I'm feeling good for a change...

I have been feeling very depressed for the last couple of weeks. Of course stress and harassment from my ex did not help how I was feeling. I am usually pretty confident about who I am, but lately I have been feeling very down on myself and very unattractive. No specific reason that I should because I got immediate attention from a few guys when they found out that I was single again. This should have made me feel good, but it didn't.

Part of it is that I am very self concious about my weight. I have gained about 30 pounds since my divorce, and about 50 pounds since the weight I lost when I came home from California in 2000. I've always been a little on the... how you say... Ample side. It's just getting to the point of being uncomfortable and causing hip/back pain. I needed to do something so I started weight watchers last week. In the past week I have lost 5 pounds, which is an accomplishment for me. I plan on keeping it up!! A good friend of mine gave me pointers on excercising, so I'm geared up and ready to go. I talked with a good friend last night that was going through personal problems and was feeling down. Now, for those of you that don't know me, I am a very nurturing person and I jump into action when either someone needs me or needs reassuring. I'm simply wired to nurture. Makes me a good Mom, which is something I'm proud of. We ended up talking off and on for hours, and I got to laugh which I haven't done in awhile. Thank you so much. It made quite a difference on me. I helped you, and you ended up helping me.

Thank you to all of my close friends that have listened to me bitch, cry, bash myself, made me apologize to myself, and have just been there for me when I needed you most. You know who you are. I love you all with my entire heart, and I could not have gotten this far without each of you! You have all touched my life and my life would not be the same without you.

Ok, that's all. Now I'm ready to cry again, but at least they're not depressed tears.

Gwen

16 years today...

I can't believe it's been 16 years to the day since we lost my cousin, Deena. Feels like I saw her only a few months ago. I will always love you with all my heart and miss you with all my being.

Oy, are we doing this again?

I do feel like a weight has been lifted off of me since I broke up with my boyfriend. It's not that I didn't care about him, because I did. It's not that I didn't try to make it work or that I wasn't happy because I did and I was. I'm just relieved to not have to deal with his insecurities and him getting upset every time I talk with another man (even just a friend) and him being jealous. I'll be so much better once he stops harrassing me because it's killing me. I do have some of his stuff at my house (that I haven't been to in a week), so I'm not going to file a PFA (protection from Abuse) until I return it to him. I don't want him to cause trouble saying I refuse to give him his stuff back when I just haven't had time. I've been busy taking care of my Mom and Gram after all in addition to dealing with him harassing me, so I don't have time to rush over and gather up his crap that he left around my house.

I am doing better today. I'm a little intimidated about thinking about dating again. Not that I'm going to rush into it or anything. I haven't had good luck with men in my life. The only good relationship I had was when I was 18, and that relationship died down to nothing so I left after 4 years. It's amazing how much of a different person I was then. I was downright scared to start dating again after my divorce, but I have had more experience with it since then. Not necessarily good experiences, but still more experiences. *sigh*

Gwen

Update

I'm on the verge of tears right now and I really don't know why. I did break up with my boyfriend that I've been with for almost 7 months last week. However, I didn't really feel sad from the breakup. I was the one that made the decision to end it because of his ongoing insecurity and the fact that he would get upset (and even accuse me of wanting to be with other people) if I even talked with a guy. I have a lot of male friends who are just friends, and it was getting old. He has been harrassing me, but I think he might have finally stopped which is a good thing.

I think I'm going through touch withdrawls. I miss feeling loved. I miss being held. I don't really miss my ex boyfriend much though. I've been feeling like a kid or a fool lately. I'm having one of those self doubting times that really hurt down to my core. If anyone knows how to hurt me, it would be me, right? Sometimes I have good self esteem, and sometimes I bonk myself down till there's not much left. Not sure why I do that, but not something I can stop myself from doing. *sigh*

I'm just hoping that everything will get better. Where is the sugar coated life I ordered?

Gwen

Will this ever get better?

I have had a very hard year so far, and it's only March. In January, I broke my wrist. I had to deal with loss of independence because I needed help with even the most simple things (like buttoning my pants or putting on underwear). I had an enormous amount of pain, but at least I'm through most of that. I'm still going to occupational therapy, but I've been told that I'm doing well.

Before Valentine's day, my step father died suddenly of cardiac arrest. He had been married to my mother for 16 years, and I considered him as much of a father and grandfather to my son as my biological father. It was very hard. I spent over a month staying with my mother so she wouldn't have to be alone.

