Questions

What do you say when people ask you why you're following a vegan diet? I have only been following a vegan diet for a couple of days, and already there have been questions. Well, in all fairness people also asked me why I chose not to eat meat before now. Questions like:

Why would you do that. (Emphasis on the words WHY and THAT).
Are you trying to lose weight?
Why cut out dairy, eggs, etc?
Did you make the change for any particular reason, or do you not like meat?
Is it just for a little while or permanent? Are you going back to eating meat, etc?

Now I know these people are just being curious and maybe have good intentions. But I also know they don't really want to hear all about how eating living creatures is wrong or bad for you. They probably won't or can't even fully understand why someone would choose to eat such a restricted diet.

Now, let me address these questions:

Why would you do that? Well, I love animals and don't want to kill them in order to eat. I was a vegetarian about 10 years ago but wasn't going about it in the right way. When I got pregnant with my son I thought I wouldnt have enough nutrition if I stayed a vegetarian. I decided to become a vegetarian again more recently. But, when someone asked I hear myself saying "Because I want to."

My best friend and I have been dabbling with vegan recipes, which were amazingly good and made me feel good. I also watched "Forks over Knives", started reading about veganism, and felt myself drawn to the plant based diet. I decided to try it for 30 days to see how I like it. So far so good!

Are you trying to lose weight? This is pretty insulting if you think about it. That is the first thing that people usually jump to as a reason why you would change your eating habits. When they are asking if I'm trying to lose weight, they're really saying that I need to lose weight because I'm a fat slob. But in a nice, wrap it up in a bow kind of way. I'm happy with myself. If I lose weight, that's good. If not, that's good too.

Why cut out dairy, eggs, etc? Ok, I know that PETA has some pretty radical activist sides, but seriously, have you seen the living conditions that the animals that they raise to produce these products? People think they're on a farm being happy and producing products for our consumption because they love us. Or maybe a dairy and egg fairy makes it? Go to PETA's website, and look for the Starter Guide, and read the "Meet your Meat". Wow! Also, while you're at it, watch Forks over knives. It freakin opened my eyes.

Did you make the change for any particular reason, or do you not like meat? Well, I do like some meats. They're yummy. But an innocent animal had to die for me to eat that food. It's not THAT good. Try a vegan recipe by Isa Chandra Moskowitz (www.theppk.com) or from Peas and Thank You, and tell me that's not good too! Nothing with a face had to die there.

Is it just for a little while or permanent? Are you going back to eating meat, etc? I don't see myself going back to eating meat, but I did before so anything is possible. I'm pretty darn happy with the decision to become a vegetarian, so at this point I'm saying no. I did have one steak on my anniversary, but you know, it wasn't as good as I thought it would be. Meh. It's easy and good, but just means a little more forethought and preparation. That, and having a good coop that produces yummy vegetarian options is nice!

I still don't know about veganism. I committed to trying it for 30 days with the idea that if it fits well, I'd make it a permanent choice. If I spend more time cooking and planning, it's great. When I'm hungry and searching for something that doesn't have meat, dairy, eggs, gelatin, etc in it, it's not so easy. I'm thinking about what I'm eating a lot more, and I'm feeling good about it. We'll see how that goes!

Oy Vay!

I signed a 30-day vegan challenge yesterday, and decided to try a vegan diet. A couple of months ago I decided to become a vegetarian again, and had been reading and playing around with more vegan recipes, so I decided that I would like to try. I really started on Tuesday, but I’m not going to count it because I ate a lunch with cheese and sour cream that day so it wasn’t truly vegan. Yesterday went really easily. I had leftovers of the lasagna rolls that I made –recipe from the Vegan Zombie. It’s awesome! www.veganzombie.com.

Now today is another story all together. It’s more challenging. I didn’t have much time for breakfast, so decided to grab a fruit and maple oatmeal at McDonalds, and an orange juice. I thought I was doing really well until I later looked up the ingredients and found that there’s milk in the oatmeal.Where they put it, who the heck knows, but it’s there. Well, no biggie. Now I know. I had a cup of instant miso soup mix that I keep in my desk and had the last leftover lasagna roll for lunch. Then the shakiness started, as it sometimes does when my body decides I haven’t eaten enough.

