I…

Am maker of bad decisions.

Am hurter of those I love.

Am in so much pain I cannot breathe.

Am reason for my own pain.

Am feeling like I am dying.

And I …

Am wishing for a way to go back in time one year to make the right decision. To make things right, and to not hurt someone I care about very deeply.
Gwen

Yesterday

Yesterday, I did a very scary thing. I don’t know why I was so scared, I didn’t expect anything and I didn’t expect him to hurt me. Yet, my heart almost stopped yesterday. Suddenly I was back in high school, confessing my feelings and getting laughed at all over again. Or I was getting the “Thank you” and “we can still be friends” answer yet again. At least I was expecting that.

In my previous post, I mentioned that I had feelings for someone for the last year. I have tried to hide it, tried to stop feeling that way, and nothing has worked. It’s not a feeling I get while I’m lonely or single. These feelings are ones that I have all the time. Sometimes I am able to repress them more than others, and sometimes they come to the surface and are more painful. I have convinced myself that the feelings are unreturned, and since he’s 850 +/- miles away, it would never happen. But these feelings won’t go away, and I just can’t hide them. Not from him. He knows me far too well and I’ve found myself trying to hide my feelings, which usually means I start acting weird.

I was talking with a friend while playing World of Warcraft. I have known her for the last year and a half. She was one of my first friends on the game, and I think the world of her. Somehow we got talking about him, and I told her how I feel about him, how I have felt since I met him. She said that I had to talk about it with him. She said that a while ago he had a crush on me, and may still. So, I sat down, crying and scared, to write the email. Before I could stop myself, I hit send.

When I saw him on World of Warcraft that night, I mentioned that I had sent him an email. My heart was pounding and I felt like I was going to pass out while he read it. He didn’t respond. When I asked, he said that he already knew that I had feelings for him (which is right, I had told him in the past that I was developing feelings for him), and he was confused as to what I wanted to know. I told him that I wanted to know how he feels. He said that he was not sure how to explain, and that he was getting ready for work. I didn’t get an answer out of him, and now I’m confused too.

I’ve been expecting him to say he doesn’t return my feelings. I told him this, and said that no matter what he tells me it will not hurt me. I just want to know. Maybe if I know, I can put all of this behind me. Somehow I don’t believe I can stop loving him, but at least I will know where things stand.

Gwen

Moving Forward

As you may (or may not, not sure what I have written), but I married Justin on November 16, 2008. Things were wonderful then, we were happy and in love. Then something happened. We were distant, fighting, unhappy, and he did not seem like the same person I had fallen in love with. Last week, we decided to get divorced and he moved out. Of course, I had gotten used to having him there, in my life, and I love him so it was an adjustment to know that he was gone.

I'm filling out divorce papers. It seems surreal.

I have come to realize that I am certifiably a serial-unrequited love person. I do it to myself, and I’m relentless. Is it some kind of torture device that I use on myself? Well, it works. I realized a couple of months ago that I have always been driven by the need to be loved as I was reading the diary I wrote in High School. I went on and on about my feelings for guys that barely noticed my existence. I was lovesick, depressed, and I did it all to myself. I’ve gone from relationship to relationship and have not found what I am looking for. What AM I looking for? Am I looking for the happily ever after fairytale that we are taught about as kids? I’m starting to believe that love does not exist in the way that I am looking for.

Instead, I’ve found people who say they love me who take advantage of me. I’m a giving person. The people I always end up with are takers, and I give and give and do not get the same care back. I get the people who treat me like I am expected to give them everything they feel that they are entitled to receive, and they cannot be bothered to give me anything but token gestures of affection to keep me doing it. When I do find someone who is not a serial-taker, he is needy and insecure. Wanting to spend every possible hour he can with me, and whining because I wanted to go out with a friend or see my family and I wouldn’t be spending the night with him. He accused me of cheating on him with every man that I remotely spoke with, and then threatened me when I tried to end things. Issues! Man has issues!!

The truth is that I cannot say that what I am looking for does not exist. I know for a fact that he DOES exist. I have seen him with my very own eyes, and we have been friends for a year and a half. I will call him Billy…because that is his name. (For those of you that don’t know, *reference to Bridget Jones*) So, what is the problem you ask? Well, apart from the fact that he lives over 850 miles away from me? Well, I’ve been caught in this unrequited love thing with him for the last year and a half. I’ve been his shoulder to cry on through his breakup with his long time girlfriend that he is very much still in love with and cannot get over. I’ve been there as a friend, and providing emotional support while he suffers in his own unrequited love to her. All the while I’ve loved him and tried very hard to suppress my feelings. Sometimes it works (kinda), and other times my feelings come to the surface more than others. We’ve kinda danced around some kind of a kind of mutual attraction, and I have confessed my feelings to him in the past. Yet nothing will come of it, as nothing ever comes from unrequited love situations, at least not anything good anyway.

Last night I was talking with him, ended up feeling kind of embarrassed after talking with him because I let some of my affection show through while talking with him. When that happens, I always act kind of weird and he knows it. The more I try to hide it, the weirder I act. After I talked with him, I went out to clear snow from the driveway and I cried the whole time. Not because I was embarrassed or upset about the situation, but because I feel so stupid. I’m 30 for goddess sake!! I shouldn’t be acting like a lovesick teenager. I’ve had 2 failed marriages now, a few very bad mistakes, and countless failed relationships. I’ve come to realize that what I want is out there, just not for me. I concede.

Gwen

It's a Boy!!

Justin and I recently went through the process of getting a greyhound through the Maine Greyhound Placement in Augusta, Maine. Greyhounds were the first type of dog that we had talked about that we both agreed on. I have been around greyhounds because my best friend, Leslie has had two. In my opinion, Greyhounds are the sweetest, most gentle creatures, so I was excited to get one.

First we did a phone "interview" with Mary. Justin talked for 45 minutes before we would even were able to set up a time to come down. We had to take all three of my cats to the vet to get updated on their shots, which was an adventure. I could not find my cat carriers, so we found one in the basement that was a larger carrier that we put all three cats into. Whitey went to the bathroom in the crate and all three were covered in it by the time we got to the vet.

We looked at the listings of greyhounds on Petfinder.com. Of course, we loved all of them, so it was hard to choose. Mac's Warrick caught our eye, so of course wanted to see him. I think Justin actually had his heart set on Warrick, but we both went into this with an open mind and open heart.



Then it came time to go down to the placement. We were excited, nervous, and anxious as we drove down. When we got there we watched a video about caring for the greyhounds, which I had seen before when I went with Leslie but it was a nice refresher. We listened to Scott's advice about greyhounds, and then came time to walk doggies. First, we saw Walter. He was a sweetie, but he was very rambunctious and pulled very heavily on the leash. Then we saw Warrick, who seemed very indifferent and quiet. We weren't sure. We ended up seeing three more dogs, not counting Stan, the cute dog that Scott brought out, but did not make it past the test cat without trying to get him. Since we have three cats, he wasn't the one for us.

We were there for three hours, and had not found the dog for us yet. We asked to see Warrick again. When I came back from next door where we went to the bathroom, Warrick met me at the door with a kiss. I was sold. We ended up bringing him home.

When we got him home, we gave him the toys that we had bought him. He loved the Santa plushie toy the best, and it still seems to be his favorite. The first night was hard, since he woke up a few times during the night.