I…

Am maker of bad decisions.

Am hurter of those I love.

Am in so much pain I cannot breathe.

Am reason for my own pain.

Am feeling like I am dying.

And I …

Am wishing for a way to go back in time one year to make the right decision. To make things right, and to not hurt someone I care about very deeply.
Gwen

Yesterday

Yesterday, I did a very scary thing. I don’t know why I was so scared, I didn’t expect anything and I didn’t expect him to hurt me. Yet, my heart almost stopped yesterday. Suddenly I was back in high school, confessing my feelings and getting laughed at all over again. Or I was getting the “Thank you” and “we can still be friends” answer yet again. At least I was expecting that.

In my previous post, I mentioned that I had feelings for someone for the last year. I have tried to hide it, tried to stop feeling that way, and nothing has worked. It’s not a feeling I get while I’m lonely or single. These feelings are ones that I have all the time. Sometimes I am able to repress them more than others, and sometimes they come to the surface and are more painful. I have convinced myself that the feelings are unreturned, and since he’s 850 +/- miles away, it would never happen. But these feelings won’t go away, and I just can’t hide them. Not from him. He knows me far too well and I’ve found myself trying to hide my feelings, which usually means I start acting weird.

I was talking with a friend while playing World of Warcraft. I have known her for the last year and a half. She was one of my first friends on the game, and I think the world of her. Somehow we got talking about him, and I told her how I feel about him, how I have felt since I met him. She said that I had to talk about it with him. She said that a while ago he had a crush on me, and may still. So, I sat down, crying and scared, to write the email. Before I could stop myself, I hit send.

When I saw him on World of Warcraft that night, I mentioned that I had sent him an email. My heart was pounding and I felt like I was going to pass out while he read it. He didn’t respond. When I asked, he said that he already knew that I had feelings for him (which is right, I had told him in the past that I was developing feelings for him), and he was confused as to what I wanted to know. I told him that I wanted to know how he feels. He said that he was not sure how to explain, and that he was getting ready for work. I didn’t get an answer out of him, and now I’m confused too.

I’ve been expecting him to say he doesn’t return my feelings. I told him this, and said that no matter what he tells me it will not hurt me. I just want to know. Maybe if I know, I can put all of this behind me. Somehow I don’t believe I can stop loving him, but at least I will know where things stand.

Gwen

Moving Forward

As you may (or may not, not sure what I have written), but I married Justin on November 16, 2008. Things were wonderful then, we were happy and in love. Then something happened. We were distant, fighting, unhappy, and he did not seem like the same person I had fallen in love with. Last week, we decided to get divorced and he moved out. Of course, I had gotten used to having him there, in my life, and I love him so it was an adjustment to know that he was gone.

I'm filling out divorce papers. It seems surreal.

I have come to realize that I am certifiably a serial-unrequited love person. I do it to myself, and I’m relentless. Is it some kind of torture device that I use on myself? Well, it works. I realized a couple of months ago that I have always been driven by the need to be loved as I was reading the diary I wrote in High School. I went on and on about my feelings for guys that barely noticed my existence. I was lovesick, depressed, and I did it all to myself. I’ve gone from relationship to relationship and have not found what I am looking for. What AM I looking for? Am I looking for the happily ever after fairytale that we are taught about as kids? I’m starting to believe that love does not exist in the way that I am looking for.

Instead, I’ve found people who say they love me who take advantage of me. I’m a giving person. The people I always end up with are takers, and I give and give and do not get the same care back. I get the people who treat me like I am expected to give them everything they feel that they are entitled to receive, and they cannot be bothered to give me anything but token gestures of affection to keep me doing it. When I do find someone who is not a serial-taker, he is needy and insecure. Wanting to spend every possible hour he can with me, and whining because I wanted to go out with a friend or see my family and I wouldn’t be spending the night with him. He accused me of cheating on him with every man that I remotely spoke with, and then threatened me when I tried to end things. Issues! Man has issues!!