So I headed to the grocery store cruising for something sweet to stop the low blood sugar shakes. It took me about 20 minutes to find chocolate that didn’t have milk or gelatin in it. I then grabbed some chips and soda. What can I say, I was shaking. Very disappointing that I have no trouble finding chips and soda that’s vegan. Even bacon bits are vegan. But I barely can find chocolate that doesn’t have milkfat, butterfat, gelatin or anything else. Very frustrating.

This is just a learning curve for me. I had never realized just how much stuff has some kind of animal products in them that you would not expect. I’m sure it’ll get easier with practice. I’m just not going to give up or beat myself up for not being 100% strictly vegan. I’m trying, and that’s what counts!

Zero Waste, errrrr, um, Low Waste, errrr Oh Heck!

A few weeks ago I was going through the stories on Yahoo after I logged out from checking my email, and found a video on a family who lives a Zero Waste Lifestyle. I was immediately attracted to it, but thought that I couldn't do that! This family lives a minimalistic lifestype in addition to being zero waste, and their house is all sleekly designed and uber sexy! Check out her blog:

http://www.zerowastehome.blogspot.com/

The more I read her blog, the more I realized that I could do this. Or at least I could try to use some of her suggestions to reduce the amount of waste that we produce even if I don't end up going "Zero Waste". Then I look around my house and am brought back to reality. I'm almost to the border of hoarderville (Also known as overtired, overworked, and overwhelmed mom-ville) I have so much stuff. My mom used to say that I just needed to organize the stuff better because I don't have closets! Well, I need to get rid of a lot of stuff first, and yes, then organize. And get rid of the dang pet smells! Oy!

So, fast forward to today. It's a work day, and it happens to be pouring out! My sweatshirt is in my car so I have to walk from the building to my car and get cold and wet at the start of my lunch break. My car is out of gas, so I went to the gas pumps and have to wait for some older lady who's not pumping but is sitting there and doing who knows what. Finally get to the pump, and swipe, Grrrr. Swipe, grrrr. Oh dangit! My card doesn't want to work. I remembered the magnet thing I had in my purse a few days ago and hoped my card isn't demagnetized. I get back in my car and go up to the store and decide that I am going to be picking up a couple of things, and I can just get cash back and then use cash at the pumps.

So, I decide I need cans of dog and catfood to medicate my pets later (sneakily disguised in the canned food), a lean cuisine meal for lunch, and then grabbed a bag of catfood. I'm dropping the cans, and suddenly I have catfood going down in my cleavage. D'OH! I realize that there's a cut in the side of the bag, but only after there's catfood, cans, and lean cuisine dropping everywhere! I grabbed a bag I thought was fine, and headed for the register. When I got there, I found a small cut in the bottom which the cashier fixed with a paid sticker. So I was distracted and frazzled. Then I realize that she had bagged in plastic cause I hadn't given her the cloth bag I had brought. I felt awful that I failed in my attempts to reduce waste - canned goods, lots of packaging, and a plastic bag!

Then ended up tramping around the parking lot trying to remember where I parked. Geesh! Let me say it again, it was RAINING! I was quite WET! I keep telling myself that I shouldn't be so discouraged. It takes time and effort to change your lifestyle! Noone can do it over night and expect it to be easy! *sigh* But at least I have me some diet pepsi!

Oy with the blogging and the kvetching

Bad blogger! Bad! Bad! I haven't blogged in, say, almost 2 years. Oops. I'd like to say that not much has happened. Well, there's been a divorce for a marriage that lasted about 5 minutes (not a huge exaggeration at all). He was crazy and didn't disclose this information early on. But hey, fajitas are too technical for him to figure out, so that should have been my first clue...

