is who I am.

Gwen

I finally got my answer...

I got a call from the surveyor on Friday asking me to hang out with him. I really like hanging out with him, so I agreed to go. I met him, and we went to his co-worker's house to hang out. This co-worker usually gets some of the baked goods that I give to the surveyor. The surveyor told me awhile ago that he was sharing with a co-worker, and since then I've sent extra for his co-worker since. We had a great talk on the way to his co-workers house. We talked, ate pizza around a bon fire, drank beer and had a good time at his co-workers house. His co-worker even raved about all of the baked goods that I have sent, and asked me to keep sending them. The surveyor and I even talked for about 45 minutes once we got to where my car was parked before we each went home. Sometime during the evening he mentioned to the group of people that he had a date for a couple of days later. Before I got into my car to go home, I wished him luck on his date. He said that he didn't think that it would work out to be anything since she has kids. I had heard him say before that he didn't want to date anyone with children and didn't want any children of his own. I asked him why he felt that way, and he told me. Most of it was because he doesn't want his lifestyle to be changed by children. He said that he would probably just hang out with her "like we do". It hit me hard to hear him say that, since it confirmed my feeling that he only wants to be friends. I am happy to be his friend, and I think he's awesome. I have so much fun when I am around him. In thinking about it, it is good to know how he feels after all this time of wondering.

Late Saturday night I was crying and cursing him. I was crying because I now realize that I care deeply about someone that doesn't feel the same way back, crying because I needed to be held, crying because I am all alone and feel like I'll never find anyone. I decided that since I couldn't sleep that I would get up and check my email. I ended up looking through the listings on match.com. I don't know why I bother with the dating websites, since whenever I email someone they take one look at my profile and don't email me back.

I got a call from the surveyor on Sunday. He asked me if I was still at school or if I was on a break. I'm still curious why he was asking me that. I told him that I was in school and that I didn't get a break between classes. He thanked me for going on Friday and said that he liked talking with me and had a good time. I don't get him! I'm glad to be a part of his life on his terms. I'm glad that I now know what the terms are. I am always learning new things about the surveyor, which helps me to understand him more. I gave up trying to figure him out awhile ago, since I was always confused when I tried.

Gwen

Crappy advice given to men...

I was searching for dating advice online to see if I could tell if a particular guy was interested in me the way that I am interested in him. Those of you that know me know who I am talking about. I've been friends with him for over a year, and I really like him. I stumbled across these suggestions on www.askmen.com about how to show her that you are not interested. These are on their "Do" list:

1) Ask about her hot friend
2) Tell her that you have a friend that is perfect for her
3) Let her know that you are busy lately
4) Subtly highlight clashes of opinion (they suggest to tell women with kids that you would never date anyone with a kid)
5) Not so direct approach.

This made me really think. He has asked me if I have any single friends, he has suggested that if I want "some flesh" that I could go to his friend's place (the single guys are in their 60's so it may have been a joke), he has even told me that he wouldn't date anyone with a child. Now, he hasn't said any of these things in a long time and he was saying these things after he broke up with his girlfriend and I was still married so there wasn't even an issue of us dating. Lately he hasn't mentioned any other women, has been flirty, and our conversations frequently end up talking about sex. I just don't know what to think. I wish I could tell if he was interested! I really care a lot for him, and I would be ok if he wasn't interested. However, I would prefer to know!!

Gwen

Genious?

I'm a genious? YAY! Can I put that on resume? How do you list "headache induced genious thought" on a resume? LOL!

Gwen

wow!

you're a genius! I hate to tell you this, but the headache is workin' for you. rock on! ;)

Yucky, Ucky, Ducky...

I have a headache today. I've tried throwing massive amounts of caffeine at it (down the hatch LOL), and it's not helping. I've tried bribing it with chocolate, still not helping even though I am happier because of the chocolate. I think I might have a sinus problem, so really should make an appointment with my doctor. Grrrr... I never realized that chocolate could be philosophically deep. I'm eating Dove Promises (YUMMY!!), and these have sayings on the inside of the wrappers. I have gotten ones that say:

When hearts race, both win.
Wink at someone driving past today.
Learn something from everyone you meet.
There's no excuse not to dream.
Follow your instincts.
Listen to your heartbeat and dance.
You're allowed to do nothing.