I've been home for the last couple of weeks, and I've had to deal with a lot of stresses at home. I have a cat that is using my whole house as a bathroom so I feel like I can't get my house clean. I have a 4 year old child, so it's not wonderful when I'm "finding" new spots that the cat has used as a potty. My computer has recently died. Then my washing machine just went too. I'm a single mother, so I really don't have enough money for my bills, let alone to buy these things. I've been struggling to find money to heat my house, and pay the mortgage and car loan. There's not much else that gets paid.

My grandmother has recently started having trouble breathing. She went to the hospital and they drew off fluid from her lungs and didn't bother trying to find a reason why this was happening until it kept happening. They just did a scan, and found tumors in her lungs and lymph nodes. She has been a heavy smoker for many many years, and has only just recently quit. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what the tumors mean to my almost 80 year old failing grandmother.

When will all of this stress go away?!?

Today is five months.

Today is five months since I met John. We’ve had a lot of ups, downs, and hardships to deal with, but it has been wonderful. John was there for me when I broke my wrist and helping me with everything because I couldn’t do it myself. When he was over pretty much all you would hear is "Jooohhhnnn, help me!" from me and my son. Not only did he help me put on my clothes (against male nature to help put them on, honestly. hehe), shoveling my driveway, helping me take the trash to the dump, but he did it all with patience and love.

When I lost my father, he was there to comfort me and my mother. He spent extra time going to visit with me while I stayed at Mom’s, even though it was a place he wasn’t as comfortable being, and it took longer to get there. For the most part he was patient while I stayed with Mom while she was dealing with the loss of her husband.

I love this man, and I’m very happy! I’m looking forward to many more good times ahead.

Gwen

Quick update...

For those of you that don't already know... I fell on 1/12/08 while bowling (going after my son's gutter ball, and slipped on the lanes.) I fractured a bone in my wrist, and had to have surgery on 1/17. I'm doing ok, but still in a lot of pain. I have been mostly been sitting and keeping it elevated, since that is most comfortable.

I'm staying with Mom for awhile because I can't do that much on my own. Thank god for a Mom's love, or I'd be stuck in with my panties twisted up and no bra! LOL

While I'm at Mom's, I'm not near my beloved 'puter, and not checking email as often. I'll try to respond t each emails, but it's hard since I'm typing one handed. *hugs* to all my friends.

Gwen

YAY! We’re compatible!

Ok. By now, I know that John and I are compatible. I was talking with a friend about astrological compatibility, so I thought I'd check that too. Turns out, we're very compatible. Not all of this is true (Like Cancer taking the lead. Sorry John, but that's not really true. hehe)

This just affirmed what I knew all along. John and I are good together! I so happy!

Here's what the yahoo compatibility thingie said...


Gemini & Cancer..

When Gemini and Cancer come together in a love affair, it may be a rather curious relationship. Sensitive, emotional Cancer has trouble communicating clearly, but clear communication is what defines Gemini. Gemini's chivalrous nature and silver tongue may encourage the Crab to come out of its shell more quickly than usual; Cancer, in turn, can teach Gemini to slow down and appreciate the world, which the frenetic Twins hardly ever take time to do. If Gemini seems to ignore Cancer or doesn't provide them with as much reassurance and intimacy as Cancer needs, trouble may ensue. These two Signs approach the world in such different manners that they must be able to understand and accept one another's differences.

Cancer is the Sign of home and hearth, while Gemini is the thinker. Gemini can easily slip into the role of Cancer's knight in shining armor; Cancer returns that favor with their characteristic urge to protect the ones they love. Quality of home life is important to Cancer, and Gemini will be spoiled by their Cancer lover's hearty home cooking, soft bed and other creature comforts. Cancer is strongly intuitive and maintains an almost psychic connection with their loved ones, but can tend toward possessiveness and idealization of their Gemini partner. If Gemini just reassures Cancer that they're loved and cherished, all will go smoothly.

Gemini is ruled by the Planet Mercury (Communication) and Cancer is ruled by the Moon (Emotions). Cancer tends to keep their emotions bottled up inside as they have trouble expressing themselves. They envy Geminis their gift of open, clear communication afforded by the influence of Mercury. Gemini, in turn, can benefit from Cancer's intuitive approach, so different from Gemini's bubbly, surface nature; Cancer can teach Gemini to slow down and appreciate life instead of passing by the good things in their rush to get to the next new thing.