Then there was a handfasting, and a year later a wedding on Samhain. Everything's wonderful except for the crazy ex wife. Exaggerating again, you say? Well, you haven't met her. Jerry Springer would be seeing dollar signs and ratings increase if he 1) still had a show, and 2) had her on the show. Wow, she's a peach, and so is carving out my heart with a rusty spoon! Why a rusty spoon? Because it would hurt more! (Shameless Robin Hood reference)

Um, what else. We adopted Aurora, and she's sweet but it's been an adjustment period. Also brought home a cat for Zizie. Well, now he's decided that he's MY cat, not Zizie's. I've renamed him the tornado because he streaks around leaving the place a disaster area. The main redeeming quality is when I sit down for tv after Z goes to bed, I have a cuddly black shawl around my neck. A shawl that demands attention, purrs, leaves me with a mouthful of black hair, and gets offended if I shift on the couch.

Ohh, compost worms! I almost forgot! I got a call from my mail lady while I was driving to work this morning asking what I wanted her to do with my worms. Apparently they were wriggling out of the box. They all had been trying to surmise at the post office what in the world I ordered worms for. They guessed to feed a bird. Well, there are 1,000 worms in there. I'd hate to see THAT bird! Nope, they're for composting! What other woman do you know that voluntarily will have worms in the house! Oh goddess, I hope Warrick didn't strew the worms around the house while I was gone! Eeew!

On the plus side, it's Friday! As long as my kitchen isn't wiggling when I get home, life should be good until Sunday evening! Then Monday, oh no, not that 6 letter dirty word!

Equality

We have been fighting for Equality since this country was founded. Sadly enough, we are still fighting. The Declaration of Independence states "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." Of course, once the declaration was adopted, it was then interpreted to mean "All White Men, but not African Americans, Women, or anyone else". We have had to fight to free slaves, women's equality and the right to vote. We have dealt with Segregation, and now we are fighting to give Same Sex couples the right to marry.

The idea of marriage equality seems to threaten the more conservative people. Maybe people that are threatened by this feel that their own marriage will be invalidated if same sex couples are allowed to marry. I don't understand this at all. People in committed relationships should be allowed the same rights by Marriage regardless of gender, or whether it is a heterosexual or homosexual couple. It's not our place to tell someone they can't get married just because they are of the same gender!!

I'm proud to be a Mainer. The Maine State Senate has just approved legalizing Same Sex Marriages by an overwhelming vote of 21-13 in favor. It just sits awaiting approval from the Govenor. Make History Govenor Baldacci! Approve it!

My Gram was an amazing woman. She was full of fire, and was the epitome of a yankee woman. As I got older, I realized just how much we were alike. I thank the goddess every day for that. I learned from the best. She was my hero and personal role model. I can only hope that I am like her.

My Gram was an outspoken woman, who fiercely protected those that she loved to the end. Even when she was nearly 80, weak from chemotherapy and barely able to walk she managed to threaten to kick the ass (her word, not mine) of someone that was harassing me. She was the type of person who told you what she felt and thought, no matter if it would hurt feelings or step on toes.

She shattered the stereotypes for women at the time. In a time when women were stay at home wives and mothers (or trying to become them if they weren’t already), she worked on a tractor in the field. When she did marry and have children, she could not be forced to stay in an abusive and unhappy marriage in a time that divorce was virtually unthinkable. She smoked, she drank, and she swore. She wore men’s jeans, hair cut short and curled, and above all else, she was herself. Not what people wanted her to be, or what society wanted her to be, but herself.

She was bisexual (I’m assuming bisexual instead of lesbian because she had been married), and lived with her partner despite what I’m sure people said about her behind her back. I grew up essentially with two grandmothers – Gram and Bobbie. I didn’t know there was anything out of the ordinary there, and there was nothing wrong with that situation. They loved each other and wanted to be together. I loved Bobbie dearly. Bobbie was a part of the family, and we mourned when she passed on. My Gram mourned Bobbie’s death for the rest of her life. If that’s not love and devotion, I don’t know what is.

My gram was also a spiritualist and was interested in mediums, contacting spirits of those who are passed, etc. She and Bobbie had attended a spiritualist church. When I learned this a few years ago, I knew there was more of a connection between her and I than I had realized up to that point. We had similar outlooks on this matter, and similar interests and beliefs.

I am thankful for the time that I got to spend with her before she died. I got to take care of her every day for three months while we all stayed with Mom. I got to show her how much I loved her by caring for her and spending time with her. I will never regret that, and will always cherish that time.