Ok, I won't list them all since you would know how many I have eaten. I can only picture myself going off the road while trying to wink at someone I'm driving past, with them thinking I have something stuck in my eye. Yeah, there's a great romantic mental pic for you. LOLOL!

So, here are some things I have learned so far today:

1) Don't try to drive a headache away with chocolate. It makes the headache happy and comfortable, and it will never want to leave.
2) Headaches like caffeine. If you use caffeine with chocolate to get rid of a headache, they will really want to stay and never leave.
3) If you need advice, chocolate wrappers can offer good philosophical advice tidbits.
4) The more chocolate you eat, the better the advice you get.
5) Headaches make me and my writing more amusing to other people.
6) It is hard to concentrate on working when you are eating philosophical chocolate bits.
7) The bags of Dove Promises need to be made bigger. They disappear very quickly!!

That's all for now. Back to trying to work. LOL!

Gwen

Prepare yourself for this beautiful coastal scene...

These pictures were taken at the Falls Bridge in South Blue Hill, Maine on Monday (8/14/06). I have loved this place, and come for years to sit and watch the current from the bridge. I was first taken here by a boyfriend I had after High School. He lived within 5 minutes walking distance, and we would take his family dog, Rajaa the dalmatian, down here and play one the shore with her. He even spread the ashes of his beloved childhood dog here so she could always be here. I am in love with this place. It is one of the most magical places around. It is well known to kayakers for the current that goes under the bridge. The current actually goes in both directions, depending on if the tide is going in or out. For that reason it has been nicknamed the "Two Way bridge" or the Reversing falls bridge.

Gwen

Feeling so stupid...

I have been emailing a really nice older guy that I met through a yahoo group that I just joined. We have been emailing steady since Friday, and asking all kinds of questions about each other. I did a search on the internet for his screen name, and found a personals add he had with one of the dating websites, so I assumed that he was single. He seemed to really like me, and said that I was attractive and a sweetie. So, after deciding that I like this guy and would like to get to know him better, even if we just become friends, I sent him an email saying this. I received an email back from him saying that he was in a relationship, so we would have to just be friends. I had no idea that this was coming. I have no idea how to read men!!

I have been thinking quite a bit lately, and the idea of dating someone made me realize that I have feelings for a good friend of mine. I've been friends with him for a year, and have had a crush on him for that long. I just realized that I have more than a crush for him, and that no matter what happens with anyone else, my heart will always be with him. This makes me sad, since I have had no indications from him that he feels anything romantic for me, and I assume that he only wants to be friends. I don't want to mention it, since I don't want him to get the same look that every other guy I have professed my feelings for has. I can only describe it as a deer in the headlights look, and that ends the friendship right there. I would rather be friends with this guy than lose his friendship altogether! I don't think I've been all that subtle with him about how I feel, so I think he probably knows that I either have feelings, or that I did last year at this time. If he is anything like other men I've known, he's probably oblivious about how I feel.

I cried and cried last night. I feel like doing it again right here at work. Men are so frustrating and confusing. I wish it were as simple as it was in grade school when you gave the boy a note that said something like: "I like you. Do you like me?" and it had a box to check for yes and one for no. Ahh, if it were only that simple again.

Gwen

This is how I feel:

Hello,

I like you. Do you like me? Circle one.

Yes No

Gwen

nuff said?

was on-call for the domestic violence project all weekend. satellite dish was being installed by a very cute guy that my cats liked. when the time came for him to show us how it worked, i got a hotline call from a hyperventilating person. sigh. oh, well. another cute guy that my cats like will surely be delivered to my living room any day now. rrrrrrr. missed pagan pride day because of the shift, too.

so - here's me. nuff said?

(PS - the double rainbow was v. cool)

Feeling down again...

Ok, I've only been divorced for a little over a month. I've been in the process of divorce since April, so it's still not that long of a time to be out of a relationship. However, I'm feeling lonely and ucky about myself. I have a fear deep down that I won't find anyone else, and that I'll be alone for the rest of my life. I know that my fear is unfounded. I have even had a few guys email me out of the blue, and say how beautiful I am and how they want to get to know me. I have even been chatting with a nice guy from Maine that I really find interesting. I really shouldn't be feeling like this!! I should be feeling beautiful and sexy, not fat and alone! It doesn't help that the guy I really like and would like to be with is the kind of guy I'll never be able to have. I've been great friends with him, and he's pretty flirty (not to mention wonderful!). I just have been burned so many times when I like someone and they don't feel the same way. It's the story of my life! I don't even think he thinks of me that way. I don't want to mention it, since I don't want to push him away as a friend if he is not interested in being more than that with me. I like him too much as a friend to risk that. If he only wants to be friends, I am ok with that as long as I get to have him in my life. I think part of my down mood is from lack of sleep, and having my period. I have been feeling like this for a few days, so hopefully I'll start to feel better about myself and my situation soon!

