I'm feeling good for a change...

I have been feeling very depressed for the last couple of weeks. Of course stress and harassment from my ex did not help how I was feeling. I am usually pretty confident about who I am, but lately I have been feeling very down on myself and very unattractive. No specific reason that I should because I got immediate attention from a few guys when they found out that I was single again. This should have made me feel good, but it didn't.

Part of it is that I am very self concious about my weight. I have gained about 30 pounds since my divorce, and about 50 pounds since the weight I lost when I came home from California in 2000. I've always been a little on the... how you say... Ample side. It's just getting to the point of being uncomfortable and causing hip/back pain. I needed to do something so I started weight watchers last week. In the past week I have lost 5 pounds, which is an accomplishment for me. I plan on keeping it up!! A good friend of mine gave me pointers on excercising, so I'm geared up and ready to go. I talked with a good friend last night that was going through personal problems and was feeling down. Now, for those of you that don't know me, I am a very nurturing person and I jump into action when either someone needs me or needs reassuring. I'm simply wired to nurture. Makes me a good Mom, which is something I'm proud of. We ended up talking off and on for hours, and I got to laugh which I haven't done in awhile. Thank you so much. It made quite a difference on me. I helped you, and you ended up helping me.

Thank you to all of my close friends that have listened to me bitch, cry, bash myself, made me apologize to myself, and have just been there for me when I needed you most. You know who you are. I love you all with my entire heart, and I could not have gotten this far without each of you! You have all touched my life and my life would not be the same without you.

Ok, that's all. Now I'm ready to cry again, but at least they're not depressed tears.

Gwen

16 years today...

I can't believe it's been 16 years to the day since we lost my cousin, Deena. Feels like I saw her only a few months ago. I will always love you with all my heart and miss you with all my being.

Oy, are we doing this again?

I do feel like a weight has been lifted off of me since I broke up with my boyfriend. It's not that I didn't care about him, because I did. It's not that I didn't try to make it work or that I wasn't happy because I did and I was. I'm just relieved to not have to deal with his insecurities and him getting upset every time I talk with another man (even just a friend) and him being jealous. I'll be so much better once he stops harrassing me because it's killing me. I do have some of his stuff at my house (that I haven't been to in a week), so I'm not going to file a PFA (protection from Abuse) until I return it to him. I don't want him to cause trouble saying I refuse to give him his stuff back when I just haven't had time. I've been busy taking care of my Mom and Gram after all in addition to dealing with him harassing me, so I don't have time to rush over and gather up his crap that he left around my house.

I am doing better today. I'm a little intimidated about thinking about dating again. Not that I'm going to rush into it or anything. I haven't had good luck with men in my life. The only good relationship I had was when I was 18, and that relationship died down to nothing so I left after 4 years. It's amazing how much of a different person I was then. I was downright scared to start dating again after my divorce, but I have had more experience with it since then. Not necessarily good experiences, but still more experiences. *sigh*

Gwen

Update

I'm on the verge of tears right now and I really don't know why. I did break up with my boyfriend that I've been with for almost 7 months last week. However, I didn't really feel sad from the breakup. I was the one that made the decision to end it because of his ongoing insecurity and the fact that he would get upset (and even accuse me of wanting to be with other people) if I even talked with a guy. I have a lot of male friends who are just friends, and it was getting old. He has been harrassing me, but I think he might have finally stopped which is a good thing.

I think I'm going through touch withdrawls. I miss feeling loved. I miss being held. I don't really miss my ex boyfriend much though. I've been feeling like a kid or a fool lately. I'm having one of those self doubting times that really hurt down to my core. If anyone knows how to hurt me, it would be me, right? Sometimes I have good self esteem, and sometimes I bonk myself down till there's not much left. Not sure why I do that, but not something I can stop myself from doing. *sigh*

I'm just hoping that everything will get better. Where is the sugar coated life I ordered?

Gwen