It’s been almost a year since my gram passed onto the summerland. I was thinking of her this morning on my way to work, and called out to her and told her how I missed her. She came to comfort me right then, and surrounded me with love and reminded me that she is always with me. I could not stop the tears that fell onto my cheeks, just as I can’t stop them now.

Gwen

I…

Am maker of bad decisions.

Am hurter of those I love.

Am in so much pain I cannot breathe.

Am reason for my own pain.

Am feeling like I am dying.

And I …

Am wishing for a way to go back in time one year to make the right decision. To make things right, and to not hurt someone I care about very deeply.
Gwen

Yesterday

Yesterday, I did a very scary thing. I don’t know why I was so scared, I didn’t expect anything and I didn’t expect him to hurt me. Yet, my heart almost stopped yesterday. Suddenly I was back in high school, confessing my feelings and getting laughed at all over again. Or I was getting the “Thank you” and “we can still be friends” answer yet again. At least I was expecting that.

In my previous post, I mentioned that I had feelings for someone for the last year. I have tried to hide it, tried to stop feeling that way, and nothing has worked. It’s not a feeling I get while I’m lonely or single. These feelings are ones that I have all the time. Sometimes I am able to repress them more than others, and sometimes they come to the surface and are more painful. I have convinced myself that the feelings are unreturned, and since he’s 850 +/- miles away, it would never happen. But these feelings won’t go away, and I just can’t hide them. Not from him. He knows me far too well and I’ve found myself trying to hide my feelings, which usually means I start acting weird.

I was talking with a friend while playing World of Warcraft. I have known her for the last year and a half. She was one of my first friends on the game, and I think the world of her. Somehow we got talking about him, and I told her how I feel about him, how I have felt since I met him. She said that I had to talk about it with him. She said that a while ago he had a crush on me, and may still. So, I sat down, crying and scared, to write the email. Before I could stop myself, I hit send.

When I saw him on World of Warcraft that night, I mentioned that I had sent him an email. My heart was pounding and I felt like I was going to pass out while he read it. He didn’t respond. When I asked, he said that he already knew that I had feelings for him (which is right, I had told him in the past that I was developing feelings for him), and he was confused as to what I wanted to know. I told him that I wanted to know how he feels. He said that he was not sure how to explain, and that he was getting ready for work. I didn’t get an answer out of him, and now I’m confused too.

I’ve been expecting him to say he doesn’t return my feelings. I told him this, and said that no matter what he tells me it will not hurt me. I just want to know. Maybe if I know, I can put all of this behind me. Somehow I don’t believe I can stop loving him, but at least I will know where things stand.

Gwen

Moving Forward

As you may (or may not, not sure what I have written), but I married Justin on November 16, 2008. Things were wonderful then, we were happy and in love. Then something happened. We were distant, fighting, unhappy, and he did not seem like the same person I had fallen in love with. Last week, we decided to get divorced and he moved out. Of course, I had gotten used to having him there, in my life, and I love him so it was an adjustment to know that he was gone.

I'm filling out divorce papers. It seems surreal.

I have come to realize that I am certifiably a serial-unrequited love person. I do it to myself, and I’m relentless. Is it some kind of torture device that I use on myself? Well, it works. I realized a couple of months ago that I have always been driven by the need to be loved as I was reading the diary I wrote in High School. I went on and on about my feelings for guys that barely noticed my existence. I was lovesick, depressed, and I did it all to myself. I’ve gone from relationship to relationship and have not found what I am looking for. What AM I looking for? Am I looking for the happily ever after fairytale that we are taught about as kids? I’m starting to believe that love does not exist in the way that I am looking for.

Instead, I’ve found people who say they love me who take advantage of me. I’m a giving person. The people I always end up with are takers, and I give and give and do not get the same care back. I get the people who treat me like I am expected to give them everything they feel that they are entitled to receive, and they cannot be bothered to give me anything but token gestures of affection to keep me doing it. When I do find someone who is not a serial-taker, he is needy and insecure. Wanting to spend every possible hour he can with me, and whining because I wanted to go out with a friend or see my family and I wouldn’t be spending the night with him. He accused me of cheating on him with every man that I remotely spoke with, and then threatened me when I tried to end things. Issues! Man has issues!!

