Bob

Bob came over to my house last night, and he was there when I got home. He has a key, so now he doesn't have to wait outside for me to get home. It was so nice to get home and have him there. It gave me a glimpse of what it might be like if we were to live together sometime down the road, and I liked it! Now I have a key to his house and I feel important!! LOL!

We had a long talk last night after supper. We asked each other questions, which was nice since we learned more about each other. I learned more about him, his views on women's body types/sizes, his past girlfriends, etc. After we talked for awhile, I decided to share with him my last remaining secret. I expected him to run and hide, but he was really cool and seems ok with it. He even wants to know more about it. I half expected him to run away when I told him, but he is cool! So he is one of maybe 2 or so people that know all of my secrets. He seems to like me for who I am, and that is amazing!

He is unlike any other guy I have ever met or been with. I really care for this guy, and can see a future with him. He seems to be focused on making me happy, not being happy himself, which makes him different than 99.99% of other guys out there! In turn, I want to make him happy since he wants to make me happy. The voice in the back of my head keeps wondering when he'll morph into a selfish, complaining man like all the other guys out there. I keep telling that voice to shut up, that my Bob is not like that!

Gwen

PS. Bob- I don't have any more secrets!! No more surprises like last night!

Brrrrr it's cold!

Ok, well it's not all that cold outside. Yet this morning I was freezing. Something happened the day before yesterday so I no longer have any hot water. I have no idea why, I just don't have any hot water and it sucks! Well, I took a luke warm quick shower yesterday and that wasn't too bad, but it was a little chilly so I didn't wash my hair. My mistake!! This morning I was desperate to wash my hair since it looked like I had dumped melted lard in my hair (ok, I'm probably exaggerating, but you get the idea). I decided to brave the cold water for a really QUICK shower. I have never washed that fast, and I was very proud that I was brave enough to face the freezing cold water. It was like a bravery challenge.

Ok, now I'm cursing the fact that I'm a single woman who is also a homeowner. I have no idea even who to call to come take a look at the blasted thing. If I was renting, I could just call and complain to the landlord and nag them until it was fixed. I can't do that now, or at least it won't do any good since I'll be nagging myself!! LOL! I can take the ceiling falling in, but no hot water?!? LOL!

I keep telling myself that at least I have money coming soon! At least I can fix it!

Gwen

Going Crazy!!

I feel like I'm going crazy! I feel like no matter how hard I work, or what happens, that I am behind on everything and cannot get caught up. I am very behind at work, and drowning in work to do. There are a few things on my desk that are ticking like a time bomb to blow up. When they do blow up, it's big since I could get sued!! I am behind in my school work, and I am not doing well in one of my classes. It seems that no matter how hard I work, I cannot get caught up and I cannot get good grades. That is really stressing me out, and making me wonder why I chose to go back to school. I'm seriously thinking about dropping out, and it almost seems like the best option right now.

I'm overtired and have been breaking down crying at every little thing. I can't get enough sleep since I've been up late every night working on school work. I can't seem to get anything done at home since I have no time or energy from being so tired. The house looks like it blew up, or like pigs live there. The lawn hasn't been mowed. The house needs someone to come along and toss half of it's contents out. After all, why do I need to hang onto all of this stuff. The answer is because I don't have the energy or time to go through and get rid of stuff.

I've been constantly worrying about money. More precisely, the lack of money. I have been getting behind on bills, and haven't had money to buy stuff like food or clothes for my son. It's really stressing me out trying to figure out the money situation, and having to worry about how I'm going to pay for gas since I only have a few dollars in my account and my gas tank is empty.

I also keep wondering how I'm coming across to my boyfriend. Am I being too clingy? I keep crying to him, but I don't know how to convince him that I'm not crying because of anything that he has done. Does he think I'm crazy? This relationship so far has been difficult because of his crazy schedule, and my crazy schedule. I things were easier.

I was going through Azize's old clothes last night to give away. I was sorting them by size so it would be easier for the person that receives them to go through and use the size that they need. All of a sudden I start bawling my eyes out at the thought of giving these clothes away. It's not rational, and it's not like I need these clothes to be happy, but I was still bawling. I remembered Azize wearing these clothes, and then thought that I might not have any more children. I am not even sure if I want more children, but that thought really made me upset. What if I give these clothes away and I do have another child? What if I keep these clothes and never need to use them again and they end up staying in his closet forever?

