I have come to realize that I am certifiably a serial-unrequited love person. I do it to myself, and I’m relentless. Is it some kind of torture device that I use on myself? Well, it works. I realized a couple of months ago that I have always been driven by the need to be loved as I was reading the diary I wrote in High School. I went on and on about my feelings for guys that barely noticed my existence. I was lovesick, depressed, and I did it all to myself. I’ve gone from relationship to relationship and have not found what I am looking for. What AM I looking for? Am I looking for the happily ever after fairytale that we are taught about as kids? I’m starting to believe that love does not exist in the way that I am looking for.

Instead, I’ve found people who say they love me who take advantage of me. I’m a giving person. The people I always end up with are takers, and I give and give and do not get the same care back. I get the people who treat me like I am expected to give them everything they feel that they are entitled to receive, and they cannot be bothered to give me anything but token gestures of affection to keep me doing it. When I do find someone who is not a serial-taker, he is needy and insecure. Wanting to spend every possible hour he can with me, and whining because I wanted to go out with a friend or see my family and I wouldn’t be spending the night with him. He accused me of cheating on him with every man that I remotely spoke with, and then threatened me when I tried to end things. Issues! Man has issues!!

The truth is that I cannot say that what I am looking for does not exist. I know for a fact that he DOES exist. I have seen him with my very own eyes, and we have been friends for a year and a half. I will call him Billy…because that is his name. (For those of you that don’t know, *reference to Bridget Jones*) So, what is the problem you ask? Well, apart from the fact that he lives over 850 miles away from me? Well, I’ve been caught in this unrequited love thing with him for the last year and a half. I’ve been his shoulder to cry on through his breakup with his long time girlfriend that he is very much still in love with and cannot get over. I’ve been there as a friend, and providing emotional support while he suffers in his own unrequited love to her. All the while I’ve loved him and tried very hard to suppress my feelings. Sometimes it works (kinda), and other times my feelings come to the surface more than others. We’ve kinda danced around some kind of a kind of mutual attraction, and I have confessed my feelings to him in the past. Yet nothing will come of it, as nothing ever comes from unrequited love situations, at least not anything good anyway.

Last night I was talking with him, ended up feeling kind of embarrassed after talking with him because I let some of my affection show through while talking with him. When that happens, I always act kind of weird and he knows it. The more I try to hide it, the weirder I act. After I talked with him, I went out to clear snow from the driveway and I cried the whole time. Not because I was embarrassed or upset about the situation, but because I feel so stupid. I’m 30 for goddess sake!! I shouldn’t be acting like a lovesick teenager. I’ve had 2 failed marriages now, a few very bad mistakes, and countless failed relationships. I’ve come to realize that what I want is out there, just not for me. I concede.

Gwen