The truth is that I cannot say that what I am looking for does not exist. I know for a fact that he DOES exist. I have seen him with my very own eyes, and we have been friends for a year and a half. I will call him Billy…because that is his name. (For those of you that don’t know, *reference to Bridget Jones*) So, what is the problem you ask? Well, apart from the fact that he lives over 850 miles away from me? Well, I’ve been caught in this unrequited love thing with him for the last year and a half. I’ve been his shoulder to cry on through his breakup with his long time girlfriend that he is very much still in love with and cannot get over. I’ve been there as a friend, and providing emotional support while he suffers in his own unrequited love to her. All the while I’ve loved him and tried very hard to suppress my feelings. Sometimes it works (kinda), and other times my feelings come to the surface more than others. We’ve kinda danced around some kind of a kind of mutual attraction, and I have confessed my feelings to him in the past. Yet nothing will come of it, as nothing ever comes from unrequited love situations, at least not anything good anyway.

Last night I was talking with him, ended up feeling kind of embarrassed after talking with him because I let some of my affection show through while talking with him. When that happens, I always act kind of weird and he knows it. The more I try to hide it, the weirder I act. After I talked with him, I went out to clear snow from the driveway and I cried the whole time. Not because I was embarrassed or upset about the situation, but because I feel so stupid. I’m 30 for goddess sake!! I shouldn’t be acting like a lovesick teenager. I’ve had 2 failed marriages now, a few very bad mistakes, and countless failed relationships. I’ve come to realize that what I want is out there, just not for me. I concede.

Gwen

It's a Boy!!

Justin and I recently went through the process of getting a greyhound through the Maine Greyhound Placement in Augusta, Maine. Greyhounds were the first type of dog that we had talked about that we both agreed on. I have been around greyhounds because my best friend, Leslie has had two. In my opinion, Greyhounds are the sweetest, most gentle creatures, so I was excited to get one.

First we did a phone "interview" with Mary. Justin talked for 45 minutes before we would even were able to set up a time to come down. We had to take all three of my cats to the vet to get updated on their shots, which was an adventure. I could not find my cat carriers, so we found one in the basement that was a larger carrier that we put all three cats into. Whitey went to the bathroom in the crate and all three were covered in it by the time we got to the vet.

We looked at the listings of greyhounds on Petfinder.com. Of course, we loved all of them, so it was hard to choose. Mac's Warrick caught our eye, so of course wanted to see him. I think Justin actually had his heart set on Warrick, but we both went into this with an open mind and open heart.



Then it came time to go down to the placement. We were excited, nervous, and anxious as we drove down. When we got there we watched a video about caring for the greyhounds, which I had seen before when I went with Leslie but it was a nice refresher. We listened to Scott's advice about greyhounds, and then came time to walk doggies. First, we saw Walter. He was a sweetie, but he was very rambunctious and pulled very heavily on the leash. Then we saw Warrick, who seemed very indifferent and quiet. We weren't sure. We ended up seeing three more dogs, not counting Stan, the cute dog that Scott brought out, but did not make it past the test cat without trying to get him. Since we have three cats, he wasn't the one for us.

We were there for three hours, and had not found the dog for us yet. We asked to see Warrick again. When I came back from next door where we went to the bathroom, Warrick met me at the door with a kiss. I was sold. We ended up bringing him home.

When we got him home, we gave him the toys that we had bought him. He loved the Santa plushie toy the best, and it still seems to be his favorite. The first night was hard, since he woke up a few times during the night.

I knew it!

Ok, I read this somewhere and just had to copy it and post it here because it is one more thing *snipped to remove soon to be ex husband reference*

When a guy misses you

Guy Facts:

When a guy calls you,

he wants to be with you

When a guy is quiet,

He's listening to you...

When a guy is not arguing,

He realizes he's wrong

When a guy says, "I'm fine." after a few minutes

he means it

When a guy stares at you,

he wishes you would care about him

and wonders if you do

When your laying your head on a guy's chest,

he has the world

When a guy calls/texts/comments you everyday,

he is in love

When a (good) guy tells you he loves you,

he means it

When a guy says he can't live without you,

he's with you til your done

When a guy says, "I miss you,"

he misses you more than you could have

ever missed him or anything else

An update, it's been awhile...