Gwen

Rainbows

I was out with my bestest friend, Leslie, in bangor on Saturday. It was that kind of day where it would sprinkle, get sunny, and then sprinkle again. We were driving on the interstate and we saw a rainbow. We looked closer a minute later, and we saw a second rainbow over the first. I wish that I had my camera with me at the time! Dang! I have never seen a double rainbow in my life, so I feel blessed that I was able to see this. I was in a headached induced high rarely ever felt. I didn't feel high, but I was seeing colors very vibrantly, like you would IF you were actually high. It was so strange, and this is the first time I had ever had this happen to me. I felt silly and stupid as I was amazed at how red the red car was, and how brilliantly colored the flowers were.

Ok, this is not a pic of our rainbow, but I liked this rainbow pic from the internet.

Gwen

Men's Obsession...

What is the fascination with guys and porn? All guys watch it, and most guys won't admit that they like it to their girlfriend, wife, or girl they are trying to impress. Yet, as soon as you leave the house they go straight to the computer or videos to watch it for hours. Yes, the people are having sex on porn, that's what it is. No big deal! However, why do men lie about watching it and sneak around behind their significant other's backs to watch it?

The first guy I was in a long term relationship had porn. I knew that soon after we met. I thought that it was just a couple of videos, no big deal, we even watched some together. However, I was not at all prepared to find that he had been surfing the internet and watching porn behind my back. I also came across boxes and boxes of it in the closet of the apartment we shared together at the time. I also came home early one time and found him masturbating on the couch of our apartment to a video.

When I entered into a relationship with my now ex husband, I made it extremely clear that I do not tolerate porn, and it would either be porn or me, and explained my past experience. He said that he was shocked that my previous boyfriend would do that to me, and that he would never ever do that to me. Imagine my shocked surprise when my mom found that he had been downloading porn video clips from the internet, and then deleted them to the recycle bin on her computer, but neglected to empty the recycling bin. I was working about 10 minutes from where we lived with my mother, and was coming home every day for lunch. I was also 8 months pregnant at the time with his baby! He had started in right after my Mom left for work, and stopped 5 minutes before I was due to come home for lunch. Then he tried to deny it, like I was stupid!!!!! That was not the first time!!

My best friend went through the same thing with her now ex-husband. He would watch porn both on the computer and on TV, including PPV, which she found. He would sneak around behind her back and watch it. He even said that he did not find her body attractive. She was 8 months pregnant at the time, and thought he meant that she wasn't attractive when she was pregnant. He then dropped a bomb, and told her that he was bored with her body before she got pregnant. Now, I have always believed that my friend is gorgeous. She is a beautiful person inside and out, no matter what she weighs. Yet, she believed this jerk, and it devastated her.

Ok, I think that porn can be a useful tool between a loving couple if they desire to use it, or a way for an outlet for a single person who is not dating. However, sneaking around behind your significant other's back for this is simply unacceptable! Why do men feel that they need to deny that they are using it, yet still do it? Do they think we are stupid? Do they think we know nothing about finding it on computers and on PPV lists? One thing that this whole ordeal has taught me is how to find out when this is happening! I'm not naive or stupid, and don't like being treated as if I were!!

Gwen

the onion makes me cry

do not pause. do not breathe. do not visit the potty. go IMMEDIATELY to www.theonion.com. you may need to visit the potty afterwards.

peace, out!

Bad influence!

Leslie,

You are HILARIOUS!! I have realized that I am a bad influence on you, by starting you on the chocolate and fiery pickles, or chocolate and olives. LMAO! I'll have to try the hot chocolate and fire balls!! Too bad you don't have air conditioning in your building! That combination sounds like it would make you sweat!! LOL!

Gwen

hot chocolate

to all other folks who are stuck in a concrete office building, all summer, from dawn to dusk - I have just discovered that chocolate chip cookies and fireballs go really well together. it follows as per our discovery re: chocolate bars and tobasco pickles. just more of the intellectual depth of downeast. take that, MENSA!