I'm feeling like such a nutcase! I am just under so much stress that I can't deal with it. I just want to crawl under a rock and die!! That would be so much easier than dealing with all of the stress that I am under right now!!

Gwen

I feel lucky!

I have been thinking a lot lately about my current relationship and past relationships. I realized that I have more emotional baggage than I had realized. It acts like a little voice in the back of my head that gets in the way of having a normal relationship. It turns me into this suspicious person that doubts everything.

In my marriage (which is thankfully over now!), I went through a lot of crap. It ranged from him sneaking around behind my back and watching massive amounts of porn when I wasn't around, chatting with women asking if they had webcams and if they lived alone in case they decided to "get together", lying, sneaking, and so much more. He was also emotionally abusive (sometimes physically too), and often told me that I was a slut, a fat cow, that noone will ever want me because I'm fat and have a child, that I'm disgusting, that I'm a horrible person, etc. Overall, it was an unhappy 4 1/2 years that I was with him! He kept saying that he would change. Luckily after 4 years, I realized that he never would.

Now I am enjoying my relative freedom from my ex-husband, with crap from him every few weeks instead of daily. YAY! It could be worse (I could be still married to him! LOL!) I made a few changes to my life and to my house that I felt were very positive changes. I knew that I was so much happier, Azize seemed happier, and the cats were even 1000% happier. They never liked him, and were scared of him. That should have been my first clue! Yet I was lonely, and spent many nights crying myself to sleep and aching to be held and kissed.

That's when I met Bob. I emailed him on match.com, and wasn't expecting a reply at all since I hadn't gotten any other replies. I was feeling particularly down since I had been sending out emails and I was being ignored. The people that I had emailed would view my profile and chose not to respond and it made me feel that there was something wrong with me. Well, Bob responded to my email and seemed interested. Over the last couple of weeks I have gotten to know him, and I believe that he is the most kind, caring, sweet, wonderful man that was ever born! I let him read my blog which contains a lot of my self doubting and self hatred crap, and he didn't scare away. If a man can read my blog journal and not be scared away or freaked out, than he must be a good man. I wrote some bad things about myself in there, and he didn't care.

I have realized that I have put him through a lot already. He has seen sides of me that are not attractive (more like whiney, needy, and just plain depressing), and I have cried more times with him in the last 2 weeks than in the last 6 months. Now, it wasn't anything to do with anything about him. It was all because of self doubt, and me wondering if he was still interested in me, if he was thinking that he'd like me to go away, if he was regreting emailing me back. Well, you get the picture. He has been very patient and loving through all of it. He has reassured me as much as I need to be reassured, showed me endless patience, and showed that he wants to make me happy no matter what I am going through. This showed me that not only is he the opposite of my ex husband (THANK GODDESS!), but that he is the type of person that I want to be with and to take care of. He's still very interested, and that's a GREAT sign!

I have talked with him about his past relationships, and why they did not work out. I always try to get this information, because it can give you clues about what to expect down the road if they are being truthful. He said that one of the major reasons that it didn't work out is that he works crazy hours, and tons of overtime, so he wasn't around much. Well, if the women leave him because he works hard, then they didn't deserve him. I've already had a taste of this, and it's something that I believe I can handle. I'm in it for the long haul, and it's a small price to pay to be with this wonderful guy. All of his exes don't know what they've lost!! I do, and he's mine!!

Gwen

Great Day!

I'm having a GREAT day today! I got to work a few minutes early, so I wasn't rushed. I was sitting at my desk reading email and working when a local florist dropped off a bouquet for me from my sweetie, Bob. They are beautiful! I have them at my desk, and I can smell the wonderful smell of fresh florist flowers. Plus, they have a great pitcher vase that I can keep. It'll be great for lilacs next spring! When I saw him last night he kept saying that he felt that I would have a great day today at work. I guess now I know why! He also gave me a beautiful heart flower figurine by Swarovski! It's so beautiful and I think of him whenever I look at it!

On top of that (as if that wasn't more than enough to make me happy), I get to bring my kitten home today! I'm excited about that! Azize is going to be so happy to have another kitty in the house. He loves cats so much!

I'm smiling from ear to ear!!

Gwen