I have been dating someone new. It's someone that I've known casually online in one of my yahoo groups for a few months, and have talked to online every so often, both on group and off. I kept an eye on the fact that he had been quiet online and his myspace status updates did not sound like things were going well for him so I would send him a note each time he made an update just to see how he was doing. Well, after I broke up with John, he did the same to me and kept an eye on me to see how I was doing. We ended up talking every day first through email then through messenger, then online. When I met him in person I was amazed how much I had in common with him, and by how attracted I was to him from the very beginning.

It's been 3 weeks since we met, and being with him feels just wonderful. We are so alike it's amazing, and in the few ways that we're not alike we compliment each other perfectly. There is also this amazing energy between us that I feel when I even stand next to him even if I don't touch him. It feels like we've known each other our whole lives but it still has the wonderful exciting new feeling. He amazes me by the way he is so supportive and there for me when I need him. He hurts when I hurt. He simply amazes me. John is still harassing me. It's been a month or more, and he is NOT going away! I'm so fed up with this selfish behavior. He still has pics of me and my son on his myspace, which I hate. I don't want to talk with him because that makes him harass me even more, but I have to find a way to get the pictures removed.

Oh, that's sucky that I ended on such a negative note. :o(

Gwen

I'm feeling good for a change...

I have been feeling very depressed for the last couple of weeks. Of course stress and harassment from my ex did not help how I was feeling. I am usually pretty confident about who I am, but lately I have been feeling very down on myself and very unattractive. No specific reason that I should because I got immediate attention from a few guys when they found out that I was single again. This should have made me feel good, but it didn't.

Part of it is that I am very self concious about my weight. I have gained about 30 pounds since my divorce, and about 50 pounds since the weight I lost when I came home from California in 2000. I've always been a little on the... how you say... Ample side. It's just getting to the point of being uncomfortable and causing hip/back pain. I needed to do something so I started weight watchers last week. In the past week I have lost 5 pounds, which is an accomplishment for me. I plan on keeping it up!! A good friend of mine gave me pointers on excercising, so I'm geared up and ready to go. I talked with a good friend last night that was going through personal problems and was feeling down. Now, for those of you that don't know me, I am a very nurturing person and I jump into action when either someone needs me or needs reassuring. I'm simply wired to nurture. Makes me a good Mom, which is something I'm proud of. We ended up talking off and on for hours, and I got to laugh which I haven't done in awhile. Thank you so much. It made quite a difference on me. I helped you, and you ended up helping me.

Thank you to all of my close friends that have listened to me bitch, cry, bash myself, made me apologize to myself, and have just been there for me when I needed you most. You know who you are. I love you all with my entire heart, and I could not have gotten this far without each of you! You have all touched my life and my life would not be the same without you.

Ok, that's all. Now I'm ready to cry again, but at least they're not depressed tears.

Gwen

16 years today...

I can't believe it's been 16 years to the day since we lost my cousin, Deena. Feels like I saw her only a few months ago. I will always love you with all my heart and miss you with all my being.

Oy, are we doing this again?

I do feel like a weight has been lifted off of me since I broke up with my boyfriend. It's not that I didn't care about him, because I did. It's not that I didn't try to make it work or that I wasn't happy because I did and I was. I'm just relieved to not have to deal with his insecurities and him getting upset every time I talk with another man (even just a friend) and him being jealous. I'll be so much better once he stops harrassing me because it's killing me. I do have some of his stuff at my house (that I haven't been to in a week), so I'm not going to file a PFA (protection from Abuse) until I return it to him. I don't want him to cause trouble saying I refuse to give him his stuff back when I just haven't had time. I've been busy taking care of my Mom and Gram after all in addition to dealing with him harassing me, so I don't have time to rush over and gather up his crap that he left around my house.

I am doing better today. I'm a little intimidated about thinking about dating again. Not that I'm going to rush into it or anything. I haven't had good luck with men in my life. The only good relationship I had was when I was 18, and that relationship died down to nothing so I left after 4 years. It's amazing how much of a different person I was then. I was downright scared to start dating again after my divorce, but I have had more experience with it since then. Not necessarily good experiences, but still more experiences. *sigh*

Gwen

Update

I'm on the verge of tears right now and I really don't know why. I did break up with my boyfriend that I've been with for almost 7 months last week. However, I didn't really feel sad from the breakup. I was the one that made the decision to end it because of his ongoing insecurity and the fact that he would get upset (and even accuse me of wanting to be with other people) if I even talked with a guy. I have a lot of male friends who are just friends, and it was getting old. He has been harrassing me, but I think he might have finally stopped which is a good thing.