Gemini is an Air Sign and Cancer is a Water Sign. If these two Signs can work together they can be a great team; after all, the best decisions are made by incorporating the emotions and the intellect. The trouble for these two lies in learning to cooperate. They come from such opposite points of view that at times it can seem as if they simply have nothing in common. Deep, emotional Cancer can also sometimes dampen Gemini's airy enthusiasm, and light, fast-paced Gemini can leave Cancer feeling ruffled, even tattered. Balance can be achieved if they learn to talk openly with one another.

Gemini is a Mutable Sign and Cancer is a Cardinal Signs. Gemini is flexible, willing to go with the flow and follow another's lead; Cancer is an initiator and likes to provide that lead. Gemini may try to lead by being brave, even confrontational; for it to run smoothly between these two, they both need to learn when to back down and let the other lead the way.

What's the best aspect of the Gemini-Cancer relationship? Once they realize they're allies, they can soar to great heights together. Gemini is always thinking ahead and Cancer is quietly supporting these ideas behind the scenes. Each partner's ability to provide what the other is lacking makes theirs a fulfilling relationship.

It's all about the dot dot dot.

I met John about a month and a half ago. When I got his email (on myspace of course! LOL!), I immediately recognized his picture since I had previously checked out his profile. When you get to know someone new, you really don't know what to expect. I thought that it wouldn't hurt to talk with him and get to know him. I'm so glad that I did!

John is the sweetest and most caring person that I have ever met let alone been with. Just as one example, I had told him a couple of weeks ago that I would watch football with him IF he explains what happens in the game. Football is a big mystery to me and my eyes glaze over whenever someone talks about it because I have no idea what's going on. Well, we watched football together yesterday and he did explain how the game works, what was going on, and answered all of my questions. Not only that, but he asked me more than once if I wanted to watch something else. I was surprised that he even remembered what I had said, let alone explain everything to me.

Second example: Later on yesterday he asked me out of the blue if I was feeling ok. This surprised me since I didn't remember really complaining about how I was feeling for awhile. He said that he knew I was due to start my period and wanted to make sure that I was feeling ok and not feeling badly. I was very surprised to say the least. Noone other than my Mom has ever asked me that. It just amazed me that he cared enough to ask, or was even thinking about it.

He sends me little love notes almost every day. Oh, and there was one day that he was checking his email at my house, and he was writing an email and he always puts three dots between sentences. He said "It's all about the dot dot dot." Don't know why, but that was the cutest thing ever. What can I say, he is the most wonderful person that I have ever met. I'm so lucky that he found me. 47 days of happiness and counting...
Gwen

For Hbiba - written 11/13/2007

On delicate wings of pastel pink and blue
My darling angel floats gently to heaven
The ache in my heart has yet to dull
It has turned into my constant dreary companion
I had you with me only a few short weeks
My arms still ache to hold and cradle you
Yet all I have is a tattered photo,
Wings of butterflies, and a broken heart.

~Gwen

We love and miss you my darling. You will always be in our hearts. - Love Mommy and Zizie

A True Boyfriend Would...

I've seen this before, but thought it was so wonderful that I'd post it. It makes me realize how lucky I really am. Thank you J-Are! Ok - stop rolling your eyes now everyone!


What a real man would do....

• Grab her neck when you kiss her, it's a real turn on. Not her butt/boobs.

• Stay on the phone with her even if shes not saying anything.

• When she's mad hug her tight and don't let go then kiss her

• When she says she's ok dont believe it talk with her

• Never cheat on her because 10 yrs later she'll remember you

• Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her

• Call her before you sleep and after you wake up

• Treat her like a person and not something to show off for

• Tease her and let her tease you back.

• Stay up all night with her when she's sick.

• Watch her favorite movie with her.

• TRUST HER WITH HER GUY FRIENDS!!!!!!

• Let her wear your clothes.

• When she's bored and sad, hang out with her.

• Let her know she's important.

• Kiss her in the pouring rain.

• When she runs up at you crying, the first thing you say is;"Who's ass am I kicking ?


"If you do post this in the next four minutes the one you love will :

•Call you.
•Kiss you.
•Love you.
•Text you.

