:o(

It's hard to put into words what I am feeling. I have been depressed lately. Little things really get to me. What bothers me most is that I miss someone that I care about deeply, who shattered my heart. Yes, it's Bob. Whenever I meet someone new, I seem to compare them to him even without realizing it. I'm not conciously looking looking for someone who is "Bob II", but I find myself attracted to people who have similar qualities to him. I have missed him so much more lately, and I have no idea why. I loved that man with all of my heart, and now I feel that a piece of me is missing now that he is gone. My heart just wants him back.

Gwen

Battle Scars

I was driving home from work today and thinking. I do this a lot, since it takes me about 45 minutes one way to get from work home, of course stopping at day care. There is not much else to do except drive and think. I realized that I have a lot of emotional battle scars. Some are fresh and still hurt. Some are old and even though they may be hard to find and they may not hurt, they are still there and always be there. They are hard to see unless you are looking. Women with battlescars seem perfectly normal until something happens. It could be that they are bursting to tears when their boyfriend cancels their plans at the last minute, or when she finds that someone has been hiding something from her just as many other people have done in the past.

I'm not currently in a relationship at the moment, and I'm looking back at my last few relationships. The last guy I dated seemed nice, but turned out to be too freaky, and not in a good way. It was 2 dates that turned out to be just sex (not good mind you), and I never called him again. I felt like such a whore when driving home from his house the last time, and it wasn't worth continuing.

Before him was Bob. You guys know all about Bob. There was nothing at all wrong with Bob except that he didn't want to be with me. He broke my heart into a million and one pieces, and there it still is. I love him with all of my heart, and I miss him so much. I still fight the urge to call him. He's just not going to answer anyway, and I don't want him to think I'm stalking him or anything. I'm just in love (still after everything). If he came to me and asked me to come back, I would without hesitation. I have come to the realization that this is never going to happen, and no amount of begging and pleading will change that. He said that he just wanted to give up on dating. I'm sure that he was saying that to not hurt my feelings. Oh well.

Ok, prior to that was my marriage. It was unhappy, abusive both mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically. He was controlling, nit picking, and never satisfied. I thought that it would be fine one we got divorced. If we didn't have to deal with with each other it would have been. The last time he came up, I ended up being raped. It wasn't the typical brutal act that you think of when someone says the word "rape". It started as consensual. He stopped, took off his condom, and I told him no. I kept telling him no but he forced himself on me. In every sense of the definition, it is considered rape. It was forceful, it was while I was saying no, and it was violating my trust. I have spent the time since beating myself up for it (as if it was my fault?!?), and feeling bad for not having bruises, cuts, etc to show for it. This is the first time I have admitted that I was raped.

Both my first boyfriend and my ex husband watched tons of porn behind my back, hid things from me, and betrayed my trust. My ex husband went behind my back more than once on messenger chatting with women asking if they have a webcam, asking if they live alone so they can "get together". I have had my heart stomped on and my trust betrayed many times. It makes it hard to leave that behind and try to find a new love.

I have a good friend that I only know through email. We met through a Maine Pagan group online in July (I think), and we became friends quickly. Until recently we emailed almost every day since then. I looked forward to each day, even knowing that I would be working because I knew I'd have an email waiting from him. He is a bit older than I am (ok, more than a bit), but that doesn't bother me. I have admitted having an attraction for him (and inpure thoughts about him), and he has admitted about having an attraction to me (and impure thoughts about me too). We are just friends though, since he is in a relationship. I'm just happy to have him as a friend. He has taught me a lot, given me a lot to think about, helped me though many things, and made me laugh so many times. He has a kind heart and genuine spirit.

A couple of weeks ago, I was driving, and I put a stuffed toy on my head while driving. Since then, Azize and I have gotten into a "routine" of doing this from time to time. I was feeling depressed tonight on the way home, when Azize passed me the stuffed frog. I put it on my head for awhile, and then traded it for a toy hummer. I found that it is near impossible to feel depressed or upset with a toy hummer on your head. LOL! I learned that from my son!

Good night!
Gwen