I think I'm going through touch withdrawls. I miss feeling loved. I miss being held. I don't really miss my ex boyfriend much though. I've been feeling like a kid or a fool lately. I'm having one of those self doubting times that really hurt down to my core. If anyone knows how to hurt me, it would be me, right? Sometimes I have good self esteem, and sometimes I bonk myself down till there's not much left. Not sure why I do that, but not something I can stop myself from doing. *sigh*

I'm just hoping that everything will get better. Where is the sugar coated life I ordered?

Gwen

Will this ever get better?

I have had a very hard year so far, and it's only March. In January, I broke my wrist. I had to deal with loss of independence because I needed help with even the most simple things (like buttoning my pants or putting on underwear). I had an enormous amount of pain, but at least I'm through most of that. I'm still going to occupational therapy, but I've been told that I'm doing well.

Before Valentine's day, my step father died suddenly of cardiac arrest. He had been married to my mother for 16 years, and I considered him as much of a father and grandfather to my son as my biological father. It was very hard. I spent over a month staying with my mother so she wouldn't have to be alone.

I've been home for the last couple of weeks, and I've had to deal with a lot of stresses at home. I have a cat that is using my whole house as a bathroom so I feel like I can't get my house clean. I have a 4 year old child, so it's not wonderful when I'm "finding" new spots that the cat has used as a potty. My computer has recently died. Then my washing machine just went too. I'm a single mother, so I really don't have enough money for my bills, let alone to buy these things. I've been struggling to find money to heat my house, and pay the mortgage and car loan. There's not much else that gets paid.

My grandmother has recently started having trouble breathing. She went to the hospital and they drew off fluid from her lungs and didn't bother trying to find a reason why this was happening until it kept happening. They just did a scan, and found tumors in her lungs and lymph nodes. She has been a heavy smoker for many many years, and has only just recently quit. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what the tumors mean to my almost 80 year old failing grandmother.

When will all of this stress go away?!?

Today is five months.

Today is five months since I met John. We’ve had a lot of ups, downs, and hardships to deal with, but it has been wonderful. John was there for me when I broke my wrist and helping me with everything because I couldn’t do it myself. When he was over pretty much all you would hear is "Jooohhhnnn, help me!" from me and my son. Not only did he help me put on my clothes (against male nature to help put them on, honestly. hehe), shoveling my driveway, helping me take the trash to the dump, but he did it all with patience and love.

When I lost my father, he was there to comfort me and my mother. He spent extra time going to visit with me while I stayed at Mom’s, even though it was a place he wasn’t as comfortable being, and it took longer to get there. For the most part he was patient while I stayed with Mom while she was dealing with the loss of her husband.

I love this man, and I’m very happy! I’m looking forward to many more good times ahead.

Gwen

Quick update...

For those of you that don't already know... I fell on 1/12/08 while bowling (going after my son's gutter ball, and slipped on the lanes.) I fractured a bone in my wrist, and had to have surgery on 1/17. I'm doing ok, but still in a lot of pain. I have been mostly been sitting and keeping it elevated, since that is most comfortable.

I'm staying with Mom for awhile because I can't do that much on my own. Thank god for a Mom's love, or I'd be stuck in with my panties twisted up and no bra! LOL

While I'm at Mom's, I'm not near my beloved 'puter, and not checking email as often. I'll try to respond t each emails, but it's hard since I'm typing one handed. *hugs* to all my friends.

Gwen

YAY! We’re compatible!

Ok. By now, I know that John and I are compatible. I was talking with a friend about astrological compatibility, so I thought I'd check that too. Turns out, we're very compatible. Not all of this is true (Like Cancer taking the lead. Sorry John, but that's not really true. hehe)

This just affirmed what I knew all along. John and I are good together! I so happy!

Here's what the yahoo compatibility thingie said...


Gemini & Cancer..