Wednesday blahs!

Well, I sent out all of the bills I could today! Now I feel so poor! I hate this time of the month when I have to pay all of the bills at once. It's my fault, I should have sent some out last week when I got my paycheck! I have a couple more that could wait until next week when I get paid. I feel like I'm slipping behind on everything: Bills, housework, homework, stuff at work, etc. The housework keeps bugging me! No matter how much I do, there is always TONS more to do, and it never looks much better when I'm done. I spent a ton of time on Sunday cleaning my bedroom, and of course I should have focused on the main part of the house since everyone showed up that day! I was so embarrassed having everyone tour my house, and there is junk lying around in every room! I have set some stuff aside to try to sell on eBay, so hopefully I'll be able to get some stuff out of my house and make some extra money while I'm at it!! I'm considering selling my embroidery machine, since I don't use it much, and I put it on my credit card when I bought it, and now I'm thinking it would be nicer to have my credit cards paid down more than this embroidery machine sitting in my house! I love it, and I'm having a hard time making the decision to sell it. I know that I will have to sell it eventually to try to catch up on my credit card bills! Either that, or I could try to make stuff to sell on ebay. I've been saying that for months, but haven't gotten there yet. I'm sure I'll get there someday!! It's going to be hard, but I'm living on my own and supporting my son! I am getting child support, but I am due that much help from that sorry excuse I have of an ex husband!

Gwen

That a**hole!

I got a message from my ex husband last night that he may come up to see Azize soon since his girlfriend wants to see him. I am livid, since he has shown absolutely NO interest in his son up until now. Suddenly he wants to pretend that he is a great father to impress some woman he recently started screwing? I don't think so. I fired back a message to him that he is welcome to come, but she is not welcome anywhere near my son, so not to bring her. I am sticking to my guns. He must have just met this woman, since I talked with him a couple of weeks ago and he said that he wasn't seeing anyone. We had an agreement that we wouldn't date until our divorce was final, and that's only been a month at the most. My point is, he can't know too much about her yet. I think he's thinking with his dick and not with his brain, but does that surprise me? NO! We are divorced, so he can do what he pleases, but NOT AROUND MY SON!! I made a decision that if she comes anywhere near my son, she will be asked to leave, and if she doesn't, I'm calling the cops! I am not going to stop my ex from seeing his son, but it has to be when I'm there, he can't take him off by himself, and she's not going to be around my son. I am just so mad that he's pretending to be a dad just to impress some slut!! Not around MY SON!!

Gwen

Monday Again?

I can't complain about my weekend, it was pretty good! I got to spend Friday evening with Leslie, which is ALWAYS fun! We stayed up pretty late, and had a low energy fun time. Plus we discovered that where 1 hour on the treadmill is doable for some people, 1 hour and 6 minutes is enough to make walking impossible! It's good to know. As far as I've ever gotten is about 35 - 40 minutes before I am ready to jump off and scream bloody murder! If I ever get to the 1 hour point, I'll make sure to keep it under 1 hour 6 minutes! LOL!

On Sunday, I went out to a late breakfast with my other best friend, Sarah; her boyfriend, Peter; and her son, Tevin. After breakfast (which was at about 12:30pm) we went to Lamoine Beach, and Sarah kept Azize there for awhile while I had to go take care of my friend's animals, and then to my house to meet my dad so he can help me screw up my awful falling down ceiling. Not bad for a weekend, but it should have been longer. Monday came way too soon!!!!

Gwen

French Lesson...

My good friend, Peter, sent me this "french lesson" that he got from a nauty girl calendar that actually belongs to my best friend. (Where do I get a copy of that calendar, it sounds hilarious!) I thought these were so funny, that I couldn't NOT share. For those of you that don't know any french, I suggest you check out the translator located on Altavista.com. It will give you a choppy translation, but it will give you an idea of what it says. Ok, on to the french lesson...

Bonsoir monsieur. Etes-vous puceau?

eh bien, repete avec moi (pardon the lack of accents):

Est-ce une pomme frite dans votre poche, ou etes-vous heureux de me voir? (I hope you get to use that one! lol)

ou ... Excusez moi, mais ... ce vin va-t-il bien avec la sexe?

et finalment: Savez-vous nettoyez des taches de vinaigrette sur mes draps? Adieu

Thank you Peter for one of the best laughs I've had in a long time!
Gwen