The truth is that I cannot say that what I am looking for does not exist. I know for a fact that he DOES exist. I have seen him with my very own eyes, and we have been friends for a year and a half. I will call him Billy…because that is his name. (For those of you that don’t know, *reference to Bridget Jones*) So, what is the problem you ask? Well, apart from the fact that he lives over 850 miles away from me? Well, I’ve been caught in this unrequited love thing with him for the last year and a half. I’ve been his shoulder to cry on through his breakup with his long time girlfriend that he is very much still in love with and cannot get over. I’ve been there as a friend, and providing emotional support while he suffers in his own unrequited love to her. All the while I’ve loved him and tried very hard to suppress my feelings. Sometimes it works (kinda), and other times my feelings come to the surface more than others. We’ve kinda danced around some kind of a kind of mutual attraction, and I have confessed my feelings to him in the past. Yet nothing will come of it, as nothing ever comes from unrequited love situations, at least not anything good anyway.

Last night I was talking with him, ended up feeling kind of embarrassed after talking with him because I let some of my affection show through while talking with him. When that happens, I always act kind of weird and he knows it. The more I try to hide it, the weirder I act. After I talked with him, I went out to clear snow from the driveway and I cried the whole time. Not because I was embarrassed or upset about the situation, but because I feel so stupid. I’m 30 for goddess sake!! I shouldn’t be acting like a lovesick teenager. I’ve had 2 failed marriages now, a few very bad mistakes, and countless failed relationships. I’ve come to realize that what I want is out there, just not for me. I concede.

Gwen

It's a Boy!!

Justin and I recently went through the process of getting a greyhound through the Maine Greyhound Placement in Augusta, Maine. Greyhounds were the first type of dog that we had talked about that we both agreed on. I have been around greyhounds because my best friend, Leslie has had two. In my opinion, Greyhounds are the sweetest, most gentle creatures, so I was excited to get one.

First we did a phone "interview" with Mary. Justin talked for 45 minutes before we would even were able to set up a time to come down. We had to take all three of my cats to the vet to get updated on their shots, which was an adventure. I could not find my cat carriers, so we found one in the basement that was a larger carrier that we put all three cats into. Whitey went to the bathroom in the crate and all three were covered in it by the time we got to the vet.

We looked at the listings of greyhounds on Petfinder.com. Of course, we loved all of them, so it was hard to choose. Mac's Warrick caught our eye, so of course wanted to see him. I think Justin actually had his heart set on Warrick, but we both went into this with an open mind and open heart.



Then it came time to go down to the placement. We were excited, nervous, and anxious as we drove down. When we got there we watched a video about caring for the greyhounds, which I had seen before when I went with Leslie but it was a nice refresher. We listened to Scott's advice about greyhounds, and then came time to walk doggies. First, we saw Walter. He was a sweetie, but he was very rambunctious and pulled very heavily on the leash. Then we saw Warrick, who seemed very indifferent and quiet. We weren't sure. We ended up seeing three more dogs, not counting Stan, the cute dog that Scott brought out, but did not make it past the test cat without trying to get him. Since we have three cats, he wasn't the one for us.

We were there for three hours, and had not found the dog for us yet. We asked to see Warrick again. When I came back from next door where we went to the bathroom, Warrick met me at the door with a kiss. I was sold. We ended up bringing him home.

When we got him home, we gave him the toys that we had bought him. He loved the Santa plushie toy the best, and it still seems to be his favorite. The first night was hard, since he woke up a few times during the night.

I knew it!

Ok, I read this somewhere and just had to copy it and post it here because it is one more thing *snipped to remove soon to be ex husband reference*

When a guy misses you

Guy Facts:

When a guy calls you,

he wants to be with you

When a guy is quiet,

He's listening to you...

When a guy is not arguing,

He realizes he's wrong

When a guy says, "I'm fine." after a few minutes

he means it

When a guy stares at you,

he wishes you would care about him

and wonders if you do

When your laying your head on a guy's chest,

he has the world

When a guy calls/texts/comments you everyday,

he is in love

When a (good) guy tells you he loves you,

he means it

When a guy says he can't live without you,

he's with you til your done

When a guy says, "I miss you,"

he misses you more than you could have

ever missed him or anything else

An update, it's been awhile...