When Gemini and Cancer come together in a love affair, it may be a rather curious relationship. Sensitive, emotional Cancer has trouble communicating clearly, but clear communication is what defines Gemini. Gemini's chivalrous nature and silver tongue may encourage the Crab to come out of its shell more quickly than usual; Cancer, in turn, can teach Gemini to slow down and appreciate the world, which the frenetic Twins hardly ever take time to do. If Gemini seems to ignore Cancer or doesn't provide them with as much reassurance and intimacy as Cancer needs, trouble may ensue. These two Signs approach the world in such different manners that they must be able to understand and accept one another's differences.

Cancer is the Sign of home and hearth, while Gemini is the thinker. Gemini can easily slip into the role of Cancer's knight in shining armor; Cancer returns that favor with their characteristic urge to protect the ones they love. Quality of home life is important to Cancer, and Gemini will be spoiled by their Cancer lover's hearty home cooking, soft bed and other creature comforts. Cancer is strongly intuitive and maintains an almost psychic connection with their loved ones, but can tend toward possessiveness and idealization of their Gemini partner. If Gemini just reassures Cancer that they're loved and cherished, all will go smoothly.

Gemini is ruled by the Planet Mercury (Communication) and Cancer is ruled by the Moon (Emotions). Cancer tends to keep their emotions bottled up inside as they have trouble expressing themselves. They envy Geminis their gift of open, clear communication afforded by the influence of Mercury. Gemini, in turn, can benefit from Cancer's intuitive approach, so different from Gemini's bubbly, surface nature; Cancer can teach Gemini to slow down and appreciate life instead of passing by the good things in their rush to get to the next new thing.

Gemini is an Air Sign and Cancer is a Water Sign. If these two Signs can work together they can be a great team; after all, the best decisions are made by incorporating the emotions and the intellect. The trouble for these two lies in learning to cooperate. They come from such opposite points of view that at times it can seem as if they simply have nothing in common. Deep, emotional Cancer can also sometimes dampen Gemini's airy enthusiasm, and light, fast-paced Gemini can leave Cancer feeling ruffled, even tattered. Balance can be achieved if they learn to talk openly with one another.

Gemini is a Mutable Sign and Cancer is a Cardinal Signs. Gemini is flexible, willing to go with the flow and follow another's lead; Cancer is an initiator and likes to provide that lead. Gemini may try to lead by being brave, even confrontational; for it to run smoothly between these two, they both need to learn when to back down and let the other lead the way.

What's the best aspect of the Gemini-Cancer relationship? Once they realize they're allies, they can soar to great heights together. Gemini is always thinking ahead and Cancer is quietly supporting these ideas behind the scenes. Each partner's ability to provide what the other is lacking makes theirs a fulfilling relationship.

It's all about the dot dot dot.

I met John about a month and a half ago. When I got his email (on myspace of course! LOL!), I immediately recognized his picture since I had previously checked out his profile. When you get to know someone new, you really don't know what to expect. I thought that it wouldn't hurt to talk with him and get to know him. I'm so glad that I did!

John is the sweetest and most caring person that I have ever met let alone been with. Just as one example, I had told him a couple of weeks ago that I would watch football with him IF he explains what happens in the game. Football is a big mystery to me and my eyes glaze over whenever someone talks about it because I have no idea what's going on. Well, we watched football together yesterday and he did explain how the game works, what was going on, and answered all of my questions. Not only that, but he asked me more than once if I wanted to watch something else. I was surprised that he even remembered what I had said, let alone explain everything to me.

Second example: Later on yesterday he asked me out of the blue if I was feeling ok. This surprised me since I didn't remember really complaining about how I was feeling for awhile. He said that he knew I was due to start my period and wanted to make sure that I was feeling ok and not feeling badly. I was very surprised to say the least. Noone other than my Mom has ever asked me that. It just amazed me that he cared enough to ask, or was even thinking about it.

He sends me little love notes almost every day. Oh, and there was one day that he was checking his email at my house, and he was writing an email and he always puts three dots between sentences. He said "It's all about the dot dot dot." Don't know why, but that was the cutest thing ever. What can I say, he is the most wonderful person that I have ever met. I'm so lucky that he found me. 47 days of happiness and counting...
Gwen

For Hbiba - written 11/13/2007

On delicate wings of pastel pink and blue
My darling angel floats gently to heaven
The ache in my heart has yet to dull
It has turned into my constant dreary companion
I had you with me only a few short weeks
My arms still ache to hold and cradle you
Yet all I have is a tattered photo,
Wings of butterflies, and a broken heart.

