Yesterday

Yesterday, I did a very scary thing. I don’t know why I was so scared, I didn’t expect anything and I didn’t expect him to hurt me. Yet, my heart almost stopped yesterday. Suddenly I was back in high school, confessing my feelings and getting laughed at all over again. Or I was getting the “Thank you” and “we can still be friends” answer yet again. At least I was expecting that.

In my previous post, I mentioned that I had feelings for someone for the last year. I have tried to hide it, tried to stop feeling that way, and nothing has worked. It’s not a feeling I get while I’m lonely or single. These feelings are ones that I have all the time. Sometimes I am able to repress them more than others, and sometimes they come to the surface and are more painful. I have convinced myself that the feelings are unreturned, and since he’s 850 +/- miles away, it would never happen. But these feelings won’t go away, and I just can’t hide them. Not from him. He knows me far too well and I’ve found myself trying to hide my feelings, which usually means I start acting weird.

I was talking with a friend while playing World of Warcraft. I have known her for the last year and a half. She was one of my first friends on the game, and I think the world of her. Somehow we got talking about him, and I told her how I feel about him, how I have felt since I met him. She said that I had to talk about it with him. She said that a while ago he had a crush on me, and may still. So, I sat down, crying and scared, to write the email. Before I could stop myself, I hit send.

When I saw him on World of Warcraft that night, I mentioned that I had sent him an email. My heart was pounding and I felt like I was going to pass out while he read it. He didn’t respond. When I asked, he said that he already knew that I had feelings for him (which is right, I had told him in the past that I was developing feelings for him), and he was confused as to what I wanted to know. I told him that I wanted to know how he feels. He said that he was not sure how to explain, and that he was getting ready for work. I didn’t get an answer out of him, and now I’m confused too.

I’ve been expecting him to say he doesn’t return my feelings. I told him this, and said that no matter what he tells me it will not hurt me. I just want to know. Maybe if I know, I can put all of this behind me. Somehow I don’t believe I can stop loving him, but at least I will know where things stand.

Gwen