I have been dating someone new. It's someone that I've known casually online in one of my yahoo groups for a few months, and have talked to online every so often, both on group and off. I kept an eye on the fact that he had been quiet online and his myspace status updates did not sound like things were going well for him so I would send him a note each time he made an update just to see how he was doing. Well, after I broke up with John, he did the same to me and kept an eye on me to see how I was doing. We ended up talking every day first through email then through messenger, then online. When I met him in person I was amazed how much I had in common with him, and by how attracted I was to him from the very beginning.

It's been 3 weeks since we met, and being with him feels just wonderful. We are so alike it's amazing, and in the few ways that we're not alike we compliment each other perfectly. There is also this amazing energy between us that I feel when I even stand next to him even if I don't touch him. It feels like we've known each other our whole lives but it still has the wonderful exciting new feeling. He amazes me by the way he is so supportive and there for me when I need him. He hurts when I hurt. He simply amazes me. John is still harassing me. It's been a month or more, and he is NOT going away! I'm so fed up with this selfish behavior. He still has pics of me and my son on his myspace, which I hate. I don't want to talk with him because that makes him harass me even more, but I have to find a way to get the pictures removed.

Oh, that's sucky that I ended on such a negative note. :o(

Gwen

I'm feeling good for a change...

I have been feeling very depressed for the last couple of weeks. Of course stress and harassment from my ex did not help how I was feeling. I am usually pretty confident about who I am, but lately I have been feeling very down on myself and very unattractive. No specific reason that I should because I got immediate attention from a few guys when they found out that I was single again. This should have made me feel good, but it didn't.

Part of it is that I am very self concious about my weight. I have gained about 30 pounds since my divorce, and about 50 pounds since the weight I lost when I came home from California in 2000. I've always been a little on the... how you say... Ample side. It's just getting to the point of being uncomfortable and causing hip/back pain. I needed to do something so I started weight watchers last week. In the past week I have lost 5 pounds, which is an accomplishment for me. I plan on keeping it up!! A good friend of mine gave me pointers on excercising, so I'm geared up and ready to go. I talked with a good friend last night that was going through personal problems and was feeling down. Now, for those of you that don't know me, I am a very nurturing person and I jump into action when either someone needs me or needs reassuring. I'm simply wired to nurture. Makes me a good Mom, which is something I'm proud of. We ended up talking off and on for hours, and I got to laugh which I haven't done in awhile. Thank you so much. It made quite a difference on me. I helped you, and you ended up helping me.

Thank you to all of my close friends that have listened to me bitch, cry, bash myself, made me apologize to myself, and have just been there for me when I needed you most. You know who you are. I love you all with my entire heart, and I could not have gotten this far without each of you! You have all touched my life and my life would not be the same without you.

Ok, that's all. Now I'm ready to cry again, but at least they're not depressed tears.

Gwen

16 years today...

I can't believe it's been 16 years to the day since we lost my cousin, Deena. Feels like I saw her only a few months ago. I will always love you with all my heart and miss you with all my being.

Oy, are we doing this again?

I do feel like a weight has been lifted off of me since I broke up with my boyfriend. It's not that I didn't care about him, because I did. It's not that I didn't try to make it work or that I wasn't happy because I did and I was. I'm just relieved to not have to deal with his insecurities and him getting upset every time I talk with another man (even just a friend) and him being jealous. I'll be so much better once he stops harrassing me because it's killing me. I do have some of his stuff at my house (that I haven't been to in a week), so I'm not going to file a PFA (protection from Abuse) until I return it to him. I don't want him to cause trouble saying I refuse to give him his stuff back when I just haven't had time. I've been busy taking care of my Mom and Gram after all in addition to dealing with him harassing me, so I don't have time to rush over and gather up his crap that he left around my house.