~Gwen

We love and miss you my darling. You will always be in our hearts. - Love Mommy and Zizie

A True Boyfriend Would...

I've seen this before, but thought it was so wonderful that I'd post it. It makes me realize how lucky I really am. Thank you J-Are! Ok - stop rolling your eyes now everyone!


What a real man would do....

• Grab her neck when you kiss her, it's a real turn on. Not her butt/boobs.

• Stay on the phone with her even if shes not saying anything.

• When she's mad hug her tight and don't let go then kiss her

• When she says she's ok dont believe it talk with her

• Never cheat on her because 10 yrs later she'll remember you

• Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her

• Call her before you sleep and after you wake up

• Treat her like a person and not something to show off for

• Tease her and let her tease you back.

• Stay up all night with her when she's sick.

• Watch her favorite movie with her.

• TRUST HER WITH HER GUY FRIENDS!!!!!!

• Let her wear your clothes.

• When she's bored and sad, hang out with her.

• Let her know she's important.

• Kiss her in the pouring rain.

• When she runs up at you crying, the first thing you say is;"Who's ass am I kicking ?


"If you do post this in the next four minutes the one you love will :

•Call you.
•Kiss you.
•Love you.
•Text you.

Guys post as: "I'd be this boyfriend."
Girls post as: "A true boyfriend

Unexpected

If you know me, you will know that I have not had the best luck in relationships lately. It's not meeting guys that's the problem. I have guys lining up at my proverbial door waiting to meet me. Weirdest feeling since I didn't have this kind of luck before I got married. The problem has been meeting someone that I am compatible with, and someone who is not out to take advantage of me. I've been looking for a genuinely caring, kind, compassionate person that will love me truly for who I am, not who I have or what I can do for them.

I'll admit, I'm a bit jaded after so many failed relationships. I've been hurt countless times. I was beginning to think that love didn't exist at all, but it was an illusion to aid guys in taking advantage of poor naiive saps like me. It's bait and switch. Society pounds into us that love should be like a fairytale. We're searching for that "true love" based on an illusion that doesn't exist. This is just a bit of background to show you that I am jaded. haha

I started talking with JR about a week and a half ago. He emailed me from Myspace, and I thought "What the heck, I'll talk with him". What did I have to lose, right? Well, this guy is very kind, gentle, caring, sweet, and considerate... We can talk for hours on the phone, and feel like it's only been 30 minutes. One night we had been talking for almost 3 1/2 hours, and when it came time to hang up I mentioned that I didn't want to get off the phone. He said that he didn't either. On our first date, He gave me a hug but not a kiss. When I asked him about it later, he said he didn't want to rush me. Hear that? Sound of my heart melting. lol

I've been thinking about it recently. It's been a LONG time since I've been cuddled and kissed without the guy doing it just to get laid. Never for the sake of just cuddling and kissing. It's been well over a decade. It was very nice to cuddle and kiss for hours. It made me feel very special and cared for. I'm happy.

Gwen

Mal de la coeur

The worst part about being single is not having anyone there anytime you need to be loved. I have this yearning to be held, to be kissed, and to be loved. Now I'm usually fine being single. I'm not the kind of person who needs a relationship to be happy, and I'm usually equally happy being single as I am in a relationship. I have wonderful friends, family and people that I love dearly. But what do you do when you need to be loved?

Most guys I have met lately just want to get laid and that's it. They're interested in starting up a sexual fling, but that's not what I'm looking for now. I literally got 5+ emails yesterday alone from guys saying I was beautiful and wanting to get to know me or wanting to be "friends". Yes, I am a sexual person and I do believe that sex is a very important part of a relationship. Heck, it can be a great part of a friendship. But are there any guys out there that want romance in addition to just sex? Are there any guys that would be there when I need a hug, when I want to talk about something that I find interesting, or when I want someone to cuddle up and watch a movie with? Oh Goddess, where is that guy or girl?

Gwen