Guys post as: "I'd be this boyfriend."
Girls post as: "A true boyfriend

Unexpected

If you know me, you will know that I have not had the best luck in relationships lately. It's not meeting guys that's the problem. I have guys lining up at my proverbial door waiting to meet me. Weirdest feeling since I didn't have this kind of luck before I got married. The problem has been meeting someone that I am compatible with, and someone who is not out to take advantage of me. I've been looking for a genuinely caring, kind, compassionate person that will love me truly for who I am, not who I have or what I can do for them.

I'll admit, I'm a bit jaded after so many failed relationships. I've been hurt countless times. I was beginning to think that love didn't exist at all, but it was an illusion to aid guys in taking advantage of poor naiive saps like me. It's bait and switch. Society pounds into us that love should be like a fairytale. We're searching for that "true love" based on an illusion that doesn't exist. This is just a bit of background to show you that I am jaded. haha

I started talking with JR about a week and a half ago. He emailed me from Myspace, and I thought "What the heck, I'll talk with him". What did I have to lose, right? Well, this guy is very kind, gentle, caring, sweet, and considerate... We can talk for hours on the phone, and feel like it's only been 30 minutes. One night we had been talking for almost 3 1/2 hours, and when it came time to hang up I mentioned that I didn't want to get off the phone. He said that he didn't either. On our first date, He gave me a hug but not a kiss. When I asked him about it later, he said he didn't want to rush me. Hear that? Sound of my heart melting. lol

I've been thinking about it recently. It's been a LONG time since I've been cuddled and kissed without the guy doing it just to get laid. Never for the sake of just cuddling and kissing. It's been well over a decade. It was very nice to cuddle and kiss for hours. It made me feel very special and cared for. I'm happy.

Gwen

Mal de la coeur

The worst part about being single is not having anyone there anytime you need to be loved. I have this yearning to be held, to be kissed, and to be loved. Now I'm usually fine being single. I'm not the kind of person who needs a relationship to be happy, and I'm usually equally happy being single as I am in a relationship. I have wonderful friends, family and people that I love dearly. But what do you do when you need to be loved?

Most guys I have met lately just want to get laid and that's it. They're interested in starting up a sexual fling, but that's not what I'm looking for now. I literally got 5+ emails yesterday alone from guys saying I was beautiful and wanting to get to know me or wanting to be "friends". Yes, I am a sexual person and I do believe that sex is a very important part of a relationship. Heck, it can be a great part of a friendship. But are there any guys out there that want romance in addition to just sex? Are there any guys that would be there when I need a hug, when I want to talk about something that I find interesting, or when I want someone to cuddle up and watch a movie with? Oh Goddess, where is that guy or girl?

Gwen

Update again

I wanted to give a short update to everyone. When you think things are just too good to be true, they usually are. The guy that was such a great guy and so awesome? Not only was he using me for my money (always promised to pay me back once he got his first paycheck), but I found out he was coming onto tons of women on Myspace behind my back telling them that he had broken up with his girlfriend WHILE he was living with me and making purchases on my debit card I didn't authorize. What a scum!! I'm so glad that I kicked him out, and I'm not looking back. Why do guys feel that they can use, abuse, lie and sneak around behind your back? Why can't I just get someone who will love me for me?

Update

Since my friends are all over and spread out now, I thought I would give an update this way. This has been a wonderful week for me and I am floating on the clouds. I got an email from this guy that happened to be from the same area I live in wanting to get to know me. We exchanged a few emails back and forth through Myspace of all places. lol! My first thought was that he was hot and wondering if it was some kind of scam or what he was looking for but I agreed to meet with him at a local bar for karaoke night that night.

I had no idea what time to meet him so I showed up at about 9:30, and sat there and sat there, and sat there. I felt this dread as I sat there alone (well not totally alone, I was getting hit on by a gross redneck drunk) that he wasn't coming. When I was about to give up I looked up and saw this very handsome guy on the other side of the bar and I knew it was him. He (eventually) came over and asked who I was meeting. We talked and immediately hit it off. He has just swept me off my feet in such a short time.

This guy is just awesome! He is everything that I have wanted, and not to mention that he thinks that I'M awesome! My mom and step-dad even like him! I'm so happy!

Gwen

Update

Hi! I haven't updated in awhile, so I wanted to let everyone know what's going on. I've been going through a lot lately, so I've been pretty quiet. I feel like I've got too much going on, and a lot of changes have been made.