I am doing better today. I'm a little intimidated about thinking about dating again. Not that I'm going to rush into it or anything. I haven't had good luck with men in my life. The only good relationship I had was when I was 18, and that relationship died down to nothing so I left after 4 years. It's amazing how much of a different person I was then. I was downright scared to start dating again after my divorce, but I have had more experience with it since then. Not necessarily good experiences, but still more experiences. *sigh*

Gwen

Update

I'm on the verge of tears right now and I really don't know why. I did break up with my boyfriend that I've been with for almost 7 months last week. However, I didn't really feel sad from the breakup. I was the one that made the decision to end it because of his ongoing insecurity and the fact that he would get upset (and even accuse me of wanting to be with other people) if I even talked with a guy. I have a lot of male friends who are just friends, and it was getting old. He has been harrassing me, but I think he might have finally stopped which is a good thing.

I think I'm going through touch withdrawls. I miss feeling loved. I miss being held. I don't really miss my ex boyfriend much though. I've been feeling like a kid or a fool lately. I'm having one of those self doubting times that really hurt down to my core. If anyone knows how to hurt me, it would be me, right? Sometimes I have good self esteem, and sometimes I bonk myself down till there's not much left. Not sure why I do that, but not something I can stop myself from doing. *sigh*

I'm just hoping that everything will get better. Where is the sugar coated life I ordered?

Gwen

Will this ever get better?

I have had a very hard year so far, and it's only March. In January, I broke my wrist. I had to deal with loss of independence because I needed help with even the most simple things (like buttoning my pants or putting on underwear). I had an enormous amount of pain, but at least I'm through most of that. I'm still going to occupational therapy, but I've been told that I'm doing well.

Before Valentine's day, my step father died suddenly of cardiac arrest. He had been married to my mother for 16 years, and I considered him as much of a father and grandfather to my son as my biological father. It was very hard. I spent over a month staying with my mother so she wouldn't have to be alone.

I've been home for the last couple of weeks, and I've had to deal with a lot of stresses at home. I have a cat that is using my whole house as a bathroom so I feel like I can't get my house clean. I have a 4 year old child, so it's not wonderful when I'm "finding" new spots that the cat has used as a potty. My computer has recently died. Then my washing machine just went too. I'm a single mother, so I really don't have enough money for my bills, let alone to buy these things. I've been struggling to find money to heat my house, and pay the mortgage and car loan. There's not much else that gets paid.

My grandmother has recently started having trouble breathing. She went to the hospital and they drew off fluid from her lungs and didn't bother trying to find a reason why this was happening until it kept happening. They just did a scan, and found tumors in her lungs and lymph nodes. She has been a heavy smoker for many many years, and has only just recently quit. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what the tumors mean to my almost 80 year old failing grandmother.

When will all of this stress go away?!?

Today is five months.

Today is five months since I met John. We’ve had a lot of ups, downs, and hardships to deal with, but it has been wonderful. John was there for me when I broke my wrist and helping me with everything because I couldn’t do it myself. When he was over pretty much all you would hear is "Jooohhhnnn, help me!" from me and my son. Not only did he help me put on my clothes (against male nature to help put them on, honestly. hehe), shoveling my driveway, helping me take the trash to the dump, but he did it all with patience and love.

When I lost my father, he was there to comfort me and my mother. He spent extra time going to visit with me while I stayed at Mom’s, even though it was a place he wasn’t as comfortable being, and it took longer to get there. For the most part he was patient while I stayed with Mom while she was dealing with the loss of her husband.

I love this man, and I’m very happy! I’m looking forward to many more good times ahead.

Gwen

Quick update...

For those of you that don't already know... I fell on 1/12/08 while bowling (going after my son's gutter ball, and slipped on the lanes.) I fractured a bone in my wrist, and had to have surgery on 1/17. I'm doing ok, but still in a lot of pain. I have been mostly been sitting and keeping it elevated, since that is most comfortable.

I'm staying with Mom for awhile because I can't do that much on my own. Thank god for a Mom's love, or I'd be stuck in with my panties twisted up and no bra! LOL

While I'm at Mom's, I'm not near my beloved 'puter, and not checking email as often. I'll try to respond t each emails, but it's hard since I'm typing one handed. *hugs* to all my friends.

Gwen