First, David and I broke up awhile ago. I can't say that I'm shocked, but I was surprised. It seemed to come out of the blue for me. We did do the on again-off again thing a couple of times. Lately it just hadn't been going very well, but it still was a surprise. I miss him and still care about him, but hopefully he'll be happier this way. The worst part of it was that the day (less than 24 hours) after we broke up, I went up to see him and walked in on him chatting with another woman. That made me feel upset and disposable, and that I didn't matter to him or that I wasted the last 7 months. I still don't know how I feel about all of this. I keep going between depressed, confused, angry, and there are times it doesn't seem to bother me.

I have taken myself out of classes and told them that I would not be returning. I don't have enough time, energy or sanity left to do everything. Something had to give. In this case, it was either have a break down or withdraw from school. I guess I made the best choice. Maybe I'll go back again in the fall to a local school, but at this point I'm not sure. I just don't have enough time for myself or for Azize.

Money has been a huge issue for me lately. I seem to have more bills than money. I'm so frustrated lately, since I am paying all of my money to bills, and I'm still falling way behind. Things are normally ok, but I got behind awhile ago and I'm just falling further behind. It is causing me so much stress, and even thinking of money makes me want to cry and then kick my ex for not paying the amount of child support that I was awarded. I don't know what to do.

On a positive note, I don't think I mentioned that I've made a new friend. Holly is very cool, and I've really enjoyed talking with her and spending time with her. Not to mention, she got me hooked on World of Warcraft, so I'm spending a lot of time lately playing that. It's one of the only stress relievers I have right now, so I feel better after I play. Anyway, Holly is awesome!

I think that sums up most of what's going on. That's what I want to share, anyway. lol!

~Gwen~

Eeeekkkk!

It's really been a month since I blogged? That's shameful!!! Hmm, not much has happened that is out of the ordinary. I've been working, doing school work, being a single mom and trying to have a social life. So, really not much new here. My son, Zizie, will be 4 years old on Monday!!! YIKES! Do I feel old. :) In some ways it feels like he was born a couple of months ago instead of a few years ago. In other ways, it feels like I've always had him in my life.

We recently went to Searsport with my best friend Leslie and her Mom. Searsport is about 20 minutes or so from the town I live in. We had a great time - we went to flea markets, to the maritime museum and out to eat. Leslie also got some great pictures of Zizie.

Finally - The truth!!!

Tut Tut it looks like rain

"Christopher Robin!" he said in a loud whisper.
"Hallo!"
"I think the bees suspect something!"
"What sort of thing?"
"I don't know. But something tells me that they're suspicious!"
"Perhaps they think that you're after their honey?"
"It may be that. You never can tell with bees."
There was another little silence, and then he called down to you again.
"Christopher Robin!"
"Yes?"
"Have you an umbrella in your house?"
"I think so."
"I wish you would bring it out here, and walk up and down with it, and look up at me every now and then, and say 'Tut-tut, it looks like rain.' I think, if you did that, it would help the deception which we are practicing on these bees."


Ok, I went outside and thought to myself "It looks like rain". Then of course, being a HUGE Winnie the Pooh fan, I thought of the Little Black Raincloud story. Not only did I think of it, I heard it in my head as Michael (ex-boyfriend for those of you who don't know) used to read it to me. He used to read Winnie the Pooh stories to me until I fell asleep, and he even did cute voices for all of the characters. It's amazing how my mind works. It made me smile and remember great memories. :o)

Gwen

15 years

Yesterday was exactly 15 years since my cousin Deena died in a car accident. We spent what ended up being her last day together. We went to Alamoosic lake and swam. We spent hours doing that and driving around. We then went back to her house and baked a cake for our grandmother, who's birthday was the day before. After we spent the day together, she dropped me off at home, and headed out to Blue Hill to meet friends. On her way, she ended up rolling her car, and she never made it.

Yesterday was a very hard day for me. She was my best friend and the person I looked up to the most. I loved her so much, and loved spending time with her. After I heard the news of her death that day, I felt like I had died too. It changed me forever. That day was the start of my battle with depression.

I bought a bleeding heart yesterday, which seemed fitting. The last time I bought one was with my Mom for my aunt after Deena died. It seems fitting to me that this should be the flower that reminds me of Deena and her death. I still get the feeling that she's with me from time to time. As a wiccan I believe that it is because she is. Sometimes I get an overwhelming feeling that she's standing behind me, and I know without a doubt that it's her. She is always behind me, maybe she's letting me know that she's watching over me (She's "got my back").

Deena, you are very much loved and missed by all of us!!! Fifteen years seems like a lifetime!!

Gwen